Mr. Horntoot admitted to his wife that he was feeling much better since his operation, but couldn't account for the enormous bump on the back of his head.
- Oh, that, - chuckled Mrs. Horntoot.
- Just before your operation they suddenly ran out of ether!
A guy walks into his doctor and says:
- Doc, you gotta help me, I can't remember anything!
The doc asks:
- How long have you had this problem?
The guy says:
- What problem?
- Doctor, - the embarrassed man said.
- I have a sexual problem. I can't get it up for my wife anymore.
- Mr. Thomas, bring her back with you tomorrow and let me see what I can do.
The next day the worried fellow returned with his wife.
- Take off your clothes, Mrs. Thomas, - the medic said.
- Now turn all the way around. Lie down please. Uh-huh, I see. Ok, you may put your clothes back on.
The doctor took the husband aside.
- You're in perfect health, - he said.
- Your wife didn't give me an erection either.
- Mr. Chilton, - the analyst said.
- I think this will be your last visit.
- Does that mean I'm cured? - he asked.
- For all practical purposes, yes, - she said.
- I think we can safely say that your kleptomania is now under control. You haven't stolen anything in two years, and you seem to know where the kleptomania came from.
- Well, that's terrific, Doctor. Before I go, I'd like to tell you something. Although our relationship is strictly professional, it's been one of the most rewarding of my life. I wish I could do something to repay you for helping me.
- You've paid my fee, - the doctor said.
- That's the only responsibility you have.
- I know, - Chilton said.
- But isn't there some personal favor I could do for you?
- Well, - the doctor said.
- I'll tell you what. If you ever suffer a relapse, my son could use a nice portable color television.
A man went to the doctor to get a physical, after the doctor examined him, he told the man he had some bad news... he had cancer and alzheimers.
The man replied:
- Well, at least I don't have cancer
Hiram answers the telephone, and it's an emergency room doctor.
The doctor says:
- Your wife was in a serious car accident, and I have bad news and good news. The bad news is she has lost all use of both arms and both legs, and will be on a respirator the rest of her life.
Hiram says:
- My God. What's the good news?
The doctor says:
- I'm kidding. She's dead.
Why do doctors slap babies when they are born?
→ To knock the penises off the smart ones.
A very well-built young lady was lying on her psychiatrist's couch, telling him how frustrated she was.
- I tried to be an actress and failed - she complained.
- I tried to be a secretary and failed; I tried being a writer and failed; then I tried being a sales clerk and I failed at that, too.
The shrink thought for a moment and said...:
- Everyone needs to live a full, satisfying life. Why don't you try nursing?
The girl thinks about this, then bares one of her large, beautiful breasts, points it at the shrink, and says...:
- Well go ahead, I'll give it a try!
Jon's working at the lumberyard, pushing a tree through the buzz saw, and accidentally shears off all ten of his fingers. He goes to the emergency room.
The doctor says:
- Yuck! Well, give me the fingers, and I'll see what I can do.
Jon says:
- I haven't got the fingers.
The doctor says:
- What do you mean, you haven't got the fingers? It's 1998. We've got microsurgery and all kinds of incredible techniques. I could have put them back on and made you like new. Why didn't you bring the fingers?
Jon says:
- Well, shit, Doc, I couldn't pick 'em up.
Herman the hypochondriac began sobbing before a doctor:
- I'm sure I've got a liver disease, and I'm gonna die from it.
- Ridiculous - said the doctor.
- You'd never know if you had the disease or not. With that ailment there's no discomfort of any kind.
- Right - said Herman.
- Those are my exact symptoms.
