Most commented jokes

The opening credits of The Simpsons(tm) shows Bart Simpson writing the same sentence over and over again on the chalkboard. Here are the collected writings of Bart Simpson from the opening credits.

- I will not carve gods.

- I will not spank others.

- I will not aim for the head.

- I will not barf unless I'm sick.

- I saw nothing unusual in the teacher's lounge.

- I will not conduct my own fire drills.

- Funny noises are not funny.

- I will not snap bras.

- I will not fake seizures.

- This punishment is not boring and pointless.

- My name is not Dr. Death.

- I will not prescribe medication.

- I will not bury the new kid.

- I will not teach others to fly.

- I will not bring sheep to class.

- A burp is not an answer.

- Teacher is not a leper.

- I will not eat things for money.

- I will not yell "She's Dead" at roll call.

- The principal's toupee is not a Frisbee.

- I will not call the principal "spud head".

- Goldfish don't bounce.

- Mud is not one of the 4 food groups.

- No one is interested in my underpants.

- I will not sell miracle cures.

- I will return the seeing-eye dog.

- I do not have diplomatic immunity.

- I will not charge admission to the bathroom.

- The cafeteria deep fryer is not a toy.

- My homework was not stolen by a one-armed man.

- I will not go near the kindergarten turtle.

- Organ transplants are best left to professionals.

- Five days is not too long to wait for a gun.

- I will not skateboard in the halls.

- Underwear should be worn on the inside.

- The Christmas Pageant does not stink.

- I am not authorized to fire substitute teachers.

One day this Blonde walked into her doctors office.

- Doctor, Doctor I'm having these awlful pains in my back.

- Well let me take a look.

When the doctor looked he had a look of suprise on his face.

- This is amazing.

- What is it doctor?

- I didn't know that the new Toyotas had ribbed leather rear seating!

Two boys are playing football in Central Park when one is attacked by a rabid Rottweiler. Thinking quickly, the other boy rips off a board of the nearby fence, wedges it down the dogs collar and twists, breaking the dogs neck.

A reporter who was strolling by sees the incident, and rushes over to interview the boy.

- Young Giants Fan Saves Friend From Viciou Animal - he starts writing in his notebook.

- But I'm not a Giants fan - the little hero replied.

- Sorry, since we are in New York, I just assumed you were. - said the reporter and starts again.

- Little Jets Fan Rescues Friend From Horrific Attack - he continued writing in his notebook.

- I'm not a Jets fan either - the boy said.

- I assumed everyone in New York was either for the Giants or Jets. What team do you root for? - the reporter asked.

- I'm a Cowboys fan. - the child said.

The reporter starts a new sheet in his notebook and writes:

- Little Redneck Bastard Kills Beloved Family Pet!

Pay back time for the ladies!

1. Don't imagine you can change a man - unless he's in diapers.
2. What do you do if your boyfriend walks out? You shut the door.
3. If they put a man on the moon - they should be able to put them all up there.
4. Never let your man's mind wander - it's too little to be out alone.
5. Go for younger men. You might as well - they never mature anyway.
6. Men are all the same - they just have different faces, so that you can tell them apart.
7. Definition of a bachelor; a man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable.
8. Women don't make fools of men - most of them are the do-it-yourself types.
9. Best way to get a man to do something, is to suggest they are too old for it.
10. Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.
11. If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.
12. The children of Israel wandered around the desert for 40 years. Even in biblical times, men wouldn't ask for directions.
13. If he asks what sort of books you're interested in, tell him checkbooks.
14. Remember a sense of humor does not mean that you tell him jokes, it means that you laugh at his.
15. Sadly, all men are created equal.

You can learn a lot from reading the graffiti in a bathroom, library or other public area...

- The best way to a man's heart is to saw his breast plate open. — Women's rest room, Murphy's, Champaign, Ill.

- If you voted for Clinton in the last election, you can't take a dump here - Your asshole is in Washington! — Men's rest room, Outback Steakhouse, Tacoma, Wash.

- Beauty is only a light switch away. — Perkins Library, Duke University, Durham, N.C.

- If life is a waste of time, and time is a waste of life, then let's all get wasted and have the time of our lives. — Armand's Pizza, Washington, D.C.

- Remember, it's not "How high are you?", it's "Hi, how are you?" — Rest stop off Route 81, W. VA.

- God made pot. Man made beer. Who do you trust? — The Irish Times, Washington, D.C.

- Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity. — The Bayou, Baton Rouge, La.

- No matter how good she looks, some other guy is sick and tired of putting up with her crap. — Men's rest room, Linda's Bar and Grill, Chapel Hill, N.C.

- It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere. — Written in the dust on the back of a bus, Wickenburg, Ariz.

- A woman's rule of thumb: If it has tires or testicles, you're going to have trouble with it. — Women's rest room, Dick's Last Resort, Dallas, Tex.

- Watch out for gay limbo dancers. — Inside toilet stall door, men's rest room?

- Express Lane: Five beers or less. — Sign over one of the urinals, Ed Debevic's, Phoenix, Ariz.

- You're too good for him. — Sign over mirror in women's rest room, Ed Debevic's, Beverly Hills, CA

- No wonder you always go home alone. — Sign over mirror in men's rest room, Ed Debevic's, Beverly Hills, CA

- What are you looking up on the wall for? The joke is in your hands. — Men's rest room, Lynagh's, Lexington, KY

One day, a man complained to his friend:

- My elbow really hurts, guess I should see a doctor.

His friend said:

- Don't do that. There's a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor. Simply put in a sample of your urine, and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. And it only costs $10.00.

The guy figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00. The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause, out popped a small slip of paper which read:

You have tennis elbow.

