Most commented jokes

A petty thief, a teacher and a lawyer die and go to heaven.

When they get there they are stopped by St. Peter, who then says:

- Sorry, heaven's crowding up, so you need to answer a question correctly, or else you can't get in.

He looks at the teacher, and asks her:

- What was the name of the famous ocean-liner that sank after hitting an iceberg?

- Oh, that's easy - the teacher replied - the Titanic.

So St. Peter let her into heaven.

Next he turned to the petty thief:

- How many people died on that ship? - St. Peter asked.

- Oooh, that's tough, but I saw the movie, and it was 1,500. St. Peter stepped away and the thief walked into heaven.

Finally, St. Peter turned to the lawyer.

He simply said to him:

- Name them.

Your so old you have to put your d*ck in the freezer to get it hard.

Top 17 fatal things to say if your wife is pregnant

17. "I finished the Oreos."
18. "Not to imply anything, but I don't think the kid weighs 40 pounds."
19. "Y'know, looking at her, you'd never guess that Pamela Lee had a baby..!!"
20. "I sure hope your thighs aren't gonna stay that flabby forever!"
21. "Well, couldn't they induce labor? The 25th is the Super Bowl!"
22. "Darned if you ain't about five pounds away from a surprise visit from that Richard Simmons fella."
23. "Fred at the office passed a stone the size of a pea. Boy, that's gotta hurt."
24. "Whoa! For a minute there, I thought I woke up next to Willard Scott!"
25. "I'm jealous! Why can't men experience the joy of childbirth?"
26. "Are your ankles supposed to look like that?"
27. "Get your own ice cream."
28. "Geez, you're awfully puffy looking today."
29. "Got milk ?"
30. "Maybe we should name the baby after my secretary, Tawney."
31. "Man! That rose tattoo on your hip is the size of Madagascar!"
32. "Retaining water? Yeah, like the Hoover Dam retains water..."

And the Number 1 Fatal Thing To Say If Your Wife Is Pregnant:

1. "You don't have the guts to pull that trigger..."

It's a sunny morning in the Big Forest, and the Bear family is just waking up.

Baby Bear goes downstairs and sits in his small chair at the table.

He looks into his small bowl. It is empty!

- Who's been eating my porridge - he squeaks?

Daddy Bear arrives at the table and sits in his big chair.

He looks into his big bowl, and it is also empty!

- Who's been eating my porridge! - he roars?

Momma Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and yells:

- For Pete's sake, how many times do we have to go through this?

- It was 'Momma Bear' who got up first.

- It was 'Momma Bear' who woke everybody else in the house up.

- It was 'Momma Bear' who made the Coffee.

- It was 'Momma Bear' who unloaded the dishwasher from last night, and put everything away.

- It was 'Momma Bear' who went out into the cold early morning air to fetch the newspaper.

- It was 'Momma Bear' who set the table.

- It was 'Momma Bear' who put the cat out, cleaned the litter box and filled the cat's water & food dish.

- And, now that you've decided to come downstairs and grace 'Momma Bear' with your presence, ...listen good, 'cause I'm only going to say this one time...

- I haven't made the @!#$%^&* Porridge, yet!!

A man wakes up in a hospital bed after a terrible accident and cries:

- DOC, DOC... I can't feel my legs, I can't feel my legs!!!

- Well of course you can't silly! - replies the Doc...

- I've cut off both of your arms.

The Rabbi rose with a red face...

- Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the K.K.K. This is a horrible lie and one which a Jewish community cannot tolerate! I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who did this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and our Jewish community.

No one moved.

The Rabbi continued:

- Do you not have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel relief. Now stand and confess your transgression!

Again all was quiet. Slowly a "drop dead" gorgeous blonde with a body that would not stop rose in the third pew. Her head was bowed, and her voice quivered as she spoke:

- Rabbi, there has been a terrible misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of the Klu Klux Klan... I just told a couple of friends that you were a wizard under the sheets.

A blonde walks into the library. She walks up to the counter, SLAMS a book down and screams at the librarian:

- This is the WORST book I've ever read!

- It has NO plot and far too many characters!

The librarian looks up and calmly remarks:

- So, you're the one who took our phone book...

In the Ohio State Buckeyes locker room in Columbus, there's a sign stating:

- Play like champions today!

There's also one in the Michigan Wolverines locker room that says:

- Don't forget your HELMET!

Two college students, Frank and Matt, are riding on a New York City subway when a beggar approaches them asking for spare change.

Frank adamantly rejects the man in disgust.

Matt, on the other hand, whips out his wallet, pulls out a couples of dollar bills and gladly hands them over to the beggar with a smile.

The beggar thanks him kindly and then continues on to the other passengers.

Frank is outraged by his friend's act of generosity.

- What on earth did you do that for? - shouts Frank.

- You know he's only going to use it on drugs or booze!!!

Matt replies:

- What...and we weren't?

25. MY PLAN TO FIND THE REAL KILLERS - by O J Simpson
26. THE ENGINEER'S GUIDE TO FASHION
27. TO ALL THE MEN I'VE LOVED BEFORE - by Ellen DeGeneres
28. THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN REALITY AND DILBERT
29. HUMAN RIGHTS ADVANCES IN CHINA
30. THINGS I WOULD NOT DO FOR MONEY - by Dennis Rodman
31. THE WILD YEARS - by Al Gore
32. AMELIA EARHART'S GUIDE TO THE PACIFIC OCEAN
33. AMERICA'S MOST POPULAR LAWYERS
34. CAREER OPPORTUNITIES FOR LIBERAL ARTS MAJORS
35. DETROIT - A TRAVEL GUIDE
36. DIFFERENT WAYS TO SPELL BOB
37. DR. KEVORKIAN'S COLLECTION OF MOTIVATIONAL SPEECHES
38. EASY UNIX
39. ETHIOPIAN TIPS ON WORLD DOMINANCE AND AGRICULTURE
40. EVERYTHING MEN KNOW ABOUT WOMEN
41. EVERYTHING WOMEN KNOW ABOUT MEN
42. FRENCH HOSPITALITY
43. GEORGE FOREMAN'S BIG BOOK OF BABY NAMES
44. HOW TO SUSTAIN A MUSICAL CAREER - by Art Garfunkel
45. MIKE TYSON'S GUIDE TO DATING ETIQUETTE
46. SPOTTED OWL RECIPES - by the EPA
47. STAPLE YOUR WAY TO SUCCESS
48. THE AMISH PHONE DIRECTORY

And the Number one World's Shortest book:......

1. HOW TO OVERCOME TEMPTATION by Bill Clinton