Most commented jokes

- Has all her bricks, but no cement holding them together.

- Has an inferiority complex, but not a very good one.

- Has an IQ one lower than it takes to grunt.

- Has change for a seven dollar bill.

- Has FINO (first in never out) memory.

- Has his brain on cruise control again.

- Has his solar panels aimed at the moon.

- Has it floored in neutral.

- Has no discretionary intellect.

- Has no upper stage.

- Has nothing to say, but delights in saying it.

- Has only one chopstick in the chowmein.

- Has resonance where others have brains.

- Has signs on both ears saying "Space for Rent".

- Has so few thoughts that when he free associates, it's like watching tennis

- Has the attention span of an overripe grapefruit.

- Has the brains of a house plant.

- Has the Grand Canyon under the crew cut.

- Has the IQ of a salad bar / an ice cube / three below houseplant.

- Has the keen awareness of an ostrich in hiding.

- Has the mental agility of a soap dish.

- Has the personality of a snail on Valium.

- Has the same talent as Dr. Doolittle.

- Has two brains one is lost and the other is out looking for it.

- Hasn't caught on that X and Y are relative values.

- Hasn't got all his china in the cupboard.

- Hasn't got the brains God gave a cat.

- Having a party in his head, but no one else is invited.

- He can only type in upper case.

- He can push but he can't pop.

- He demonstrates that beauty times brains is a constant.

- He donated his brain to science but they made an early withdrawal.

- He fell out of the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down.

- He knows computers... He's not fit for contact with humans.

- He writes blank checks on a closed account.

- He'd be in big trouble if his wristwatch broke and he had to

- He'd screw up a two-car funeral procession.

- He's a General Protection Fault trigger.

- He's a man on a mission, but can't find his dossier.

- He's diagnosable.

- He's not a complete idiot -- some parts are missing.

- He's not stupid he's possessed by a retarded ghost.

- He's so dense, light bends around him.

- He's so dense, the Titanic wouldn't sink in his head.

- Hears everything that a dog can.

- Hears more lyrics on records when they're played backwards.

- Her access time approaches infinity.

- Her ancestors came to this country looking for bananas.

- Her blender doesn't go past "mix".

- Her brain has a corrupted filesystem / someone needs to run fsck on her brain.

- Her brain is more like a Rube Goldberg device than a computer.

- Her cache is incoherent.

- Her dentist went deaf from the drill's echoes.

- Her dialing thumb must be broken.

- Her ears serve the same function as holes in a dribble glass.

- Her files are compressed 100%.

- Her head needs a periodic whack on the side.

- Her input pipe is broken.

- Her interrupt handler hit a loop.

- Her leads need resoldering.

- Her learning curve is fractal.

- Her lint trap is full.

- Her lists are unlinked.

- Her memory is truly random-access.

- Her mental function can be graphed with a single dot.

- Her mere presence causes parity errors, power fails, and head crashes.

- Her mind is not grounded to a logic supply.

- Her mind might have spontaneously combusted.

- Her mind would be unstable even mounted on a tripod.

- Her modem lights are on but there's no carrier.

- Her objects are not fully oriented.

- Her phone doesn't quite reach her desk.

- Her random access is the same as her sequential access.

- Her sewing machine's been out of thread for some time now.

- Her ski lift doesn't go to the top of the hill.

- Her stack has been corrupted.

- Her synapses are about |that| far apart.

- Her system file has zero bytes.

- Her tires are a little low.

- Her wipers don't touch the glass.

- Her word length is zero bits.

- Hid behind the door when they passed out brains.

- High relative humidity... He's lost in a fog.

- His .sig is long, boring, and stupid, but it's the best part of his postings.

- His access light's on, but the drive isn't spinning / is still spinning up.

- His accumulator overflows at zero.

- His actual mileage varies.

- His antenna/radio doesn't pick up all the channels/stations.

- His boot block is in a bad sector.

- His brackets are mismatched.

- His brain could be the perfect dielectric.

- His brain was sold separately and they were out of stock.

- His brain would rattle around in a gnat's navel.

- His buffer is full.

- His clutch is slipping.

- His data bus stops for red lights.

- His deck has no face cards.

- His elevator is stuck between floors.

- His face is on a coin... On the edge.

- His family wasn't dysfunctional until he arrived.

- His freelist is empty.

- His gene line isn't just dead, it's extinct.

- His golf bag does not contain a full set of irons. -- Robin Williams

- His grey matter is brown / doesn't matter.

