Most commented jokes

Never squat with yer spurs on.
There's two theories to arguin' with a woman; neither one works.
Don't worry about bitin' off more than you can chew, your mouth is probably a whole lot bigger'n you think.
If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin' somebody else's dog around.
Never smack a man who's chewin' tobacco.
It don't take a genius to spot a goat in a flock of sheep.
Never ask a barber if he thinks you need a haircut.
Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
Always drink upstream from the herd.
If you're ridin' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there.
Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier 'n puttin' it back in.
Finally, never miss a good chance to shut up.

The cowboy was trying to buy a health insurance policy. The insurance agent was going down the list of standard questions.

- Ever have an accident?

- Nope, nary a one.

- None? You've never had any accidents.

- Nope. Ain't never had one. Never.

- Well, you said on this form you were bit by a snake once. Wouldn't you consider that an accident?

- Heck, no. That dang varmint bit me on purpose.

I had a dream the other night. I was in the old West riding in a stagecoach. Suddenly, a man riding a horse pulls up to the left side of the stagecoach, and a riderless horse pulls up on the right.

The man leans down, pulls open the door, and jumps off his horse into the stagecoach. Then he opens the door on the other side and jumps onto the other horse.

Just before he rode off, I yelled out:

- What was all that about?

He replied:

- Nothing. It's just a stage I'm going through.

Two cowboys come upon an Indian lying on his stomach with his ear to the ground. One of the cowboys stops and says to the other:

- You see that Indian?

- Yeah - says the other cowboy.

- Look - says the first one.

- He's listening to the ground. He can hear things for miles in any direction.

Just then the Indian looks up:

- Covered wagon - he says.

- about two miles away. Have two horses, one brown, one white. Man, woman, child, household effects in wagon.

- Incredible! - says the cowboy to his friend.

- This Indian knows how far away they are, how many horses, what color they are, who is in the wagon, and what is in the wagon. Amazing!

The Indian looks up and says:

- Ran over me about a half hour ago.

Three cowboys were hanging out in the bunkhouse.

- I know that smart aleck Tex - said the first.

- He's going to start bragging about that new foreign car he bought as soon as he gets back.

- Not Tex - the second cowboy replied.

- He'll always be just a good ol' boy. When he walks in, I'm sure all he'll say is hello.

- I know Tex better than either of you - said the third.

- He's so smart, he'll figure out a way to do both. Here he comes now.

Tex swung open the bunkhouse door and shouted:

- Audi, partners!

The Lone Ranger and Tonto walked into a bar one day and sat down to drink a beer. After a few minutes, a big tall cowboy walked in and said:

- Who owns the big white horse outside?

The Lone Ranger stood up, hitched his gunbelt, and said:

- I do. Why?

The cowboy looked at the Lone Ranger and said:

- I just thought you would like to know that your horse is just about dead outside!!

The Lone Ranger and Tonto rushed outside and, sure enough, Silver was about dead from heat exhaustion. The Lone Ranger got him some water and made him drink it, and soon Silver was starting to feel a little better. The Lone Ranger turned to Tonto and said:

- Tonto, I want you to run around Silver and see if you can create enough of a breeze to make him start to feel better.

- Sure Kemosabe - Tonto said, and took off running circles around Silver.

Not able to do anything else but wait, the Lone Ranger returned to the bar to finish his drink. A few minutes later, another cowboy struts into the bar and announces:

- Who owns that big white horse outside?

The Lone Ranger stands again and claims:

- I do. What is wrong with him this time?

The cowboy says to him:

- Nothing much, I just wanted you to know............ you left your Injun running!!!

An Indian chief had three wives, each of whom was pregnant. The first gave birth to a boy. The chief was so elated he built her a teepee made of deer hide. A few days later, the second gave birth, also to a boy. The chief was very happy. He built her a teepee made of antelope hide. The third wife gave birth a few days later, but the chief kept the details a secret. He built this one a two story teepee, made out of a hippopotamus hide. The chief then challenged the tribe to guess what had occurred.

Many tried, unsuccessfully. Finally, one young brave declared that the third wife had given birth to twin boys.

- Correct - said the chief.

- How did you figure it out?

The warrior answered:

- It's elementary. The value of the squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides.

An evil Atheist explorer in the deepest Amazon suddenly finds himself surrounded by a bloodthirsty group of natives. Upon surveying the situation, he says quietly to himself:

- Oh God, I'm screwed!!!!!.

There is a ray of light from heaven and a voice booms out:

- No, you are NOT screwed. Pick up that stone at your feet and bash in the head of the chief standing in front of you.

So the explorer picks up the stone and proceeds to bash the living heck out of the chief.

As he stands above the lifeless body, breathing heavily and surrounded by 100 natives with a look of shock on their faces, Gods voice booms out again:

- Okay ..... NOW you're screwed.

OLD TEACHERS never die, they just lose their class
OLD TELEPHONES never die, they just stop ringing
OLD THERMODYNAMICISTS never die, they just achieve their state -- of maximum entropy
OLD TIRE TUBES never die, they just get punctured
OLD TRASH never dies, they just bury it
OLD TRIGONOMETRY TEACHERS never die, they just lose their identities
OLD TROMBONISTS never die - they just slide away...
OLD TRUCK DRIVERS never die; they just get a new Peterbilt
OLD TV SHOWS never die, they just get rerun on Nickelodeon
OLD TV SOAP STARS never die, they become pathetic
OLD GOAL UMPIRES never die, they just get flagged down -- umpires as in Australian Rules Football
OLD USENETTERS never die, they just become unresponsive
OLD VACATIONERS never die, they just don't come back
OLD VIOLINISTS never die - they just become unstrung.
OLD VOICEMAIL SYSTEMS never die, they just stop answering

OLD WANTS never die, they become needs
OLD WATCHMAKERS never die, they just run out of time
OLD WATCHMAKERS never die, they just unwind
OLD WATCHMAKERS never die, they just wind down
OLD WEATHERMEN never die, they reign forever
OLD WHITE WATER RAFTERS never die, they just get disgorged
OLD WOOL COATS never die, they just become mothballed
OLD WRESTLERS never die, they just lose their grip
OLD YACHTSMEN never die, they just keel over
WALT DISNEY didn't die, he's in suspended animation
There is no conclusive evidence about what happens to old skeptics, -- but their future is doubtful