Most commented jokes

One evening, in a busy lounge in the deep south, a reindeer walked in the door, bellied up to the bar and ordered a martini. Without batting an eye, the bartender mixed and poured the drink, set it in front of the reindeer, and accepted the twenty-dollar bill from the reindeer's hoof. As he handed the reindeer some coins in change, he said:

- You know, I think you're the first reindeer I've ever seen in here.

The reindeer looked hard at the hoofful of change and said:

- Hmmmpf. Let me tell you something, buddy. At these prices, I'm the last reindeer you'll see in here.

Make out your Chopin Liszt early before Debussy season, when you have time to check out Verdi good bargains are, can still get gifts Faure good price, not have to Handel large crowds and have time to give Bach things you decide you don't want.

10. Boy, if I had not recently shot up four sizes, that would've fit.
11. It would be a shame if the garbage man ever accidentally took this from me.
12. Perfect for wearing in the basement.
13. Well, well, well...
14. I really don't deserve this.
15. Gosh, I hope this never catches fire!
16. I Love it, but I fear the jealousy it will inspire.
17. If the dog buries it, I'll be furious!
18. Sadly, tomorrow I enter the federal witness protection program.
19. To think I got this the year I vowed to give all my gifts to charity.

1. Instead of milk and cookies, leave him a salad, and a note explaining that you think he could stand to lose a few pounds.
2. While he's in the house, go find his sleigh and write him a speeding ticket.
3. Leave him a note, explaining that you've gone away for the holidays. Ask if he would mind watering your plants.
4. While he's in the house, replace all his reindeer with exact replicas. Then wait and see what happens when he tries to get them to fly.
5. Keep an angry bull in your living room. If you think a bull goes crazy when he sees a little red cape, wait until he sees that big, red Santa suit!
6. Build an army of mean-looking snowmen on the roof, holding signs that say "We hate Christmas," and "Go away Santa."
7. Leave a note by the telephone, telling Santa that Mrs. Claus called and wanted to remind him to pick up some milk and a loaf of bread on his way home.
8. Throw a surprise party for Santa when he comes down the chimney. Refuse to let him leave until the strippers arrive.
9. While he's in the house, find the sleigh and sit in it. As soon as he comes back and sees you, tell him that he shouldn't have missed that last payment, and take off.
10. Leave a plate filled with cookies and a glass of milk out, with a note that says, "For The Tooth Fairy. :)" Leave another plate out with half a stale cookie and a few drops of skim milk in a dirty glass with a note that says, "For Santa. :("
11. Take everything out of your house as if it's just been robbed. When Santa arrives, show up dressed like a policeman and say, "Well, well. They always return to the scene of the crime."
12. Leave out a copy of your Christmas list with last-minute changes and corrections.
13. While he's in the house, cover the top of the chimney with barbed wire.
14. Leave lots of hunting trophies and guns out where Santa's sure to see them. Go outside, yell, "Ooh! Look! A deer! And he's got a red nose!" and fire a gun.
15. Leave Santa a note, explaining that you've moved. Include a map with unclear and hard-to-read directions to your new house.
16. Set a bear trap at the bottom of the chimney. Wait for Santa to get caught in it, and then explain that you're sorry, but from a distance, he looked like a bear.
17. Leave out a Santa suit, with an attached dry-cleaning bill.
18. Paint "hoof-prints" all over your face and clothes. While he's in the house, go out on the roof. When he comes back up, act like you've been "trampled." Threaten to sue for personal injury.
19. Instead of ornaments, decorate your tree with Easter eggs.
20. Dress up like the Easter Bunny. Wait for Santa to come and then say, "This neighborhood ain't big enough for the both of us."

Three men die in a car accident Christmas Eve. They all find themselves at the pearly gates waiting to enter Heaven. On entering they must present something relating or associated with Christmas.

The first man searches his pocket, and finds some Mistletoe, so he is allowed in. The second man presents a cracker, so he is also allowed in.

The third man pulls out a pair of stockings. Confused at this last gesture, St. Peter asks:

- How do these represent Christmas?

- They're Carol's.

On Christmas morning a cop on horseback is sitting at a traffic light, and next to him is a kid on his shiny new bike.

The cop says to the kid:

- Nice bike you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?

The kid says:

- Yeah.

The cop says:

- Well, next year tell Santa to put a tail-light on that bike.

The cop then proceeds to issue the kid a $20.00 bicycle safety violation ticket.

The kid takes the ticket and before he rides off says:

- By the way, that's a nice horse you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?

