Most commented jokes

A roving reporter from the BBC was touring a remote part of the Scottish Highlands looking for material for a documentary about the way of life there.

- Reporter: Hello there, excuse me, I'm from the BBC and I'm gathering material for a documentary about the way of life in the remote parts of the Scottish Highlands. You look like an interesting fellow, perhaps I could interview you?

- Scotsman: Certainly...

- Reporter: Well, perhaps you could start by telling me your name?

- Scotsman: Well now there's a story. Y'know I deliver the mail round here, but do they call me Donald the Postman? No they don't. You see those fine crofts up on the hill there, well, I built more than half of them myself, but do they call me Donald the Croftbuilder? No, they don't. And did you pass the nets down in the harbour? Well, I made several of them, but do they call me Donald the Netmaker? No, they don't. But, I tell you, a moment's weakness with just ONE sheep ....

An Indian gentleman on his first visit to the USA visited the foreign exchange to exchange some Rupees. He handed to the cashier 100,000 Rps and after a quick calculation on the calculator, was given $50.45 with a typical "service" smile and "Have a nice day!"

The Indian promptly spent this and returned the next day with another wad of Rupees. He handed the same cashier 100,000 Rps and put his hand out for his $50.45, instead he received $48.78.

He questiond bitterly:

- Ooh! vy less !!??

Whereupon the cashier replied:

- Fluctuations!

He screamed back:

- FLUCK YOU AMERICANS, TOO! I'm going back to Delhi!!!

What's brown and has holes in it?
→ Swiss Shit.

What goes in and out and smells of piss?
→ The Queen Mother

THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:

- Indubitably

- Innovative

- Preliminary

- Proliferation

- Cinnamon

THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:

- Specificity

- British Constitution

- Passive-aggressive disorder

- Loquacious

- Transubstantiate

THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:

- Thanks, but I don't want to have sex

- Nope, no more booze for me

- Sorry, but you're not really my type

- Good evening officer, isn't it lovely out tonight

Sign of drinking problem...

You shout:

- I'm not as think you drunk I am.

- Buford: Man, have you got a drinking problem!

- Mongo: The hell I do!

- Buford: The hell you don't!

- Mongo: I don't have a drinking problem. I drink... I get drunk... I fall down. No problem!

A well dressed gentlemen enters the bar of a five star restaurant, sits at the bar and orders four very expensive drinks. The bartender serves them on a silver tray, setting all four in front of the patron. The man then consumes all four drinks in a matter of seconds. The bartender comments, "Wow, you sure must have a problem." "If you had what I had," the man replies, "you'd drink them fast, too." Leaning over, the sympathetic bartender asks, "What do you have?" "Fifty cents," the man answers.

There was a young Scotsman called Andy,
Who knocked over his bottle of Shandy.
He lifted his kilt,
To wipe up what he spilt,
And the barmaid said:

- Blimey! That's handy!

A man had been drinking at the bar for hours when he mentioned something about his girlfriend being out in the car.

The bartender, concerned because it was so cold, went to check on her. When he looked inside the car, he saw the drunk's buddy, Pete, and his girlfriend going at it in the back-seat. The bartender shook his head and walked back inside. He told the drunk that he thought it might be a good idea to check on his girlfriend.

The drunk staggered outside to the car, saw Pete and his girlfriend entwined, then walked back into the bar laughing.

- What's so funny? - the bartender asked.

- That damned Pete! - the drunk chortled - He's so drunk, he thinks he's me!