Most commented jokes

Here's a little bit-a-dis and a little bit-a-dat:How can you tell the Irish guy in the hospital? He's the one blowing the foam off of his bedpan. ===========================Why don't Italians have acne? It slides off. ==========================Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a black baby? They named him Sum Ting Wong! ==========================What do you call an Amish guy with his hand up a horses behind? A Mechanic. =========================What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other? A Speech Impediment! =========================What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at half mast? They're hiring. =========================Why aren't there any Puerto Ricans on Star Trek? Because they're not going to work in the future either. =========================Did you hear about the dyslexic Rabbi? He walks around saying "Yo!" ========================Where does an Irish family go on vacation? A different bar. ========================How many cops does it take to push a black man down the stairs? NONE- "He fell". ========================Q. How do you make a cat drink? A. Put it in a blender, and strain off the fur. ========================Q. Why do Jewish men like to watch porno movies backward? A. They like the part where the hooker gives the money back. ========================Q. What is the first thing a blonde hears in the morning? A. "See ya." ========================Q. Did you hear about the red ship and the blue ship that collided? A. The survivors were marooned. ========================Q: What do Jimmy Hoffa and Linda Tripp have in common? A: Nothing... yet. ========================

We've all been interviewed for jobs. And, we've all spent most of those interviews thinking about what not to do. Don't bite your nails. Don't fidget. Don't interrupt. Don't belch. If we did any of the don'ts, we knew we'd disqualify ourselves instantly. But some job applicants go light years beyond this. We surveyed top personnel executives of 100 major American corporations and asked for stories of unusual behavior by job applicants. The lowlights:1. "... stretched out on the floor to fill out the job application."2. "She wore a Walkman and said she could listen to me and the music at the same time."3. " A balding candidate abruptly excused himself. Returned to office a few minutes later, wearing a hairpiece."4. "... asked to see interviewer's resume to see if the personnel executive was qualified to judge the candidate."5. "... announced she hadn't had lunch and proceeded to eat a hamburger and french fries in the interviewer's office - wiping the ketchup on her sleeve"6. "Stated that, if he were hired, he would demonstrate his loyalty by having the corporate logo tattooed on his forearm."7. "Interrupted to phone his therapist for advice on answering specific interview questions."8. "When I asked him about his hobbies, he stood up and started tap dancing around my office."9 . "At the end of the interview, while I stood there dumbstruck, went through my purse, took out a brush, brushed his hair, and left."10. "... pulled out a Polaroid camera and snapped a flash picture of me. Said he collected photos of everyone who interviewed him."11. "Said he wasn't interested because the position paid too much."12. "While I was on a long-distance phone call, the applicant took out a copy of Penthouse, and looked through the photos only, stopping longest at the centerfold."13. "During the interview, an alarm clock went off from the candidate's brief case. He took it out, shut it off, apologized and said he had to leave for another interview."14. "A telephone call came in for the job applicant. It was from his wife. His side of the conversation went like this: "Which company? When do I start? What's the salary?

"I said, "I assume you're not interested in conducting the interview any further." He promptly responded, "I am as long as you'll pay me more.15. "His attache [case] opened when he picked it up and the contents spilled, revealing ladies' undergarments and assorted makeup and perfume."16. "Candidate said he really didn't want to get a job, but the unemployment office needed proof that he was looking for one."17. "... asked who the lovely babe was, pointing to the picture on my desk. When I said it was my wife, he asked if she was home now and wanted my phone number. I called security."18. "Pointing to a black case he carried into my office, he said that if he was not hired, the bomb would go off. Disbelieving, I began to state why he would never be hired and that I was going to call the police. He then reached down to the case, flipped a switch and ran. No one was injured, but I did need to get a new desk."

How many men does it take to open a beer? None. It should be opened by the time she brings it to the couch.

How many men does it take to change a light bulb? None. Let the wife cook in the dark.

A man rushes into his house and yells to his wife:

- Martha, pack up your things! I just won the California lottery!

- Shall I pack for warm weather or cold? - Martha replies.

- I don't care. Just so long as you're out of the house by noon! - the man responds.

I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months - I don't like to interrupt her.

A man without a woman is like a fish without a bicycle.

Why do men like air-headed women? Opposites attract.

If your wife and a lawyer were drowning and you had to choose, would you go to lunch or to a movie?

Most accidents happen at home. And the men have to eat them!

How do you blind a woman? Put a windshield in front of her face.

How many men does it take to mop a floor? None. It's a woman's job.

A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished.

Don't be sexist. Broads hate that!

Why can't Helen Keller drive? She's a woman!