Humoring the kid, the cop says:

- Yeah, he sure did.

The kid says:

- Well, next year tell Santa to put the stupidity in the horse's brain instead of on his back.

1. You strike a match and light your nose.
2. You take off your shoes and wade in the potato salad.
3. You hear a duck quacking and it's you.
4. You tell your best joke to the rubber plant.
5. You refill your glass from the fish bowl.
6. You hear someone say, "Call a priest!"
7. You start kissing the portraits on the wall.
8. You complain about the small bathroom after emerging from the closet.
9. You ask for another ice cube and put it in your pocket.
10. You tell everyone you have to go home... and the party's at your place.
11. You have to hold on to the floor to keep from sliding off.
12. You pick up a roll, and butter your watch.
13. You yawn at the biggest bore in the room... and realize you're in front of the hall mirror.
14. You take out your handkerchief and blow your ear.
15. You suggest everyone stand and sing the national budget.

A Russian couple was walking down the street in St. Petersburg the other night, when the man felt a drop hit his nose.

- I think it's raining - he said to his wife.

- No, that felt more like snow to me - she replied.

- No, I'm sure it was just rain - he said.

Well, as these things go, they were about to have a major argument about whether it was raining or snowing. Just then they saw a minor communist party official walking toward them.

- Let's not fight about it - the man said.

- let's ask Comrade Rudolph whether it's officially raining or snowing.

As the official approached, the man said:

- Tell us, Comrade Rudolph, is it officially raining or snowing?

- It's raining, of course - he answered and walked on.

But the woman insisted:

- I know that felt like snow!

To which the man quietly replied:

- Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear!

What do elves learn in school?
→ The Elf-abet!

What's the most popular wine at Christmas?
→ "I don't like sprouts!"

If athletes get athletes foot, what do astronauts get?
→ Missletoe!

What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
→ Frostbite.

Why was Santa's little helper depressed?
→ Because he had low elf esteem.

Why does Santa have 3 gardens?
→ So he can ho-ho-ho.

Where do polar bears vote?
→ The North Poll.

What do you get when you cross an archer with a gift-wrapper?
→ Ribbon hood.

Why do birds fly south for the winter?
→ Because it's to far to walk.

What was wrong with the boy's brand new toy electric train set he received for Christmas?
→ Forty feet of track - all straight!

What kind of bird can write?
→ A PENguin.

How does Al Gore's household keep Christmas politically correct?
→ On Christmas morning, they give the presents TO the tree.

What do you call a cat on the beach at Christmas time?
→ Sandy Claus!

How do sheep in Mexico say Merry Christmas?
→ Fleece Navidad!

What nationality is Santa Claus?
→ North Polish.

Why does Santa's sled get such good mileage?
→ Because it has long-distance runners on each side.

What do you call a bunch of grandmasters of chess bragging about their games in a hotel lobby?
→ Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer!

What do you get if you deep fry Santa Claus?
→ Crisp Cringle.

What did the ghosts say to Santa Claus?
→ We'll have a boo Christmas without you.

What did Santa shout to his toys on Christmas Eve?
→ Okay everyone, sack time!!

What do snowmen eat for breakfast?
→ Snowflakes.

If Santa Claus and Mrs. Claus had a child, what would he be called?
→ A subordinate claus.

Why did the elf push his bed into the fireplace?
→ He wanted to sleep like a log.

Why did Santa spell Christmas N-O-E?
→ Because the angel had said, "No L!"

What goes Ho, Ho, Swoosh, Ho, Ho, Swoosh?
→ Santa caught in a revolving door!

Why does Santa Claus go down the chimney on Christmas Eve?
→ Because it "soots" him!

What do you do if Santa gets stuck in your chimney?
→ Pour Santa flush on him.

Did you hear that one of Santa's reindeer now works for Proctor and Gambel?
→ Its true . . . Comet cleans sinks!

What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus?
→ Claustrophobic.

Why does Scrooge love Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer?
→ Because every buck is dear to him.

How come you never hear anything about the 10th reindeer "Olive"?
→ Yeah, you know, "Olive the other reindeer, used to laugh and call him names"

Why is Christmas just like a day at the office?
→ You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.

What was so good about the neurotic doll the girl was given for Christmas?
→ It was wound up already.

What's a good holiday tip?
→ Never catch snowflakes with your tongue until all the birds have gone south for the winter.

The advice your son rejected is now being given by him to your grandson.

Working mothers are guinea pigs in a scientific experiment to show that sleep is not necessary to human life.

Parents often talk about the younger generations as if they didn't have anything to do with it.