A visiting conventioneer from Saskatchewan walked into a bar in Greenwich Village and sat next to a rather attractive woman.
- Hi - he said - I'm new in town. Can I buy you a drink?
- Get lost - she remarked - I am Lesbian.
- Oh, really? - he asked - How are things in Beiruit?
A man in a bar sees a friend at a table, drinking by himself.
Approaching the friend he comments:
- You look terrible. What's the problem?
- My mother died in June - he said - and left me $10,000.
- Gee, that's tough - he replied.
- Then in July - the friend continued - My father died leaving me $50,000.
- Wow. Two parents gone in two months. No wonder you're depressed.
- And last month my aunt died, and left me $15,000.
- Three close family members lost in three months? How sad.
- Then this month - continued the friend - nothing!
A customer was sitting in a bar having a few drinks when he noticed a tiny little spot on the wall that seemed to be moving. He called it to the bartender's attention. He glanced at it and said:
- It's a ladybug.
After a moment of stunned silence the customer said:
- Good Lord, what incredible eyesight you have!
Drunk walks into elevator, no elevator there, falls five stories down, lands on the bottom. Lies there a few seconds, slowly opens his eyes, and then says, "Dammit, I said UP."
McAteer arrived at J.F.K. Airport and wandered about the terminal with tears streaming down his cheeks. An airline employee asked him if he was already homesick.
- No - replied McAteer.
- I've lost all me luggage!
- How'd that happen?
- The cork fell out - said the Irishman.
A woman goes into a bar with a little Chihuahua dog on a leash.
She sits down at the bar next to a drunk. The drunk rolls around, leans over, and splat! He pukes all over the dog. The drunk looks down, sees the little dog struggling in the pool of vomit, and slurs:
- I don't remember eating that!
"ALCOHOL KILLS SLOWLY"
So what? Who's in a hurry?
What's the difference between a drunk and an alcoholic?
→ A drunk doesn't have to go to those stupid meetings.
- Old Jethro's next door's a-makin' moonshine again. - the wife told her husband.
- How can you tell ? - he asked.
- Did you smell it ?
- Nope. But a bunch of mice from over to his place came over here this morning and beat the shit out of our cats . . .
A drunk staggered into a cemetery and fell into a freshly dug grave.
Pretty soon a second drunk staggered by.
- Get me out of here - said the one in the grave.
- I'm cold.
The other one looked over the edge and said:
- No wonder you're cold, you poor guy. You don't have any dirt on you.
