Most commented jokes

48 Phrases you wish you could say at work!

1. Ahhh... I see the fuck-up fairy has visited us again...
2. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.
3. How about never? Is never good for you?
4. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
5. I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me.
6. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.
7. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message...
8. I don't work here. I'm a consultant.
9. It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word you're saying.
10. I can see your point, but I still think you're full of shit.
11. I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.
12. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
13. I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't give a damn.
14. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
15. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
16. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.
17. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.
18. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
19. What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?
20. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.
21. It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.
22. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.
23. No, my powers can only be used for good.
24. You sound reasonable... Time to up the medication.
25. Who me? I just wander from room to room
26. And your crybaby whiny-butt opinion would be...?
27. Do I look like a people person?
28. This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.
29. I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.
30. You!... Off my planet!
31. Does your train of thought have a caboose?
32. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
33. A PBS mind in an MTV world.
34. Allow me to introduce my selves.
35. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
36. Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.
37. Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.
38. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
39. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.
40. Stress is when you wake up screaming & you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.
41. Can I trade this job for what's behind door 1?
42. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
43. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
44. Chaos, panic, & disorder - my work here is done.
45. How do I set a laser printer to stun?
46. I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted the paychecks.
47. If I throw a stick, will you leave?
48. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.

A young couple got married and left on their honeymoon.

When they got back, the bride immediately called her mother.

- Well, how was the honeymoon? - asked the mother.

- Oh mamma! - she exclaimed.

- The honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic!

No sooner had she spoken the words than she burst out crying.

- But mamma . . . as soon as we returned, Sam started using the most horrible language. He's been saying things I've never heard before! All these awful 4-letter words! You've got to come get me and take me home... please mamma!

- Now Sarah . . . - her mother answered.

- Calm down! Tell me, what could be so awful? What 4-letter words has he been using?

- Please don't make me tell you, mamma - wept the daughter.

- I'm so embarrassed! They're just too awful! You've got to come get me and take me home... please mamma!

- Darling, baby, you must tell me what has you so upset . . . Tell your mother these horrible 4-letter words!

Still sobbing, the bride replied:

- Oh, mamma . . . words like dust, wash, iron, and cook!

Rules For Work: (Should go over well with your boss.)

Print it out and hang it over your work station...

I dare ya!

1. Never give me work in the morning. Always wait until 4:00 and then bring it to me. The challenge of a deadline is refreshing.
2. If it's really a rush job, run in and interrupt me every 10 minutes to inquire how it's going. That helps. Even better, hover behind me, and advise me at every keystroke.
3. Always leave without telling anyone where you're going. It gives me a chance to be creative when someone asks where you are.
4. If my arms are full of papers, boxes, books, or supplies, don't open the door for me. I need to learn how to function as a paraplegic and opening doors with no arms is good training in case I should ever be injured and lose all use of my limbs.
5. If you give me more than one job to do, don't tell me which is priority. I am psychic.
6. Do your best to keep me late. I adore this office and really have nowhere to go or anything to do. I have no life beyond work.
7. If a job I do pleases you, keep it a secret. If that gets out, it could mean a promotion.
8. If you don't like my work, tell everyone. I like my name to be popular in conversations. I was born to be whipped.
9. If you have special instructions for a job, don't write them down. In fact, save them until the job is almost done. No use confusing me with useful information.
10. Never introduce me to the people you're with. I have no right to know anything. In the corporate food chain, I am plankton. When you refer to them later, my shrewd deductions will identify them.
11. Be nice to me only when the job I'm doing for you could really change your life and send you straight to manager's hell.
12. Tell me all your little problems. No one else has any and it's nice to know someone is less fortunate. I especially like the story about having to pay so many taxes on the bonus check you received for being such a good manager.
13. Wait until my yearly review and THEN tell me what my goals SHOULD have been. Give me a mediocre performance rating with a cost of living increase. I'm not here for the money anyway.

- You've come to the annoying realization that your parents were right about almost everything.

- The bag boy volunteers to help load groceries into your car—in the "ten items or less" lane.

- You've stopped supporting your children, and started supporting your parents.

- You've found yourself discussing rain gutters.

- You remember your kid's names, just not always the right one.

- You have nightmares about forgetting to move the garbage cans to the street for the garbage collector.

- Your high school yearbook is now home to three different species of mold.