- His head whistles in a cross wind.

- His home planet is flat.

- His IQ is a false positive.

- His jack can't get the car off the ground.

- His mind is a few Hertz off its assigned frequency.

- His mind is great at error magnification.

- His mind is less substantial than the Emperor's new clothes.

- His mind is on vacation but his mouth is working overtime.

- His mind is write-protected/write-only.

- His mind reached escape velocity and achieved orbit.

- His mind wandered and never came back.

- His motto is: Space, the final frontier.

- His mouth rarely makes calls to his brain.

- His outgoing message starts with, "Hello, Mr. Answering Machine."

- His page was intentionally left blank.

- His picture is in the dictionary under "zero".

• His pointers are null / uninitialized.
• His puzzle is missing a few pieces.
• His reaction time is longer than his attention span. -- Thaves
• His root file system isn't mounted.
• His seat back is not in the full upright and locked position.
• His shared libraries aren't installed.
• His signal-to-noise ratio is epsilon.
• His spark can't jump the gap.
• His spirit guide is a three-toed sloth.
• His stack's not very deep / he has an eight-byte stack.
• His string's aren't null-terminated.
• His strip is demagnetized.
• His system administrator is never in.
• His train tracks aren't quite parallel.
• His URL denies outside access.
• His watch dog is sleeping.
• His wisdom is stolen from bumper-stickers and T-shirts.
• Hitler's evil twin.
• Hyperspatially interconnected / permanently disconnected neural net.
• Hypnotized as a child and couldn't be woken.
• I'd like to buy him for what he's worth and sell him for what he thinks he's worth.
• If brains were bird droppings, he'd have a clean cage.
• If brains were dynamite, she wouldn't have enough to blow her nose / her hat off / the wax out of her ears.
• If brains were gasoline, he wouldn't have enough to drive a dinky car around the inside of a cheerio.
• If brains were grains of sand, he couldn't fill a dixie cup.
• If brains were lard, he'd be hard pressed to grease a small pan.
• If brains were taxed, he'd get a rebate.
• If brains were water, hers wouldn't be enough to baptize a flea.
• If God tried to help him, we'd have an eight day week.
• If he donated his brain to science it'd set civilization back 50 years.

- If he gets any denser, the geocentric theory of the universe will come true.

- If he had a lobotomy he'd depressurize.

- If he had another brain, it would be lonely.

- If he had brains, he'd take them out and play with them.

- If he had console lights, we would see only the idle loop patterns.

- If he were any brighter he'd be in the visible spectrum.

- If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.

- If her brains were put in a hummingbird, it would fly backwards.

- If his brain were a hard drive, it would back up on a single floppy.

- If his brains were money, he'd still be in debt.

- If his IQ was two points higher he'd be a rock.

- If ignorance were bliss, she'd be orgasmic.

- If it's not in his horoscope/tea leaves, he doesn't take it seriously.

- If she had a disk we could upgrade her with DOS 3.0.

- If she was any dumber, she'd be a green plant.

- If stupidity were a crime, he'd be number one on the Most Wanted list.

- If the government ever declared war on stupidity, he'd get nuked.

- If there were a merciful God he'd be dead by now.

- If they each had half a brain, they'd still only have half a brain.

- If they knock heads, implosion will suck all the air out of the room.

- If what you don't know can't hurt you, she's practically invulnerable.

- If you called him a wit, you'd be half right.

- If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you get change back.

- If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.

- Ignorant, and proud of it.

- Immune from any serious head injury.

- Immune to caffeine and all other stimulants.

- In a tub of Preparation H, he'd shrink down to thumb size.

- In his optimum environment, he'd be locked in a life and death struggle with mushrooms.

- In line for brains, thought they said pains, and said:

- No, thanks.

• In line for brains, thought they said were handing out milkshakes, and he asked for "extra thick."
• In need of a ROM upgrade.
• In serious need of attitude adjustment.
• In the shopping mall of the mind, he's in the toy store.
• In touch with her higher power, but out of touch with the rest of us.
• Includes a "thank you" note with her tax returns.
• Infinite space between her ears.
• Informationally deprived.
• Inhabits her own private timezone.
• Inspected by #13.
• Inspired the slogan, "A mind is a terrible thing to waste."
• Intellectually/synaptically challenged.
• Invented a pencil with an eraser on each end.
• Invented a submarine with a screen door.
• IQ = dx / (1 + dx), where x = age.
• Q lower than a snake's belly in a wagon-rut.
• It's hard to believe he beat 100,000 other sperm.
• Just another flash in the bedpan.
• Keeps his imagination on a long leash.
• Knitting with only one needle.
• Knows his sports, but his understanding is limited to violence.
• Landing with his gear/brain up and locked.
• Leaky sunroof.
• Left hand threaded.
• Left his booster on the launch pad.
• Left the store without all of his groceries.
• Leveled off before reaching altitude.
• Life by Norman Rockwell, but screenplay by Stephen King.
• Lightbulb over his head is burned out.
• Lights are on but nobody's home.

