Two guys get stuck on a desert island.
They are soon caught by the natives and brought to a village and put before the cheif.
He says to the first guy:
- As punishment for tresspassing I give you a choice, death or Ru Ru.
Not wanting to die he picks Ru Ru.
He is then beaten and buggered to unconciousness right in front of his friend.
The 2nd guy when asked says:
- I'd rather die than suffer that.
The chief says:
- Great, death it is, death by Ru Ru!!!
One day the different parts of the body were having an argument to see which should be in charge.
The brain said:
- I do all the thinking so I'm the most important and I should be in charge.
The eyes said:
- I see everything and let the rest of you know where we are, so I'm the most important and I should be in charge.
The hands said:
- Without me we wouldn't be able to pick anything up or move anything. So I'm the most important and I should be in charge.
The stomach said:
- I turn the food we eat into energy for the rest of you. Without me, we'd starve. So I'm the most important and I should be in charge.
The legs said:
- Without me we wouldn't be able to move anywhere. So I'm the most important and I should be in charge.
Then the rectum said:
- I think I should be in charge.
All the rest of the parts said:
- YOU?!? You don't do anything! You're not important! You can't be in charge.
So the rectum closed up. After a few days, the legs were all wobbly, the stomach was all queasy, the hands were all shaky, the eyes were all watery, and the brain was all cloudy.
They all agreed that they couldn't take any more of this and agreed to put the rectum in charge.
Today's lesson: You don't have to be the most important to be in charge, just an a - - hole.
A middle aged rancher in pioneer days of old, had growen tired of working so hard to build a beautiful ranch house and huge herd to go with it. So he thought it would be nice to get one of those mail order brides. Well he sent for one and on the day she was arriving he hitched up his horse and buggy and headed for the nearest train station. After meeting his new bride, he loaded all her bags into the wagon and then headed for thier honeymoon home.
They had traveled only two miles when the horse stumbled, and the rancher got out and whipped the horse to its feet. He looked at the horse and said "THATS ONE" and got back in the wagon smiled at the woman and continued on thier way.
They traveled only another two miles when the horse stumbled again, and again the rancher got out of the wagon to whip the horse to its feet, telling the horse:
- THATS TWO
He took his seat beside his new bride and continued on thier way.
After traveling another two miles the horse stumbled for the third time. The rancher got out of the wagon carrying his rifle, he walk up to the horse and shot it right between the eyes, saying:
- THATS THREE.
He turn to the wagon only to hear his new bride say:
- why in the hell did you do that for, now we have to walk.
The rancher turn to the woman and said:
- THATS ONE.
3 buddies die in a car crash, they go to heaven to an orientation.
They are all asked:
- When you are in your casket and friends and family are mourning upon you, what would you like to hear them say about you?
The first guy says:
- I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor of my time, and a great family man.
The second guy says:
- I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher which made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow.
The last guy replies:
- I would like to hear them say......
LOOK, HE'S MOVING!!!!!
A young punk gets on the cross-town bus. He's got spiked, multicoloured hair that's green, purple and orange. His clothes are a tattered mix of leather rags. His legs are bare and he's wearing worn-out shoes. His entire face and body are riddled with pierced jewellery and his earring are big, bright feathers. He sits down in the only vacant seat, directly across from an old man who glares at him for the next ten miles.
Finally, the punk gets self-conscious and barks at the old man:
- What are you looking at you old fart...didn't you ever do anything wild when you were young?
Without missing a beat, the old man replies:
- Yeah, back when I was young and in the Navy I got really drunk one night in Singapore and had sex with a parrot.... I thought maybe you were my son.
The little sexy housewife was built so well the TV repairman couldn't keep his eyes off of her. Every time she came in the room, he'd near about jerk his neck right out of joint looking at her. When he'd finished she paid him and said:
- I'm going to make a . . . well . . . unusual request. But you have to first promise me you'll keep it a secret.
The repairman quickly agreed and she went on:
- Well, it's kind of embarrassing to talk about, but while my husband is a kind, decent man -- sigh -- he has a certain physical weakness. A certain disability. Now, I'm a woman and you're a man . . .
The repairman could hardly speak:
- Yes yes!
- And since I've been wanting to ever since you came in the door . . .
- Yes yes!
- Would you help me move the refrigerator?
- I got this great new hearing aid the other day.
- Are you wearing it now?
- Yup. Cost me four thousand dollars, though. But it's top of the line.
- What kind is it?
- Twelve-thirty.
A man asked his doctor if he thought he'd live to be a hundred.
The doctor asked the man:
- Do you smoke or drink?
- No - he replied.
- I've never done either.
- Do you gamble, drive fast cars, and fool around with women? - inquired the doctor.
- No, I've never done any of those things either.
- Well then - said the doctor.
- what do you want to live to be a hundred for?
A fellow getting a shave asked the barber if he had another razor:
- Why? - asked the barber.
- Is there something wrong with this one?
- I don't know. - replied the customer.
- But I would appreciate a chance to defend myself.
Only in America... can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance...
Only in America... are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink...
Only in America... do people order double cheese burgers, a large fry, and a diet coke...
Only in America... do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters...
Only in America... do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and leave useless things and junk in boxes in the garage...
Only in America... do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place...
Only in America... do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight...
Only in America... do we use the word "politics" to describe the process so well: "Poli" in latin meaning "many" and "tics" meaning "blood-sucking creatures"...