Soak your arm in warm water, avoid heavy labor.

It will be better in two weeks.

That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this computer could be fooled.

He decided to give it a try. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction. He went back to the drug store, located the computer, poured in this sample and deposited the $10.00. The machine again made the usual noises, flashed lights, and printed out the following analysis:

Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.

Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.

Your daughter is using cocaine. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic. Your wife is pregnant....twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.

And.... if you don't stop jerking off, your elbow will never get better!

Bumper stickers seen this weekend .....

- You're just jealous because the voices are talking to me.

- I have the body of a god........ Buddha.

- This would be really funny if it weren't happening to me.

- Cleverly disguised as a responsible adult.

- The face is familiar but i can't quite remember my name.

- Illiterate? Write for help.

- Honk if anything falls off.

- He who hesitates is not only lost but miles from the next exit.

- This isn't my idea of a good time.

- It's been lovely, but I have to scream now.

- Uniquely maladjusted, but fun.

- This bumper sticker exploits illiterates.

- I haven't lost my mind it's backed up on disk somewhere.

- Oh, evolve!

- Gone crazy be back shortly.

- If you're not outraged you're not paying attention.

There was a boy riding on his bike outside a church.

The priest saw him and told him to come into the church and the boy said:

- ... But they'll steal my bike.

The priest explained how the Holy Spirit would take care of it, so they went inside.

The priest showed the boy how to make the sign of the cross and told the boy to repeat it...

- In the name of the Father, The Son... Amen

The priest said:

- What about the Holy Spirit?

The boy replied:

- Its outside taking care of my bike!

Rules for Buying Gifts for Men

Rule #1
When in doubt - buy him a cordless drill. It does not matter if he already has one. I have a friend who owns 17 and he has yet to complain. As a man, you can never have too many cordless drills. No one knows why.

Rule #2
If you cannot afford a cordless drill, buy him anything with the word ratchet or socket in it. Men love saying those two words.

- Hey George, can I borrow your ratchet?

- OK. By-the-way, are you through with my 3/8-inch socket yet?

Again, no one knows why.

Rule #3
If you are really, really broke, buy him anything for his car. A 99-cent ice scraper, a small bottle of de-icer or something to hang from his rear view mirror. Men love gifts for their cars. No one knows why.

Rule #4
Do not buy men socks. Do not buy men ties. And never buy men bathrobes. I was told that if God had wanted men to wear bathrobes, he wouldn't have invented Jockey shorts.

Rule #5
You can buy men new remote controls to replace the ones they have worn out.

If you have a lot of money buy your man a big-screen TV with the little picture in the corner. Watch him go wild as he flips, and flips, and flips.

Rule #6
Do not buy a man any of those fancy liqueurs. If you do, it will sit in a cupboard for 23 years. Real men drink whiskey or beer.

Rule #7
Do not buy any man industrial-sized canisters of after shave or deodorant. I'm told they do not stink - they are earthy.

Rule #8
Buy men label makers. Almost as good as cordless drills. Within a couple of weeks there will be labels absolutely everywhere. "Socks. Shorts. Cups. Saucers. Door. Lock. Sink." You get the idea. No one knows why.

Rule #9
Never buy a man anything that says "some assembly required" on the box. It will ruin his Special Day and he will always have parts left over.

Rule #10
Good places to shop for men include Northwest Iron Works, Parr Lumber, Home Depot, John Deere, Valley RV Center, and Les Schwab Tire. (NAPA Auto Parts and Sears' Clearance Centers are also excellent men's stores. It doesn't matter if he doesn't know what it is. "From NAPA Auto, eh? Must be something I need. Hey! Isn't this a starter for a '68 Ford Fairlane? Wow! Thanks.")

Rule #11
Men enjoy danger. That's why they never cook - but they will barbecue. Get him a monster barbecue with a 100-pound propane tank. Tell him the gas line leaks.

- Oh the thrill! The challenge! Who wants a hamburger?

Rule #12
Tickets to a Patriots game are a smart gift. However, he will not appreciate tickets to "A Retrospective of 19th Century Quilts." Everyone knows why.

Rule #13
Men love chainsaws. Never, ever, buy a man you love a chainsaw. If you don't know why - please refer to Rule #8 and what happens when he gets a label maker.

Rule #14
It's hard to beat a really good wheelbarrow or an aluminum extension ladder. Never buy a real man a step ladder. It must be an extension ladder. No one knows why.

Rule #15
Rope. Men love rope. It takes us back to our cowboy origins, or at least The Boy Scouts. Nothing says love like a hundred feet of 3/8" manilla rope. No one knows why.

- Attempt to take the order-takers order. ("Hi, may I take your order?") before they get a chance to take yours.

- Order confusing items, i.e., "Hi, I'll have a large orange Coke and a small medium fries, please".

- When you arrive at the window to pick up your food, hand them several bags of garbage & ask if they'll dispose of it for you. Make sure it smells.

- Speak in such a garbled fashion that the order-taker will think there is a problem with the speaker and ask you to order at the window. When you arrive at the window, speak in the same garbled, incomprehensible fashion.

- Drive through with someone on the hood to accept the food.

- Bring along a Mr. Microphone. When the order-taker speaks, aim the mic at their speaker but do so while aiming the Mr. Microphone speaker at the mic to produce excruciating feedback of their own voice.

- Have a friend hide in the trunk. When you approach the window to pickup your order, have him start yelling and banging his fists on the trunk.

- If you are a male, have a female friend place the order by speaking VERY seductively and suggestively into the speaker. When she finishes, have her hide and pull up to accept your order. See how many of the order-takers fellow employees have been called over to the window to "check out the babe".