How many women does it take to paint a wall? It depends on how hard you throw them.

Why did the woman cross the road? Who cares! What was she doing out of the kitchen or the bedroom ???

What do you do if your dishwasher stops working? Marry a new one !!

How do you fix a woman's watch? You don't...there's a clock on the oven!

A termite walks into a bar and asks:

- is the bartender here?

C'mon...think about it! :)

TOP TEN THINGS MEN SHOULDN'T SAY OUT LOUD AT VICTORIA'S SECRET10. Does this come in children's sizes?9. No thanks, just sniffing8. I'll be in the dressing room going blind7. Mom will love this6. Oh size won't matter, she's inflatable.5. No need to wrap it, I'll eat it here4. Will you model this for me?3. The Miracle what?!? This is better than world peace!!2. $45 bucks?! You're just gonna end up naked anyway!!!!

And the number one thing that a man should NEVER, EVER say out loud in Victoria's Secret is:1. Oh honey, you'll never squeeze your fat ass into that!!!!!!

An elderly woman goes to the doctor and asks his help to revive her Husband's sex drive.

- What about trying Viagra? - asks the doctor.

- Not a chance, - says Mrs. Murphy. He won't even take an aspirin for a headache.

- No problem, - replies the doctor. - Drop it into his coffee, he won't even taste it. Try it and come back in a week to let me know how you got on.

A week later Mrs. Murphy returns to the doctor and he inquires as to how things went.

- Oh it was terrible, just terrible doctor.

- What happened? - asks the doctor.

- Well I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee. The effect was immediate. He jumped straight up, swept the cutlery off the table, at the same time ripping my clothes off and then proceeded to make wild passionate love to me on the tabletop. It was terrible!

- What was terrible? - said the doctor, - Was the sex not good?

- Oh no doctor, the sex was the best I've had in 25 years... but I'll never be able to show my face in McDonald's again!

Why are there only two paul-bearers at a Mexican funeral?

There are only two handles on a garbage can!

A guy goes to his local church during the week to see the priest and confess his sins. He goes into the confessional box and says:

- Father during the week I said the F-word.

The priest says:

- Well my son, say 3 Hail Mary's and your sins will be forgiven.

The guy however was quite eager to explain to the priest why he had used the F-word and grudgingly the priest agreed to listen to his explanation.

- Well I was playing golf last Sunday instead of coming to church, - said the guy.

- Is that why you said the F-word? - the priest asked.

- No, - the guy replied. - I was on the first tee and I duck hooked my drive into this terrible rough.

- Is that why you said the F-word? - the priest asked.

- No, - the guy replied getting quite annoyed with the constant interruptions to his story. - My ball took a lucky kick out of the rough and I was left with a perfect shot to the green.

- Is that why you said the F-word? - the priest asked.

- No, - the guy said. - As I went to play my ball a squirrel grabbed it and took off with it.

- Is that why you said the F-word? - the priest asked.

- No, - the guy replied. - As the squirrel was running away with my ball an eagle swooped down on it and took off with the squirrel and my ball.

- Is that why you said the F-word? - the priest asked.

- No, - the guy replied. - The eagle dropped the squirrel over the green and the ball rolled out of its mouth and finished 5 inches from the hole.

The priest said:

- Don't tell - me you missed the fucking putt!

It had promised to be a sensational divorce case, with the wife accused of incredible escapades. Testifying before her own attorney, she projected an image of sweet innocence, told a tale of wifely fidelity and sacrifice, and was quite believable.

When it was time for cross-examination though, the husband's lawyer arose and said:

- Isn't it true that on the night of June 12, in a driving rainstorm, you had sexual intercourse with a certain circus midget on the handle bars of a careening motorcycle as it raced across a private golf course reaching speeds in excess of seventy-five miles per hour?

She turned pale but retained her remarkable self-control and composure.

Her voice was almost serene in its innocence as she asked:

- What was that date again ?

A husband, tired of his wife asking him how she looks, buys her a full length mirror. This does little to help, as now she just stands in front of the mirror, looking at herself, asking him how she looks.

One day, fresh out of the shower, she is yet again in front of the mirror, now complaining that her breasts are too small.

Uncharacteristically, the husband comes up with a suggestion:

- If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper, and rub it between your breasts for a few seconds.

Willing to try anything, the wife fetches a piece of toilet paper, and stands in front of the mirror, rubbing it between her breasts. - How long will this take? - she asks.

- They'll grow larger over a period of years, - he replies. The wife stops. - Why do you think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts grow over the years?

The husband shrugs. - Why not, it worked for your butt, didn't it?(He lived, and, with a great deal of therapy, he might walk again.)