A lawyer was driving his big BMW down the highway, singing to himself, "I love my BMW, I love my BMW." Focusing on his car, not his driving, he smashed into a tree. He miraculously survived, but his car was totaled.
- My BMW! My BMW! - he sobbed.
A good Samaritan drove by and cried out:
- Sir, sir, you're bleeding! And my god, your left arm is gone!
The lawyer, horrified, screamed:
- My Rolex! My Rolex!
A golfer hooked his tee shot over a hill and onto the next fairway. Walking toward his ball, he saw a man lying on the ground, groaning with pain.
- I'm an attorney - the wincing man said, and this is going to cost you $5000.
- I'm sorry, I'm really sorry - the concerned golfer replied. But I did yell 'fore'.
- I'll take it - the attorney said.
- How can I ever thank you? - gushed a woman to Clarence Darrow, after he had solved her legal troubles.
- My dear woman - Darrow replied, ever since the Phoenicians invented money there has been only one answer to that question.
NASA was interviewing professionals to be sent to Mars. Only one could go and couldn't return to Earth.
The first applicant, an engineer, was asked how much he wanted to be paid for going.
- A million dollars - he answered, because I want to donate it to M.I.T.
The next applicant, a doctor, was asked the same question. He asked for $2 million.
- I want to give a million to my family - he explained, and leave the other million for the advancement of medical research.
The last applicant was a lawyer. When asked how much money he wanted, he whispered in the interviewer's ear:
- Three million dollars.
- Why so much more than the others? - asked the interviewer.
The lawyer replied:
- If you give me $3 million, I'll give you $1 million, I'll keep $1 million, and we'll send the engineer to Mars.
A stingy old lawyer who had been diagnosed with a terminal illness was determined to prove wrong the saying, "You can't take it with you."
After much thought and consideration, the old ambulance-chaser finally figured out how to take at least some of his money with him when he died. He instructed his wife to go to the bank and withdraw enough money to fill two pillow cases. He then directed her to take the bags of money to the attic and leave them directly above his bed. His plan: When he passed away, he would reach out and grab the bags on his way to heaven.
Several weeks after the funeral, the deceased lawyer's wife, up in the attic cleaning, came upon the two forgotten pillow cases stuffed with cash.
- Oh, that darned old fool - she exclaimed. I knew he should have had me put the money in the basement.
A man woke up in a hospital bed and called for his doctor. He asked:
- Give it to me straight. How long have I got?
The physician replied that he doubted that the man would survive the night.
The man then said:
- Call for my lawyer.
When the lawyer arrived, the man asked for his physician to stand on one side of the bed, while the lawyer stood on the other. The man then laid back and closed his eyes. When he remained silent for several minutes, the physician asked what he had in mind.
The man replied:
- Jesus died with a thief on either side. I just thought I'd check out the same way.
- Lawyer: Now that you have been acquitted, will you tell me truly? Did you steal the car?
- Client: After hearing your amazing argument in court this morning, I'm beginning to think I didn't.
The National Institute of Health (NIH) announced last week that they were going to start using lawyers instead of rats in their experiments. Naturally, the American Bar Association was outraged and filed suit. Yet, the NIH presented some very good reasons for the switch.
A client who felt his legal bill was too high asked his lawyer to itemize costs. The statement included this item:
- Was walking down the street and saw you on the other side. Walked to the corner to cross at the light, crossed the street and walked quickly to catch up with you. Got close and saw it wasn't you. -$50.00.
A lawyer calls his client to tell him about his fee schedule.
- Alright - the lawyer says looking through his papers.
- You owe me $1000 down and $417.58 cents each month for the next thirty-six months.
- What! That sounds like a car payment schedule - retorted the client.
- Your right. It's mine.
