Most commented jokes

A brunette walks over to her Blonde friends home and finds her crying. "What happened...why are you crying?"

The Blonde tells her that her mother has passed away.

The neighbor makes her some coffee, comforts her and then leaves.

The next day the neighbor goes back over to the house and finds the blonde crying again.

Once again, she asks her why she was crying?

This time the blonde replies hysterically... "I just got off of the phone with my sister, her mother died too!"

The top 10 inventions by Blondes:

1. The water-proof towel
2. Solar powered flashlight
3. Submarine screen door
4. A book on how to read
5. Inflatable dart board
6. A dictionary index
7. Ejector seat in a helicopter
8. Powdered water
9. Pedal-powered wheel chair
10. Water-proof tea bag

A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.

After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted:

- Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!

The shopkeeper said:

- By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll luck out and catch yourself a big one!

Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator.

Later in the day, the shopkeeper is driving home, when he spots the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he sees a huge 9 foot alligator swimming quickly toward her.

She takes aim, kills the creature and with a great deal of effort hauls it on to the swamp bank. Laying nearby were several more of the dead creatures.

The shopkeeper watches in amazement. Just then the blonde flips the alligator on it's back, and frustrated, shouts out:

- Damn it, this one isn't wearing any shoes either!!!

A Blonde walks into a Restaraunt, and she goes straight to the bulletin board in the back. She looks at the bulletin board and sees a piece of paper that sais "Ocean Cruise Only 5$".

She pulls the piece of paper off the wall and goes to the address listed on the back of paper. She walks into the building and hands the secretary the piece of paper.

The secretary nods and asks if she had the five dollars. The blonde nods and pulls five dollars out of her pocket and hands it to the secretary.

The secretary looks over to a burly black guy reading a news paper. She nods to the black guy. He stands up and knocks the blonde unconcious.

When the blonde wakes up, she's tied to a log and is floating down river. She started to think that this was a bad idea, when all of a sudden she sees one of her friends, (who is also blonde) tied to a log floating right next to her.

The blonde she looks at her freind and says:

- So do you think they're going to serve us some food on this trip?

And the other blonde replies:

- They didn't serve any last year?

Ballad of the Bobbitt Hillbillies! Sung to the tune of the Beverly Hillbillies:

Here's a little story of a man named John
A poor ex-marine with a little fraction gone
It seems one night after gettin' with the wife
She lopped off his schlong with a swipe of a knife
Pecker that is,
Rodeoed, fillet food

Well, the next thing you know there's a ginsu by his side
And Lorena's in the car taking willie for a ride
She soon got tired of her purple headed friend
And tossed him out the window as she rounded the bend
Curve, that is
Pricker shrubs, wheel hubs

She went to the cops and confessed to the attack
And they called out the hounds just to get his weenie back
They sniffed and they barked, then they pointed "over there"
To John Wayne's henry that was wavin' in the air
Found, that is
By a fence, evidence

Now peter and John couldn't stay apart too long
So a d***-doc said:

- Hey, I can fix your d**g!

A needle and a thread's just the thing you're gonna need
Then the world held it's breath till they heard that John peed
Whizzed, that is
Stitched seam, straight stream

Well he healed and he hardened and he took his case to court
With a cock-eyed lawyer (since his assets came up short)
They cleared her of assault and acquitted him of rape
And his pecker was the only one they didn't show on tape
Video, that is,
Unexposed, case closed

A blonde went to the emergency room with the tip of her left index finger blown off.

- How did this happen?

- Well I was trying to commit suicide.

- Trying to commit suicide by shooting your finger?

- No silly! First I put the gun to my chest and I thought, "I just paid $6,000 for these," then I put it in my mouth and I thought, "I just paid $4,000 to get my teeth straightened."

- So then I put the gun in my ear and I thought, "this is going to make a loud noise," so I put my finger in my ear before I pulled the trigger?

A blonde goes to a doctor and tells him that both her ears are burnt.

- Sit down and tell me how it happened.

- Well, I was ironing my clothes when I received a phone call, and instead of picking the phone, I picked up the iron and burnt my ear!

- Okay, I see... But that's one ear - what about the other?

- They called again!!

Ladies...read and heed!

SportsCenter starts at 11:00 PM and runs an hour. This is a great time to pay bills, put laundry in the dryer or talk to your sister.

Two hot dogs and a beer at a baseball game DO, in fact, constitute going out to dinner.

If we see you in the morning and at night, why call us at work? You probably don't want to know what we're thinking about. Silence does not need to be filled with discussions about "us" and "the relationship." We don't know anything about handbags. Don't even ask. We DID water the plants. They died anyway. Nobody knows why this happens. Sports Illustrated is a better magazine than Cosmopolitan. Just accept that. No, you can't have the remote control.

Unless you are willing to follow the careers of Mo Vaughn, Cal Ripken, David Robinson, Michael Jordan, Arnold Schwarzenegger and Chris Farley, don't expect us to know what Helen Gurley Brown, Hilary Clinton, Naomi Wolf or your mother are up to.

Sex on a weeknight is generally welcome. Three hours of post-coital conversation is not.

