Most commented jokes

- A few guppies short of an aquarium.

- A few inches short of a foot/yard.

- A few kernels short of an ear.

- A few kopeks short of a ruble.

- A few links shy of a chain.

- A few measures short of a staff.

- A few open splices.

- A few peas short of a pod/casserole.

- A few pickles short of a jar.

- A few pies short of a holiday.

- A few planes short of an Air Force / hangar.

- A few points short of a polygon.

- A few revisions behind.

- A few sandwiches/apples/ants short of a picnic.

- A few screws loose.

- A few shrimps short of a barbie.

- A few spoons short of a full set.

- A few straws shy of a bale.

- A few tiles missing from his space shuttle.

- A few tiles short of a successful re-entry.

- A few too many lights out in his Christmas tree.

- A few volts below threshold.

- A few yards short of the hole.

- A flash of light, a cloud of dust, and... What was the question?

- A gross ignoramus -- 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.

- A hop, skip, and jump from success, but to get there he'd have to give up chewing gum.

- A kangaroo loose in her top paddock.

- A lap behind the field.

- A little light in his loafers. (Apparently offensive to some? Sorry.)

- A looney tune.

- A medical mystery.

- A mental midget with the IQ of a fencepost. -- Tom Waits

- A mind as empty as the sleeping pill concession at a honeymoon hotel.

- A mind like wet tennis shoes... Makes squishy noises when running.

- A modest little person, with much to be modest about. -- Churchill

- A natural talent for finding subliminal messages in ice cubes.

- A Neanderthal brain in a Cro-Magnon body.

- A notch off the timing mark.

- A one-bit brain with a parity error.

- A pacifist out of necessity in a battle of wits.

- A photographic memory, but the lens cover is glued on.

- A prime candidate for natural deselection.

- A quart low.

- A return with no gosub.

- A room temperature IQ.

- A semitone flat on the high notes.

- A square with only three sides.

- A steering wheel / few bolts short of a Yugo.

- A teapot with a cracked lid.

- A titanic intellect... In a world full of icebergs.

- A vacuum-tube brain in a microchip world.

- A VGA card and a Herc monitor.

- A victim of retroactive birth control.

- A violin minus the bow.

- A walking argument for birth control.

- A wind-up clock without a key.

- About half smart.

- Afraid she'll void her warranty if she thinks too much.

- Airhead / bubble-brain.

- Aliens zapped him with stupidity ray -- twice.

- All booster, no payload.

- All crown, no filling.

- All foam, no beer.

- All hammer, no nail.

- All hat and no cattle.

- All he remembers about his middle name is the first letter.

- All his eggs in the same basket.

- All his learning curves look like Mount Everest.

- All icing, no cake.

- All lime and salt, no tequila.

- All missile, no warhead.

- All of his bytes are odd.

- All shot, no powder.

- All the lights don't shine in her marquee.

- All the personality of linoleum flooring / plasticene / putty / caulking / saran wrap / a bowl of oatmeal / a plastic spoon.

- All wax and no wick.

- Alphabetizes junk mail / T-shirts / canonical lists.

- Always in the right place, but at the wrong time.

- Always loses battles of wits because he's unarmed.

- Always needs to have jokes explained.

- Always sharpening his sleeping skills.

- An 8080 in a 68000 environment.

- An alligator. (All mouth, no ears.)

- An Apple //e on UUCP.

- An early example of the Peter Principle.

- An ego like a black hole.

- An example of how the dinosaurs survived for millions of years with walnut sized brains.

- An experiment in Artificial Stupidity.

- An expert on the historical significance of cottage cheese.

- An inch short and a stroke early.

- An intellect rivaled only by garden tools.

- An XT clone in a Pentium zone.

- Another engineering prototype that should not have been shipped.

- Answers the door when the phone rings.

- Any slower and he'd be in reverse. -- Gignac

- As a baby his parents stood him on his soft spot.

- As bent as a corkscrew.

- As bright as a nightlight / small appliance bulb / tulip bulb.

- As happy as if he had brains.

- As happy as the village idiot.

- As much use as a back pocket in a vest. (Very English.)

- As much use as a lead parachute.

- As quick as a corpse.

- As rare as a nine bob note. (Very English.)

- As sharp as a marble / bowling ball / beachball / pin head / wet sponge / bowl of Jello / mashed potato sandwich, and twice as smart.

