There was once was a blonde woman who had just bought a house.
She called it Harrybutt.
She had a child and named in Crack.
She lost Crack and couldn't find him.
So she called the police and said:
- I looked all over my Harrybutt and couldn't find my crack!
"Looking back over the years that we've been together, I can't help but wonder:............. What was I thinking?"
"Congratulations on your wedding day!............. Too bad no one likes your wife."
"How could two people as beautiful you............ have such an ugly baby?"
"I've always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love......... After having met you, I've changed my mind."
"I must admit, you brought Religion in my life........... I never believed in Hell until I met you."
"As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am....... that you're not here to ruin it for me."
"As you grow older, Mum, I think of all the gifts you've given me. Like the need for therapy..."
"Thanks for being a part of my life!!!.......... I never knew what evil was before this!"
"Before you go,......... I would like you to take this knife out of my back. You'll probably need it again."
"Someday I hope to get married............ but not to you."
"You look great for your age....... Almost Lifelike!"
"When we were together, you always said you'd die for me......... Now that we've broken up, I think it's time you kept your promise."
"I knew the day would come when you would leave me for my best friend....... So here's his leash, water bowl and chew toys."
"We have been friends for a very long time........... What do you say we call it quits?"
"I'm so miserable without you.................. It's almost like you're here."
"Congratulations on your new bundle of joy............... Did you ever find out who the father was?"
"You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship and there was only one life jacket.... I'd miss you heaps and think of you often."
"Your friends and I wanted to do something special for your birthday--------- So we're having you put to sleep."
What goes blonde, brunette, blonde, brunette, blonde, brunette?
→ A blonde doing cartwheels!
Ninety-four-year-old Mrs. Hatcher showed up at her lawyer's office one Monday morning.
- I want you to begin divorce proceedings - she announced.
The lawyer was aghast. When he regained his composure, he said:
- Mrs. Hatcher, you and your husband have been married for over seventy years. What in the world could have happened to make you want to get divorced at this stage in your life?
Mrs. Hatcher looked him squarely in the eye. She cleared her throat and said:
- We wanted to wait until all the children were dead.
A bunch of blondes walk into a restaurant celebrating and chanting:
- 28 days, 28 days, it only took us 28 days!!
Everyone was wondering what took them 28 days and why they were celebrating. Finally, when the blondes were about to leave, a waitor goes up and asks:
- What took you 28 days, why are you celebrating??
All the blondes say:
- We just finished a puzzle in 28 days and on the box it said 3-6 years!!!
How can you tell if a blonde is a good cook?
→ She gets the pop tarts out of the toaster in one piece.
What did the blonde say when she saw the sign in front of the YMCA?
→ "Look! They spelled MACY's wrong!"
Why did the blonde drive into the ditch?
→ Her blinker was on.
What do you call a blond skeleton in a clothes closet?
→ The 1960 hide-and-go-seek champion.
How did the blonde hurt herself while raking the leaves?
→ She fell out of the tree
How do you get a twinkle in a blonde's eye?
→ Shine a flashlight in her ear.
Why did God give every blonde two more brain cells than a cow?
→ So they don't moo-moo when you pull on their tits.
How do blonde brain cells die?
→ Alone.
A short guide to comparative religions:
Taoism : Shit Happens.
Buddhism : If shit happens it's not really shit.
Islam : If shit happens it is the will of Allah
Protestantism : Shit happens because you don't work hard enough.
Judaism : Why does this shit always happen to us?
Hinduism : This shit happened before.
Catholicism : Shit happens cuz you are bad.
Hare Krishna : Shit happens rama rama.
T.V. evangelism : Send more shit.
Atheism : NO shit!
Jehovah's witness : Knock Knock Shit happens.
Hedonism : There's nothing like a good shit happening.
Christian Science : Shit happens in your mind.
Agnosticism: Maybe shit happens, maybe it doesn't.
Existentialism : What is shit anyway?
Stoicism : This shit doesn't bother me.
Rastafarianinsm : Let's smoke this shit.
An Israeli doctor said:
- Medicine in my country is so advanced, we can take a kidney out of one person, put it in another and have him looking for work in six weeks.
A German doctor said:
- That's nothing! In Germany, we can take a lung out of one person, put it in another and have him looking for work in four weeks.
A Russian doctor said:
- In my country, medicine is so advanced, we can take half a heart from one person, put it in another and have them both looking for work in two weeks.
The American doctor, not to be outdone, said:
- Hah! We are about to take an asshole out of Texas, put him in the White House and half the country will be looking for work the next day.
All the things my mother taught me:
- My mom taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE - "If you're going to kill each other, do it outside - I just finished cleaning!"
- My mother taught me RELIGION - "You better pray that will come out of the carpet."
- My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL: "If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"
- My mother taught me LOGIC: "Because I said so, that's why."
- My mother taught me FORESIGHT - "Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."
- My mother taught me IRONY - "Keep laughing and I'll give you something to cry out."
- My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS - "Shut your mouth and eat your supper!"
- My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM - "Will you look at the dirt on the back of your neck!"
- My mother taught me about STAMINA - "You'll sit there 'til all that spinach is finished."
- My mother taught me about WEATHER - "It looks as if a tornado swept through your room."
- My mother taught me how to solve PHYSICS PROBLEMS - "If I yelled because I saw a meteor coming toward you; would you listen then?"
- My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY - "If I've told you once, I've told you a million times - don't exaggerate!!!"
- My mother taught me THE CIRCLE OF LIFE - "I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."
- My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION - "Stop acting like your father!"
- My mother taught me about ENVY - "There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do!"
