Most commented jokes

A male driver is pulled over by a cop and the following conversation takes place:

- Man: What's the problem officer?

- Cop: You were going at least 75 in a 55 zone.

- Man: No sir, I was going 65.

- Wife: Oh Harry. You were going 80.

(Man gives his wife a dirty look.)

- Cop: I'm also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light.

- Man: Broken tail light? I didn't know about a broken tail light!

- Wife: Oh Harry, you've known about that tail light for weeks.

(Man gives his wife a dirty look.)

- Cop: I'm also going to give you a citation for not wearing your seat belt.

- Man: Oh, I just took it off when you were walking up to the car.

- Wife: Oh Harry, you never wear your seat belt.

- Man: Shut your mouth, woman!

- Cop: Ma'am, does your husband always talk to you this way?

- Wife: No, only when he's drunk.

A new man is brought into Prison Cell 102. Already there is a long-time resident who looks 100 years old. The new man looks at the old-timer inquiringly. The old-timer says:

- Look at me. I'm old and worn out. You'd never believe that I used to live the life of Riley. I wintered on the Riviera, had a boat, four fine cars, the most beautiful women, and I ate in all the best restaurants of France.

The new man asked:

- What happened?

- One day Riley reported his credit cards missing!

Signs Your Partner Needs A Vacation

9. Every Tuesday he insists it's his turn to be the siren.
10. He wants to transfer to a K-9 unit because he thinks he'd look good in a collar.
11. He wants you to call him "Judge Dredd", and he insists that all suspects should be executed right there on the spot.
12. He talk to himself. Half of him is the "good cop", and the other half is the "bad cop".
13. He keeps asking you if his bullet proof vest makes him look fat.
14. He is exchanging donut recipes with complete strangers.
15. The perpetrators beg him to stop talking about his relationship troubles.
16. He wants to hear less talk and more music on the police channel.
17. He keeps handcuffing himself by accident!!

A local policeman had just finished his shift one cold November evening and was at home with his wife.

- You just won't believe what happened this evening, in all my years on the force I've never seen anything like it.

- Oh yes dear, what happened?

- I came across two guys down by the canal, one of them was drinking battery acid and the other was eating fireworks.

- Drinking battery acid and eating fireworks!! What did you do with them?

- Oh that was easy, I charged one and let the other off.

A policeman pulls a man over for speeding and asks him to get out of the car. After looking the man over he says:

- Sir, I couldn't help but notice your eyes are bloodshot. Have you been drinking?

The man gets really indignant and says:

- Officer, I couldn't help but notice your eyes are glazed. Have you been eating doughnuts?

Driving to work, a gentleman had to swerve to avoid a box that fell out of a truck in front of him. Seconds later, a policeman pulled him over for reckless driving. Fortunately, another officer had seen the carton in the road. The policemen stopped traffic and recovered the box. It was found to contain large upholstery tacks.

- I'm sorry sir - the first trooper told the driver.

- but I am still going to have to write you a ticket.

Amazed, the driver asked for what. The trooper replied:

- Tacks evasion.

The top 20 things not to say to a cop when he pulls you over.

20. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.
21. Sorry officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.
22. Aren't you the guy from the Village People?
23. Hey, you must have been doing 125 to keep up with me, good job.
24. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical shape to be a police officer.
25. I was going to be a cop, but I decided to finish high school instead.
26. Bad cop. No donut.
27. You're not going to check the trunk, are you?
28. Gee, that gut sure doesn't inspire confidence.
29. Didn't I see you get your butt kicked on cops?
30. Is it true that people become cops because they are too dumb to work at McDonalds?
31. I pay your salary
32. So uh, you on the take or what?
33. Gee officer, that's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning.
34. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.
35. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there is no other cars around, that's how far they are ahead of me.
36. What do you mean have I been drinking? You are the trained specialist.
37. Well, when I reached down to pick up my bag of crack, my gun fell off of my lap and got lodged between the brake and the gas pedal, forcing me to speed out of control.
38. Hey, is that a 9mm? That's nothing compared to this 44 magnum.
39. Hey, can you give me another one of those full cavity searches?

Sheri, the pert and pretty nurse took her troubles to a resident psychiatrist in the hospital where she worked:

- Doctor, you must help me - she pleaded.

- It's gotten so that every time I date one of the young doctors here, I end up dating him. And then afterward, I feel guilty and depressed for a week.

- I see - nodded the psychiatrist.

- And you, no doubt, want me to strengthen your will power and resolve in this matter.

- NO!!! - exclaimed the nurse.

- I want you to fix it so I won't feel guilty and depressed afterward!

A man walked into a therapist's office looking very depressed:

- Doc, you've got to help me. I can't go on like this.

- What's the problem? - the doctor inquired.

- Well, I'm 35 years old and I still have no luck with the ladies. No matter how hard I try, I just seem to scare them away.

- My friend, this is not a serious problem. You just need to work on your self-esteem. Each morning, I want you to get up and run to the bathroom mirror. Tell yourself that you are a good person, a fun person, and an attractive person. But say it with real conviction. Within a week you'll have women buzzing all around you.

The man seemed content with this advice and walked out of the office a bit excited. Three weeks later he returned with the same downtrodden expression on his face:

- Did my advice not work? - asked the doctor.

- It worked alright. For the past several weeks I've enjoyed some of the best moments in my life with the most fabulous looking women.

- So, what's your problem?

- I don't have a problem, - the man replied.

- My wife does.

A group of psychiatrists were attending a convention. Four of them decided to leave, and walked out together. One said to the other three:

- People are always coming to us with their guilt and fears, but we have no one that we can go to when we have problems.

The others agreed.

Then one said:

- Since we are all professionals, why don't we take some time right now to hear each other out?

The other three agreed.

The first then confessed:

- I have an uncontrollable desire to kill my patients.

The second psychiatrist said:

- I love expensive things and so I find ways to cheat my patients out of their money whenever I can so I can buy the things I want.

The third followed with:

- I'm involved with selling drugs and often get my patients to sell them for me.

The fourth psychiatrist then confessed:

- I know I'm not supposed to, but no matter how hard I try, I can't keep a secret...