- As sharp as a sack full of wet mice. -- Foghorn Leghorn

- As smart as a politician/lawyer is honest.

- As smart as bait / an automatic email responder script.

- As smart as Christie Brinkley is ugly.

- As thick as champ. (Irish champ is mostly mashed spuds and cabbage.)

- As thick as two short planks / two half bricks.

- As worn out as a cucumber in a convent.

- Attic's a little dusty.

- Back burners not fully operating.

- Bad spot on the disk.

- Baler done run out of twine.

- Bandwidth limited.

- Barney's his hero.

- Bats have flown the belfry, and now he's all alone.

- Bats in the belfry.

- Batteries not included.

- Been napping in front of the ion shield again.

- Been playing with his wand too much.

- Been playing with the pharmacy section again.

- Been short on oxygen one time too many.

- Been using her head as a mass driver.

- Blew his O-rings.

- Blew the hatch before the lock sealed.

- Blocked one too many hockey pucks / soccer balls / punches with his head.

- Blown/leaking head gasket.

- Born a day late and like that ever since.

- Born during low tide in the gene pool / swimming in the shallow end of the gene pool.

- Born ugly and built to last.

- Both oars in the water, but on the same side of the boat.

- Brain is running on empty.

- Brain like a hard drive with no read/write head.

- Brain permanently in power saving / 8-bit mode.

- Brain transplant donor.

- Bright as a Zippo lighter without a flint.

- Bright as Alaska in December.

- Bright as an acetylene torch -- without an oxygen supply.

- Brings binoculars to submarine races.

- Broadcasts static.

- Bubbles/leaks in her think tank.

- Built a special showcase for his herd of pet rocks.

- Busier than a one-armed paper hanger.

- Caboose seems to be pulling the engine.

- Cackles a lot, but I ain't seen no eggs yet.

- Calling her stupid would be an insult to stupid people.

- Calling him a pea brain would be an undeserved compliment.

- Calls people to ask them their phone number.

- Can be outwitted by a jar of Marshmallow Fluff.

- Can discern facts and form predictions with the acumen of an economist.

- Can easily be confused with facts.

- Can only remember her old passwords.

- Can only shoot pool with a left-handed cue stick.

- Can't distinguish jacking off and stropping a razor.

- Can't find log base two of 65536 without a calculator.

- Can't program his way out of a for-loop.

- Car's only got three wheels, and one's going flat.

- Carrier wave unmodulated.

- Carries a tire gauge in her purse.

- Cart can't hold all the groceries.

- Cauliflower for brains.

- Changes hands and picks up a stroke.

- Charming as a carbuncle.

- Cheats when filling out opinion polls.

- Cheezwiz for brains.

- Chimney's clogged.

- Clock doesn't have all its numbers.

- Collects cards for Craig.

- Communications with him is limited to ping.

- Confused as a baby in a topless bar.

- Consumes hard drugs as vitamins.

- Contributes to collections like this one without searching first to see if their little gem is already listed.

- Contributes to the population problem.

- Could be considered a plant if he developed photrophic motility.

- Could only be loved/missed if the minister read someone else's eulogy.

- Couldn't balance a checkbook if Einstein helped.

- Couldn't count to 21 if he were barefoot and without pants.

- Couldn't find his way through a maze even if the rats helped him.

- Couldn't hit sand if he fell off a camel.

- Couldn't hit the broad side of a barn if he were standing inside.

- Couldn't pour water out of a boot with instructions on the heel.

- Couldn't think/pee his way out of a paper bag.

- Couldn't write dialog for a porno flick.

- CPU is always in powersave mode.

- CPU not connected to the bus.

- Cranial cavity filled with neutronic matter. (Really dense.)

- Cranio-rectally inverted.

- Cunning as a dodo bird.

- Cursor's flashing but there's no response.

- Dealing with him is less fun than going to the dentist.

- Dealing with him is one angst worse than a blind date.

- Deep as her dimples / reflection in a mirror.

- Defective hard drive / boot sector.

- Dense as a London fog.

- Diarrhea of the mouth constipation of the ideas.

- Differently clued. -- Dave Clark

- Dock doesn't quite reach the water.

- Does aerobics... in his head.

- Does everything the hard way, like making love standing up in a hammock.

- Doesn't adjust for leap years.

- Doesn't consider his drive a slice unless it lands two fairways over.

- Doesn't have a round in every chamber.