• Lights not burning too bright.
• Like a barometer -- vacuum at the top.
• Like a loose-leaf folder in winter.
• Like a one-armed man climbing a rope.
• Likes dunking for french fries.
• Little red choo-choo's gone chugging 'round the bend / jumped the track.
• Lives in La-la-land.
• Lives in the same world, but a different universe.
• Living proof that nature does not abhor a vacuum.
• Long on dry wall, short on studs.
• Looking for a nickel in the corner of a circular room.
• Looks for the "Any" key.
• Loose chip on the microprocessor board.
• Loose wire to his headset/ringer.
• Low on thinking gas.
• Low-bandwidth as an information source.
• Lugnuts rattling in the hubcaps.
• Made a career out of mid-life crisis.
• Mainspring's wound too tight.
• Makes a black hole look bright.
• Makes predictions that make weathermen/economists look good.
• Memorized every Dr. Seuss story written.
• Mental software is Version 1.0 / still in beta test.
• Mentally qualified for handicapped parking.
• Metronome needs oil.
• Might still be a virgin except for what nature did to her mind.
• Mind like a steel sieve.
• Mind like a steel trap -- everything gets mangled / full of mice / nothing in, nothing out / rusted shut.
• Missing a few buttons on his remote control.
• Missing a few catalog cards / gears / marbles.

• Missing a layer of insulation in his attic.
• Monorail doesn't go all the way to Tomorrowland.
• Mooring lines don't reach the dock.
• More marbles in a spray-paint can than brains in his head.
• Mouth is in gear, brain is in neutral.
• Moves his lips to pretend he's reading.
• Must have ignored a knock-down pitch.
• Nearly on a higher plane, but lost his boarding pass.
• Needs another brain to make half-wit.
• Needs both hands to wipe his behind.
• Needs front end alignment.
• Needs his disk checked/reformatted.
• Needs his sleeves lengthened by a couple of feet so they can be tied in the back.
• Network constantly loses packets.
• Neurons are firing non-sequentially.
• Never had a headcold in her life since diseases can't exist in a vacuum.
• Next-day delivery in a nanosecond world. -- Van Jacobson
• Nice house but not much furniture / nobody lives there.
• Nine pence in the shilling.
• Nine rooms no furniture.
• Nineteen cents short of a paradigm.
• No charge in her synapses.
• No coins in the old fountain.
• No filter in the coffeemaker.
• No grain in the silo.
• No hands on the rudder/yoke.
• No hay in the loft.
• No one at the throttle.
• No wind in her mind's windmills.
• Not all his dogs are barking.

• Not an idiot, but plays one in his life.
• Not as dumb as he looks, but that would be impossible.
• Not digging in the same ditch with the rest of us.
• Not done evolving yet.
• Not enough brain cells for the Prozac to be effective.
• Not enough brains to get anywhere NEAR the gutter.
• Not enough change to break a dollar/pound/deutschmark/yen.
• Not enough sense to come in out of the rain.
• Not enough sense to stay out in the rain. (Like a 60's flower child.)
• Not firing on all four/six/eight cylinders.
• Not firmly seated in the socket / screwed in tight.
• Not hard-docked.
• Not inflated to 90 PSI.
• Not Intel Inside. (Or, given Pentium problems, just: Intel inside.)
• Not much to show for four billion years of evolution.
• Not only rude, but ugly too.
• Not playing with / dealing from a full deck (-- not even in the game).
• Not running on full thrusters.
• Not shooting pool on a level table.
• Not the brightest bulb on the Christmas tree / light in the harbor.
• Not the full quid.
• Not the same since they took him off his medication.
• Not the sharpest knife in the drawer / tool in the shed.
• Not Turing equivalent.
• Not wrapped too tight.
• Nothing between the stethoscopes.
• Nothing on her radar.
• Numb as a post / pounded thumb.
• Number 'n a hake. (New England expression a notoriously stupid fish.)
• Nutty as a fruitcake.