A kid is walking down the road, when a car pulls up next to him.
The man in the car opens the window and asks the kid if in return for a sweet he will come in his car.
To which the boy replies:
- GIVE ME A FIVER AND I'LL COME IN YOUR FACE!!!!
I went into your house, took a booger of the wall and yo mamma told me not to touch the family portrait.
YO MAMMA'S SO FAT:
- she was mistaken for god's bowling ball.
- when her beeper goes off, people think she's backing up
- she had to go to Sea World to get babtised
- she was born with a silver shovel in her mouth
- her favorite dress is a tent
- she left home with highheels and came back with flip-flops
- she has to iron her pants on the driveway
- she needs a building permit for her girdle
- she needs a hula-hoop for a belly button ear ring
- she puts on tampons with a bazooka
- she has to put lipstick on with a paint roller
- she had to get her ears pierced with a harpoon
- she sat on a rainbow and Skittles came out
- she sat on a quarter and got 2 dimes and a nickel
- she rolled over 4 quarters and made it a dollar
- when she sat on a dollar bill, blood came out of George Washington's nose
- the back of her neck looks like a pack of hot dogs
Once there was this brunette who was driving her corvette with the wind in her hair.
She looked and she saw a farmer with a flock of sheep so she drove over and asked the farmer:
- if I can guess how many sheep in you're flock will you give me a sheep.
The farmer says:
- OK.
The brunette says:
- 485.
The farmer says:
- that's right but if I can guess you're natural hair color can I have my sheep back.
The brunette says:
- OK.
The farmer says:
- blonde.
The brunette says how did you know.
The farmer says you just picked the dog.
Why do men masturbate?
→ Because they want to have sex with someone they love.
Beer and the quotes it has helped create over the years...
I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day. -- Frank Sinatra
The problem with some people is that when they aren't drunk, they're sober. -- William Butler Yeats
An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time with his fools. -- Ernest Hemingway
Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut. -- Ernest Hemingway
You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on. -- Dean Martin
Drunk is feeling sophisticated when you can't say it. -- Anonymous
No animal ever invented anything as bad as drunkenness - or as good as drink. -- G.K. Chesterton
Time is never wasted when you're wasted all the time. -- Catherine Zandonella
Abstainer: a weak person who yields to the temptation of denying himself a pleasure. -- Ambrose Bierce
Reality is an illusion that occurs due to lack of alcohol. -- Anonymous
Drinking provides a beautiful excuse to pursue the one activity that truly gives me pleasure, hooking up with fat hairy girls. -- Ross Levy
A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to thank her.
What contemptible scoundrel has stolen the cork to my lunch? -- W.C. Fields
Beauty lies in the hands of the beer holder. -- Anonymous
If God had intended us to drink beer, He would have given us stomachs. -- David Daye
Work is the curse of the drinking classes. -- Oscar Wilde
When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading. -- Henny Youngman
Life is a waste of time, time is a waste of life, so get wasted all of the time and have the time of your life. -- Michelle Mastrolacasa
I'd rather have a bottle in front of me, than a frontal lobotomy. -- Tom Waits
24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? -- Stephen Wright
When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep.
When we fall asleep, we commit no sin.
When we commit no sin, we go to heaven.
Sooooo, let's all get drunk, and go to heaven... -- Brian O'Rourke
You can't be a real country unless you have a beer and an airline - it helps if you have some kind of a football team, or some nuclear weapons, but at the very least you need a beer. -- Frank Zappa
Always remember that I have taken more out of alcohol than alcohol has taken out of me. -- Winston Churchill
He was a wise man who invented beer. -- Plato
Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy. -- Benjamin Franklin
If you ever reach total enlightenment while drinking beer, I bet it makes beer shoot out your nose. -- Deep Thought, Jack Handy
Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza. -- Dave Barry
The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks behind. -- Humphrey Bogart
Why is Australian beer served cold?
→ So you can tell it from urine. -- David Moulton
Give me a woman who loves beer and I will conquer the world. -- Kaiser Wilhelm
I would kill everyone in this room for a drop of sweet beer. -- Homer Simpson
Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as hydrogen and oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital ingredient in beer.
I drink to make other people interesting. -- George Jean Nathan
All right, brain, I don't like you and you don't like me - so let's just do this and I'll get back to killing you with beer. -- Homer Simpson
- Knock Knock!
- Who's there?
- Banana!
- Banana who?
- Knock Knock!
- Who's there?
- Banana!
- Banana who?
- Knock Knock!
- Who's there?
- Banana!
- Banana who?
- Knock Knock!
- Who's there?
- Orange!
- Orange who?
- Orange you glad I didn't say Banana!
A blonde and a brunette are taking a walk, and the burnette goes, "Oh look, a dead bird," and the blonde looks up at the sky and goes, "Where?"
How did the sand get wet?
→ The sea weed!
Once there was a preacher's wife who went into a bakery and asked the butcher waht the daily special was. He said it was the "damn ham."
She immediatly started yelling at the top of her lungs:
- HOW DARE YOU SPEAK TO ME LIKE THAT I'M THE PREACHER'S WIFE!
The butcher was totally taken back by this while he wimpered:
- Oh, no ma'am it's called the 'damn ham.'
She bought one of the hams.
Later that day when the preacher got home he smelled the ham cooking and asked his wife what it was. She replied that it was the "damn ham." He also immediatly started yelling at the top of his lungs:
- HOW DARE YOU TALK TO ME LIKE THAT I'M THE PREACHER!
She was also taken back by this and wimpered that it was the "damn ham."
At dinner that night they were eating dinner with their kids and they, too, asked what this delicoius meal was. Their father (the preacher) said that it was the "damn ham."
Their son was quite happy with this. In fact he said:
- That's the spirit, Dad, now pass the fucking potatoes.
Why do banks charge you a "non-sufficient funds" fee on money they already know you don't have?
If you get cheated by the Better Business Bureau, who do you complain to?
In a country of free speech, why are there phone bills?
How come there aren't B batteries?
If the post office has machines that can sort snail mail at 1000's of times per minute, then why do they give it to a little old man on a bike to deliver?
If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
How do you know that honesty is the best policy until you have tried some of the others?
How do you throw away a garbage can?
How does a thermos know if the drink should be hot or cold?
What happens to an 18 hour bra after 18 hours?
Why do tourists go to the tops of tall buildings and then put money into telescopes so they can see things on the ground close-up?
Why is it that you must wait until night to call it a day?
What if the Hokey Pokey IS what its all about?
When your pet bird sees you reading the newspaper, does he wonder why you're just sitting there, staring at carpeting?
What happened to the first 6 "ups"?