Check your oil. Foreign films are best left to foreigners. Nothing says "I love you" like sex in the morning. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor. Yes and no are perfectly acceptable answers. Share the closet. Share the bathroom.

Your brother is an idiot. Crying is blackmail. Use it if you must, but don't expect us to like it. You have too many shoes. You have enough clothes. Anything you wear is fine. Really.

Sunday = sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be. Dogs are better than cats. Get rid of your cat. And no, it's not different, its just like every other cat. Don't make us guess. Don't cut your hair. Ever. Learn to work the toilet seat; if it's up, put it down.

21 Slogans To Help Promote Safe Sex

1. Cover your stump before you hump
2. Before you attack her, wrap your whacker
3. Don't be silly, protect your willy
4. When in doubt, shroud your spout
5. Don't be a loner, cover your boner
6. You can't go wrong when you shield your dong
7. If you're not going to sack it, go home & whack it
8. If you think she's spunky cover your money
9. If you slip between her things, be sure to condomize
10. It will be sweeter if you wrap your peter
11. She won't get sick if you wrap your dick
12. If you're going into heat, package your meat
13. When you're undressing your venus dress up your penis
14. When you take off her pants & blouse, slip up your trouser mouse
15. Especially in December, gift wrap your member
16. Never, Never deck her, with an unwrapped pecker
17. Don't be a fool, vulcanize your tool
18. The right selection will protect your erection
19. Wrap it in oil before checking her oil
20. A crank with armor will never harm her
21. NO GLOVE NO LOVE!

Things Not To Say During Sex

Girls shouldn't say:

• You woke me up for that?
• Do you smell something burning?
• Is that a Medic-Alert Pendant?
• Sweetheart, did you lock the back door?
• ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ
• Try not to smear my make-up, will ya!
• Got any penicillin?
• Smile, you're on Candid Camera!
• I want a baby!
• But everybody looks funny naked!
• Did I mention the video camera?
• So much for the fulfillment of sexual fantasies!
• Maybe we should call Dr. Ruth...
• Did you know the ceiling needs painting?
• Did I remember to take my pill?
• That leak better be from the waterbed!
• I told you it wouldn't work without batteries!
• But my cat always sleeps on that pillow..
• Did I tell you my Aunt Martha died in this bed?
• If you quit smoking you might have more endurance...
• You're almost as good as my ex!
• Do you know the definition of statutory rape?
• You look younger than you feel.
• Perhaps you're just out of practice.
• You sweat more than a galloping stallion!
• They're not cracker crumbs, it's just a rash.
• You give me reason to conclude that foreplay is overrated.
• What tampon?
• I have a confession...
• I was so horny tonight I would have taken a duck home!
• Did I mention my transsexual operation?
• Oprah Winfrey had a show about men like you!
• Hic! I need another beer for this please
• I think biting is romantic- don't you?
• When would you like to meet my parents?
• Mabye it would help if I thought about someone I really like?
• Have you seen "Fatal Attraction"?
• Don't mind me.. I always file my nails in bed.
• I hope I didn't forget to turn the gas oven off.
• Do you have a light?
• Don't worry, my dog's really friendly for a Doberman.
• Keep it down, my mother is a light sleeper...
• I'll bet you didn't know I work for "The Enquirer".
• So that's why they call you MR. Flash!
• Please understand that I'm only doing this for a raise...

Guys shouldn't say:

• A little rug burn never hurt anyone! (in the No Tell Motel)
• Hurry up! This room rents by the Hour!
• Can you please pass me the remote control?
• Do you accept Visa?
• On second thought, let's turn off the lights.
• And to think- I was really trying to pick up your friend!
• Hope you're as good looking when I'm sober...
• (holding a banana) It's just a little trick I learned at the zoo!
• Do you get any premium movie channels?
• But I just brushed my teeth...
• I thought you had the keys to the handcuffs!
• I think you have it on backwards.
• When is this supposed to feel good?
• Put that blender back in the kitchen where it belongs!
• You're good enough to do this for a living!
• Is that blood on the headboard?
• Are you sure I don't know you from somewhere?
• I wish we got the Playboy channel...
• No, really... I do this part better myself!
• It's nice being in bed with a woman I don't have to inflate!
• This would be more fun with a few more people...
• That you I smell or is it your mattress stuffed with rotten potatoes?
• Now I know why he dumped you...
• Does your husband own a sawed-off shotgun?
• Have you ever considered liposuction?
• And to think, I didn't even have to buy you dinner!
• What are you planning to make for breakfast?
• Are those real or am I just behind the times?
• Were you by any chance repressed as a child?
• You'll still vote for me, won't you?
• I really hate women who actually think sex means something!
• I'll tell you who I'm fanatasizing about if you tell me who you're fantasizing about...
• A good plastic surgeon can take care of that in no time!
• Does this count as a date?
• You can cook, too right?
• Sorry about the name tags, I'm not very good with names.
• You could at least ACT like you're enjoying it!
• My old girlfriend used to do it a LOT longer!
• Is this a sin too?
• I've slept with more women than Wilt Chamberlain!
• Hey, when is it going to be my friend's turn?
• Long kisses clog my sinuses...
• How long do you plan to be "almost there"?
• You mean you're NOT my blind date?