Most commented jokes

Two very elderly ladies were enjoying the sunshine on a park bench in Miami.

They had been meeting in that park every sunny day, for over 12 years, chatting and enjoying each others friendship.

One day, the younger of the two ladies, turns to the other and says:

- Please don't be angry with me dear, but I am embarrassed. After all these years, what is your name? I am trying to remember, but I just can't.

The older friend stares at her, looking very distressed, says nothing for two full minutes, and finally with tearful eyes, says:

- How soon do you have to know?

Two bowling teams, one of all Blondes and one of all Brunettes, charter a double-decker bus for a weekend bowling tournament in Atlantic City.

The Brunette team rides in the bottom of the bus.

The Blonde team rides on the top level.

The Brunette team down below is whooping it up having a great time, when one of them realizes she doesn't hear anything from the Blondes upstairs.

She decides to go up and investigate. When the Brunette reaches the top, she finds all the Blondes frozen in fear, staring straight-ahead at the road, and clutching the seats in front of them with white knuckles.

The Brunette asks:

- What the heck's goin' on up here? We're havin' a grand time downstairs!

One of the Blondes from the second team looks up and says:

- Yeah, but you've got a driver!

A guy goes in to apply at the U.S. Postal Service for a job.

During the interview, the interviewer asks the guy if he is a veteran. The guy says:

- Yes, I fought over in Vietnam.

Then the interviewer asks if the guy has any disabilities.

The guy responds:

- Well, I stepped on a land mine over there and blew my testicles off.

- Great!, - responds the interviewer... we give disabled Vet preference.

- You can start tomorrow morning at 10 a.m.

- But doesn't everyone normally start at 8 a.m.? - asks the guy.

- Yes, but you don't have to come in until 10...

All we do is just stand around and scratch our balls for the first two hours anyway!

Have you heard about the new low-fat communion bread?

It's called "I Can't Believe It's Not Jesus"!

A government employee found an old brass lamp in a filing cabinet. When he dusted it off, a genie appeared and granted him three wishes.

- I'd love an ice-cold beer right now - he told the genie.

Poof! A beer appeared.

Next the man said:

- I wish to be on an island, surrounded by beautiful and willing women.

Poof! He was on an island with gorgeous women fawning all over him.

Oh, man this is the life, the guy thought.

- I wish I never had to work again.

And poof!...

He was back at his desk in the government office!

While attending a convention, three psychiatrists take a walk.

- People are always coming to us with their guilt and fears - one says - but we have no one to go to with our own problems.

- Since we're all professionals - another suggests - why don't we hear each other out right now?

They agreed this is a good idea. The first psychiatrist confesses:

- I'm a compulsive shopper and deeply in debt, so I usually overbill my patients as often as I can.

The second admits:

- I have a drug problem that's out of control, and I frequently pressure my patients into buying illegal drugs for me.

The third psychiatrist says:

- I know it's wrong, but no matter how hard I try, I just can't keep a secret.

A merchant captain and several of his officers were returning to the ship after an evening of partying ashore.

As they climbed the gangway, the captain threw up all over himself. Pointing to an apprentice seaman above him he shouted:

- Give that man five days in the brig for vomiting!

The following morning the captain was checking the log and saw that the young seaman had been sentenced to ten days and asked the chief mate why.

- Well Sir, when we got you undressed we found that he'd also took a dump in your pants.

At a celebrity party, Stevie Wonder meets golf champ Tiger Woods and mentions that he, too, is an excellent golfer.

Tiger is a bit skeptical that the blind musician can play golf well, but he's too polite to say anything.

- When I tee off - the singer explains - I have a guy call to me from the green. My sharp sense of hearing lets me aim.

Tiger is impressed, and Stevie suggests that they play a round. When Tiger agrees, Stevie asks:

- How about if we play for $100,000?

Tiger insists he couldn't possibly play him for money because of his sight handicap.

But Stevie argues and badgers Tiger until Tiger finally relents and says:

- OK, it's your money... when do you want to play?

Stevie replies:

- I'll play on any NIGHT you choose!

One day in the Garden of Eden, Eve calls out to God:

- Lord, I have a problem!

- What's the problem, Eve?

- Lord, I know you created me and provided this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals and that hilarious comedic snake, but I'm just not happy.

- Why is that, Eve? - came the reply from above.

- Lord, I am lonely, and I'm sick to death of apples.

- Well Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man for you.

- What's a man, Lord?

- Man will be a flawed creature, with many bad traits. He'll lie, cheat and be vainglorious; all in all, he'll give you a hard time.

But... he'll be bigger, faster, and will like to hunt and kill things. He will look silly when he's aroused, but since you've been complaining, I'll create him in such a way that he will satisfy your physical needs.

He will be witless and will revel in childish things like fighting and kicking a ball about. He won't be too smart, so he'll also need your advice to think properly.

- Sounds great! - says Eve, with an ironically raised eyebrow.

- What's the catch, Lord?

- Well... you can have him on one condition.

- What's that, Lord?

- As I said, he'll be proud, arrogant, and self-admiring...

So you'll have to let him believe that I made him first.

Just remember, it's our little secret...

You know, woman to woman.

A local preacher was dissatisfied with the small amount in the collection plates each Sunday. Someone suggested to him that perhaps he might be able to hypnotize the congregation into giving more.

- And just how would I go about doing that? - he asked.

- It is very simple. First you turn off the air conditioner so that the auditorium is warmer than usual. Then you preach in a monotone voice. Meanwhile, you dangle a watch on a chain and swing it in a slow arc above the lectern and suggest they put 20 dollars in the collection plate.

So the very next Sunday, the reverend did as suggested, and lo and behold, the plates were full of 20 dollar bills! Now, the preacher did not want to take advantage of this technique each and every Sunday. So therefore, he waited for a couple of weeks and then tried his mass hypnosis again.

Just as the last of the congregation was becoming mesmerized, the chain on the watch broke and the watch hit the lectern with a loud thud and springs and parts flew everywhere.

- Crap! - exclaimed the pastor.

It took them a week to clean up the church.