Most commented jokes

There was a loser who couldn't get a date. He went to a bar and asked this one guy how to get a date. The guy said:

- It's simple. I just say, I'm a lawyer.

So the guy went up to a pretty woman and asked her out. After she said No, he told her that it was probably a good thing because he had a case early in the morning.

She said:

- Oh!!!! Your a lawyer?

He said:

- Why,... Yes I am!

So they went to his place and when they were in bed, screwing, he started to laugh to himself. When she asked what was so funny, he answered:

- Well, I've only been a lawyer for 15 minutes, and I'm already screwing someone!

Generic Drug Names: Tylenol is Acetaminophen, Advil is Ibuprofen, Penicillin is Amoxycillin.

So what's the generic name for viagra?
→ Mydixadroopin

A guy was sitting in a bar, drinking away. Suddenly he says to the bartender:

- I have to go home or the wife will be mad.

(at this point he was loaded drunk) He climbed down from the bar stool, and fell flat on his face. The man then said:

- I can't walk and I didn't have that much to drink?

He gets up to give it another try, this time the same thing happens and he falls flat to his face. He says:

- I have to get home some way or the wife will kill me if I don't get home soon!

He gets an idea of crawling home, so away he went crawling home. He crawled up to his apartment and slowely snuck into bed with his wife trying not to wake her.

The next morning he woke up to see his wife running in the room. She said:

- you were out drinking again last night weren't you!

The man replied with:

- NO WAY!

And the wife said:

- YOU LIAR! The bartender just called and said you left your wheelchair at the club again last night!

Where do you see blonde, brunette, blonde, brunette, blonde...
→ A naked blonde doing cartwheels!

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

A conclusion is the place where you get tired of thinking.

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

For every action, there is equal and opposite criticism.

He who hesitates is usually right.

Never do card tricks with the group you play poker with.

No one is listening until you make a mistake.

Success is always done in private, and failure in full view.

The colder the X-ray table, the more body is required on it.

The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.

To steal from one person is plagiarism, to steal from many is research.

To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.

Two wrongs are only the beginning.

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

The problem with the gene pool is that there are no life-savers.

Monday is the worst way to spend 1/7th of your life.

The sooner you fall behind, the more time you have to catch up.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

If you must pick between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.

Change is inevidable - except from vending machines.

Don't sweat petty things, or pet sweaty thingss.

A fool and his money will soon be partying.

Money can't buy love - but it can rent a very close imitation.

Plan to be spontanious tomorrow.

If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.

Drugs may lead nowhere, but at least it's a scenic route.

'I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize...'

Everyone repeat after me..."we are all individuals..."

Death to all fanatics!!

Don't be sexist - chicks hate that!

Love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye opener.

Bills travel throught the mail at twice the speed of checks...

Hard work pays off later - laziness pays off now.

Eagles may soar, but weasles don't get sucked in jet engines

Borrow money from pessimists - they don't expect it back.

If at first you don't succeed, than skydiving definately is not for you.

There once was a girl from Wenatch,
She tried to get it on with a match,
She got so excited,
The damn thing ignited,
And burned all the hair off her snatch!

A woman went down to the Welfare Office to get aid. The office worker asked her:

- How many children do you have?

- Ten - she replied.

- What are their names? - he asked.

- LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, and LeRoy - she answered.

- They're all named LeRoy? - he asked

- What if you want them to come in from playing outside?

- Oh, that's easy - she said.

- I just call 'LeRoy,' and they all come running in.

- And, if you want them to come to the table for dinner?

- I just say, 'LeRoy, come eat your dinner' - she answered.

- But what if you just want ONE of them to do something? - he asked.

- Oh, that's easy - she said.

- I just use their last name!

So, four nuns die at about the same time, and are waiting at the pearly gates to consult St. Peter. He says:

- Next!

He asks the first nun:

- Before I let you into Heaven, I have to ask this: Have you ever come in contact with a penis?

The first nun says, embarrased:

- Well, I was a nurse for a while, Mr. Peter, so, yes, I had to touch a few penises in my time...

St. Peter says:

- No problem! Just wash your hands out in that there fountain of holy water, and go right in!

So the nun washes her hands, and the gates spring open, the music plays, and the first nun walks right in.

Then St. Peter asks the second nun:

- Have you ever come in contact with a penis?

The second nun says, embarrassed:

- Well, once I was trying to convert some people, and I wandered into a movie theater by accident. There was a penis on the screen...

- Not to worry! - laughs St. Peter.

- Just wash your eyes out in the fountain of holy water over there, and you're set!

So the nun washes her eyes, and the gates spring open, the music plays, and the second nun walks right in.

Then St. Peter begins to ask the third nun:

- Have you ever come in cont...

Suddenly, the fourth nun interrupts:

- Um, Mr. Peter, I reeeaaaallly have to go first!

- Be patient, child, you'll have your turn - says St. Peter.

He turns to the third one again:

- Now, have you ever come in contact with...

- Mr. PETER!!!! - The fourth one screams.

- I REALLY have to go first.

- I'll ask you in just a moment! I have to ask this young lady first!

- NO WAY! - the fourth one says, practically fuming.

- I'm not gonna was out my mouth in that fountain after she washes her ass out in it!!

There are 3 people walking down the street: the perfect man, the perfect woman, and Mickey Mouse. They see a $50 bill on the street. Who picks it up?

The perfect woman (naturally), because the other two are fictional characters!

A fellow in a bar notices a woman, always alone, come in on a fairly regular basis. After the second week, he made his move.

- No thank you - she said politely.

- This may sound rather odd in this day and age, but I'm keeping myself pure until I meet the man I love.

- That must be rather difficult - the man replied.

- Oh, I don't mind too much - she said.

- But, it has my husband pretty upset.