The other day my house caught fire. The insurance agent said:
- Shouldn't be a problem. What kind of coverage do you have?
I said:
- Fire and theft.
Insurance agent frowned:
- Uh oh. Wrong kind. Should be fire OR theft.
Apparently, the only way I can make a claim with this coverage is if the house is robbed while it's burning down.
A Texan bought a round of drinks for all in the bar and announced that his wife had just produced a typical Texas baby, weighing a whopping twenty pounds.
- WOW! - was the response from everyone at the bar.
Two weeks later the Texan returned to the bar. The bartender recognized him and asked:
- Aren't you the father of the baby that weighed twenty pounds at birth? How much does he weigh now?
The proud father answered:
- 10 pounds.
The bartender said:
- Why? I know that babies lose some weight after birth, but ten pounds? He did weigh twenty pounds, didn't he? What happened?
The proud Texas father said:
- Just had him circumcised!
A guy calls the hospital. He says:
- You gotta send help! My wife's going into labor!
The nurse says:
- Calm down. Is this her first child?
He says:
- No! This is her husband!
When a car skidded on wet pavement and struck a telephone pole, several bystanders ran over to help the driver. A women was the first to reach the victim, but a man rushed in and pushed her aside. 'Step aside, lady,' he barked. 'I've taken a course in first-aid!' The women watched for a few minutes, then tapped him on the shoulder. 'Pardon me,' she said. 'But when you get to the part about calling a doctor, I'm right here.'
A carpet layer had just finished installing carpet for a lady. He stepped out for a smoke, only to realize he'd lost his cigarettes. In the middle of the room, under the carpet, was a bump.
- No sense pulling up the entire floor for one pack of smokes - he said to himself.
He proceeded to get out his hammer and flattened the hump.
As he was cleaning up, the lady came in.
- Here - she said, handing him his pack of cigarettes.
- I found them in the hallway.
- Now - she said,
- if only I could find my gerbil.
A woman went to the bar with a black eye.
- How'd ya get that? - asked the bartender.
- From my husband - she replied.
- But I thought he was out of town? - he asked.
- So did I! - she said.
Two car salesmen were sitting at the bar. One complained to the other:
- Boy, business sucks. If I don't sell more cars this month, I'm going to lose my fucking arse.
Too late he noticed a beautiful blonde sitting two stools away. Immediately, he apologized for his bad language.
- That's okay - the blonde replied,
- If I don't sell more arse this month, I'm going to lose my fucking car.
A little girl was playing up a tree near a church. The priest was taking a walk when he happened to look up the tree and saw the little girl. She had no panties on. He called her down and gave her money to buy a pair of panties. The girl was so happy and told her mommy about it. The next day when the priest was again taking his daily walk, he looked up the same tree and saw the young girl's mother up there. She had no panties on. He called her down and gave her two dollars to buy a razor.
Little Johnny's dad is sitting on the side of the bed rolling on a condom about to give his wife some. Little Johnny sticks his head in the door, sees his dad and says, "Whatcha doin' Daddy?" Johnny's dad stoops over to cover up his dick and starts looking at the floor. "Oh, I'm just looking for this big rat I saw." he says. Little Johnny asks, "Whatcha gonna do, fuck it?"
A woman selling apples in New York is puzzled by a man who always comes by, pays a quarter, but never picks up an apple. This goes on for some time until, one day, the woman runs after the man as he walks away.
- I know why you are chasing after me... you want to know why I always pay a quarter but never take an apple - the man says.
The woman replies:
- No, I wanted to tell you that the price has just gone up.
