Most commented jokes

If ya really want that new job, you may want to avoid saying these:

- You could do worse.

- I'll work so hard you won't even know I'm there.

- I'll need all my paid vacation time up front so I'll be rested when I start.

- You can't turn me down because I smell bad. You have to have a reason.

- If you call the people I listed as references, please call my parole officer last.

- That big thing growing on my face isn't my fault.

- I don't do drugs at work any more. And I probably won't

- I can go all day without peeing once.

- If you hired my dumbass brother then you can surely hire me.

- If you hire me I promise not to say anything about the your wicked bad breath.

- I won't sue you when you fire me.

- My arrest record is all a bunch of lies.

- Iff you kin reed my handriting, ain't that gud enuff fer me to get the job?

- I was a sniper in the Army.

- The only reason my grades in High School was so bad was because all the teachers thought I was stupid because I didn't pass the tests. They wasn't being fair to me because they don't like me.

- I can make explosives from Windex, white-out, and copy machine toner.

- If you hire me you can blow your nose on my sleeve any time you want to.

- I'll need a company car and a driver because I can't legally drive anywhere in the Western Hemisphere except Cuba and it sucks to go there.

- If you hire me don't tell the Welfare until I get my Jeep paid off.

- The sticky stuff on my sleeve isn't what you think.

- You don't have the BALLS to hire someone like me!

- If you hire me I will show up. That's all I can promise for sure, but maybe it will be better than that and I will sure try.

- When do we eat?

- How long do I have to work here before I can collect unemployment again?

- Don't go checking into my record, but if you do, she swore she was 18.

- I don't hear the voices anymore. Do not. Do not. Do not. SHUT UP!!!

- If you give me a job you're OK but if you don't you suck.

- I don't DO applications.

- If I work here I'll wear the stupid uniform as long as I can wear any kind of underwear I want.

- This will be my first job since the Beatles broke up because they really pissed me off!

- I won't have to do anything, will I

- If I get sick on the job, will I have to clean up my own puke?

- Can I bring my goat to the company daycare center?

- I collect guns. You probably want to tell me that I got the job now, right?

- I'm not what? Oh yeah? Well here's what you can do with your friggin' job...

What do you call children who are raised in those naughty houses of ill-repute?
→ Brothel Sprouts!

We all know those cute little computer symbols called "emoticons," where :) means a smile and :( is a frown. Sometimes these are represented by :o) and :o( respectively. Well, how about some "assicons"?

Here's a few:

- (_!_) a regular ass

- (__!__) a fat ass

- (!) a tight ass

- (_^^_) a bubble ass

- (_*_) a sore ass

• {_!_} a swishy ass

- (o) an ass that's been around

- (x) kiss my ass

- (X) leave my ass alone

- (zzz) a tired ass

- (o^^o) a wise ass

- (E=mc2) a smart ass

- (_$_) Money coming out of his ass

- (_?_) Dumb Ass

Why did God give Mexicans a nose?
→ So they'd have something to pick in the off season!

A guy joins a monastery and takes a vow of silence. He's allowed to say only two words every 7 years.

After the first 7 years, the elders bring him in and ask him for his 2 words.

- Cold floors - he says. They nod and send him away. 7 more years pass and they bring him in for his 2 words. He clears his throat and says:

- Bad food. They nod and send him away. 7 more years pass and they bring him in for his 2 words.

- I quit - he says.

- That's not surprising - the elders say... - You've done nothing but complain since you've been here!

If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?

If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex?

If white wine goes with fish, do white grapes go with sushi?

If you ate pasta and antipasta, would you still be hungry?

If you can't drink and drive, why do bars have parking lots?

If you jog backwards, will you gain weight?

If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?

If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?

Since Americans throw rice at weddings, do Asians throw hamburgers?

Was the pole vault accidentally discovered by a clumsy javelin thrower?

What do people in China call their good plates?

What do you call a bedroom with no bed in it?

What do you call a male ladybug?

What do you say if you're talking to God, and he sneezes?

What happens to an 18 hour bra after 18 hours?

What if you're in hell, and you're mad at someone, where do you tell them to go?

Hercules, Snow White and Quasemoto were sitting at a table talking. Hercules says:

- I think I'm the strongest man in the world but it hasn't been proven yet.

Snow White says:

- I think I'm the fairest lady in the land but it hasn't been proven yet.

Quasie says:

- I think I'm the ugliest, meanest son of a gun in the world but it hasn't been proven yet.

The next day Hercules and Snow White are sitting at the table and Hercules says:

- It's true I'm the strongest man in the world for God told me so.

Snow White says:

- It's true I'm the fairest lady in the land for God told me so.

Just then, Quasie started walking up the road really steamed and says:

- Guys can you do me a favor? Tell me who the heck is Janet Reno?

Have you ever seen an asshole wrapped in plastic?
→ Just look at your drivers license!

What is a "free" gift? Aren't all gifts free?

What makes cheese so confidential that we actually need cheese shredders?

Whatever happened to preparations A through G?

When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?

When cows laugh, does milk come out of their noses?

When they first invented the clock, how did they know what time it was to set it to?

Where are the germs that cause "good" breath?

Where do they get Spring water in the other 3 seasons?

Why are all blackboards called that when some of them are green?

Why are hemorrhoids called "hemorrhoids" instead of "asteroids"?

Why are they called "stands" when they're made for sitting?

Why aren't there ever any guilty bystanders?

Why do ballet dancers dance on their toes? Why doesn't the company just hire taller dancers?

Why do people tell you when they are speechless?

Why do they give you a tape with a VCR to tell you how to use it?

Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of the drive-up ATM?

Why do we need training bras? What can we teach them?

This crazy guy walks into an insane asylum wearing nothing but plastic wrap as shorts.

The doctor walks in and tells him:

- I can clearly see your nuts!