- You buy "age-defying" makeup and "antiwrinkle" creams and believe they work.

- You've realized that all those geeky people in Bermuda shorts walking around Disney World include you.

- You recognize Led Zeppelin songs that have been turned into elevator Muzak.

- As a public service, you have agreed to never appear on the beach in a Speedo again.

- You've had three opportunities to buy every single Disney Animated Classic—for the last time in a generation.

- You'd pay good money to be strip-searched.

- Wal-Mart and target seem to share your fashion sense.

- The only way you know to stop a virtual pet from beeping involves the patio and a sledgehammer.

- You can pack two suits, Five shirts, five ties, five pairs of underwear, five pairs of socks, a pair of shoes, and half of your bathroom into a carry-on bag—in less than five minutes.

- You know what Earth Shoes are.

- You think if you hear "Stairway to Heaven" one more time your head will explode.

- Your weight-lifting program seems to have no effect on your muscles, but the veins on the backs of your hands are bulking up quite nicely.

- On Saturday night, when your wife mentions "hot oil, a little friction, and squealing," you tell her you'll have the car looked at first thing Monday morning.

Three boys are in the schoolyard bragging about their fathers.

The first boy says:

- My dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, and they give him $50.

The second boy says:

- That's nothing. My dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a song, and they give him $100.

The third boy says:

- I got you both beat. My dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, calls it a sermon, and it takes eight people to collect all the money!

Little Red Riding Hood is skipping down the road when she sees the Big Bad Wolf crouched down behind a log.

- My, what big eyes you have, Mr. Wolf - says Little Red Riding Hood.

The surprised wolf jumps up and runs away!

Further down the road, Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again-this time he is crouched behind a tree stump.

- My what big ears you have Mr. Wolf - says Little Red Riding Hood.

Again the foiled wolf jumps up and runs away!

About two miles down the track, Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again, this time crouched down behind a road sign.

- My, what big teeth you have Mr. Wolf - taunts Little Red Riding Hood.

With that, the Big Bad Wolf jumps up and screams:

- Will you get lost? I'm trying to take a shit!

You have just received the "POLISH VIRUS!"

As we don't have any programming experience, this Virus works on the honor system.

Please delete all the files on your hard drive manually and forward this virus to everyone on your mailing list.

Thanks for your cooperation.

Deep within a forest a little turtle began to climb a tree.

After hours of effort he reached the top, jumped into the air waving his front legs and crashed to the ground.

After recovering, he slowly climbed the tree again, jumped, and fell to the ground. The turtle tried again and again while a couple of birds sitting on a branch watched his sad efforts.

Finally, the female bird turned to her mate.

- Dear - she chirped - I think it's time to tell him he's adopted.

A foursome of senior golfers hit the course with waning enthusiasm for the sport.

- These hills are getting steeper as the years go by - one complained.

- These fairways seem to be getting longer too - said one of the others.

- The sand traps seem to be bigger than I remember them too - said the third senior.

After hearing enough from his Senior buddies, the oldest, and the wisest of the four of them at 87 years old, piped up and said:

- Quit your dang complaining and just be thankful we're still on the RIGHT SIDE of the grass!

what did the hurricane say to the coconut tree?
→ Hold on to your nuts, this ain't no ordinary blow-job...

Did you hear about the queer burglar?
→ He couldn't blow the safe do he went down on the elevator...

Why is it so groovy to be a test tube baby?
→ Because you get a womb with a view...

Why are eggs so frusterated?
→ Because they only get laid once, they only get eaten once, and you've gotta boil them to get them hard...

Where do you get virgin wool?
→ From ugly sheep...

What did Adam say to Eve?
→ Stand back, I don't know how big this thing gets...

Did you hear about the deaf gynecoligist?
→ He had to learn how to read ilps...

Why are chickens so ugly?
→ You'd be ugly too if you had a pecker hanging out your forehead...

Why do hummingbirds hum?
→ Cause they dont know the words...

Where are an elephant's sex organs?
→ In his feet- if he steps on you you're fucked...

How do you tell if a woman is wearing pantyhose?
→ If she farts, her ankles will swell...

What's the ulitmate rejection?
→ When you're masturbating and your hand falls asleep...

How do you know when an elephant's been fucking in your garage?
→ Your Hefty bags are missing...