- Doesn't have all his cornflakes in one box.

- Doesn't have all his dogs on one leash / cups in the cupboard / groceries in the same bag.

- Doesn't have all the dots on his dice / pens in her plotter.

- Doesn't have both oars in the water -- can't even find the damn boat.

- Doesn't have elastic in both of his socks.

- Doesn't have his belt through all the loops.

- Doesn't have sixteen annas to the rupee.

- Doesn't have the brain power to toast a crouton.

- Doesn't have the sense God gave an animal cracker.

- Doesn't have two neurons to rub together.

- Doesn't just know nothing doesn't even suspect much.

- Doesn't know much, but leads the league in nostril hair. -- Billing

- Doesn't know which side the toast is buttered on.

- Doesn't put the cross-hairs on the target.

- Doesn't quite sample at the Nyquist rate.

- Doesn't suffer from ear pressure when flying at altitude.

- Donated her body to scientists... Before she was done using it.

- Downhill skiing in Iowa.

- Driveway doesn't quite reach the garage.

- Driving at night with the lights off.

- Driving with two wheels in the sand.

- Dropped his second stage too soon.

- Dumb as asphalt / dirt / a mud fence / a stump / a sack of hammers.

- Dumber than a chicken / box of hair/rocks.

- During evolution his ancestors were in the control group.

- Ears are redirected to /dev/null.

- Easier to count the bricks left than the bricks missing.

- Echoes between the ears.

- Eight pawns short of a gambit.

- Elevator doesn't go all the way to the top floor / penthouse.

- Elevator goes all the way to the top but the door doesn't open.

- Elevator is on the ground floor and he's pushing the Down button.

- End of season sale at the cerebral department. -- Gareth Blackstock

- Enjoys listening to telemarketers.

- Enough sawdust between the ears to bed an elephant.

- Even a two button mouse gives him too many options.

- Evidence for the theory of a missing link.

- Failed the Turing test.

- Fell out of the family tree.

- Fifty-one cards short of a full deck.

- Fighting the war with a starter pistol / water pistol / pop gun / cap gun.

- Finds a flat by swapping tires.

- Finds canonical humor collections amusing.

- Finds Sesame Street / knock-knock jokes challenging.

- Fired from McDonald's for having a short attention span.

- Fired her retro-rockets a little late.

- Flaky.

- Flat out like a lizard drinking.

- Flying/landing on one engine.

- Focused like a 12 gauge shotgun.

- Fog rolled in the day he was born, and a bit of it never rolled out.

- Folds ace plus red jack hand when playing blackjack.

- Foreign substances float in his cranial fluids.

- Forgot to pay his brain bill.

- Found his marbles, but is playing jacks with them.

- Four bits shy of a full DEC.

- Four cents short of a nickel.

- Full of wisdumb.

- Full throttle, dry tank.

- Fur coat and no knickers. (Scottish expression.)

- Gasoline engine, diesel fuel.

- Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.

- Gavel doesn't quite hit the bench.

- Gears grind/don't always mesh.

- Gets her mail at an unknown zip code.

- Gets his orders from another planet.

- Gets hypnotized on the de-spun section.

- Gets parity errors under load.

- Gives a lot of bull for somebody what ain't got no cattle.

- Goalie for the dart team.

- God might still use him for miracle practice.

- God's favorite target for lightning strikes.

- Goes with the flow... He's a bed wetter.

- Good at quantum tunneling but not much else.

- Got a life, but wasn't sure what to do with it.

- Got his brains as a stocking stuffer.

- Got into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasn't watching.

- Guillotining him would make only an aesthetic difference.

- Gyros are loose.

- Habits explainable if he was raised by wolves.

- Had a head crash.

- Half a bubble off plumb. -- attributed to Mark Twain

- Happiness is seeing her picture on a milk carton.

- Hard to distinguish from the tail end of a horse.

- Hard to tell if he has an ace up his sleeve or if the ace is missing from his deck altogether.

- Has a bus fault problem.

- Has a few wait states.

- Has a full six-pack but lacks the plastic thing to hold them together.

- Has a leak in his ceiling.

- Has a one-way ticket on the Disoriented Express.

- Has a pulse, but that's about all.

- Has a random memory fault.

- Has a slow clock.

- Has a sparse matrix. (Beware, "matrix" comes from the Latin "womb".)

- Has a two-bit operating system.