Most commented jokes

Your momma so stanky...when she passes by the toilet it flushes!!!

A rich society lady was being driven home in the rain when her Rolls Royce gets a puncture.

The car slowly stopped, and the chauffeur got out. After a long delay the society lady wound down the window.

- Do you want a screwdriver? - she asked.

The chauffeur shrugged:

- Might as well, - he said, I can't get this bloody hub cap off!!!

What do you say to a woman with two black eyes?
→ Nothing, you already told her to shut up twice.

Your mom is so fat, that I knew her all my life, and I still haven't seen all of her!

Your mom is so fat, I can get morning exercise by running around here!

One day at the end of class little Johnny's teacher has the class go home and think of a story and then conclude the moral of that story. The following day the teacher asks for the first volunteer to tell their story, little Suzy raises her hand:

- My dad owns a farm and every Sunday we load the chicken eggs on the truck and drive into town to sell them at the market. Well, one Sunday we hit a big bump and all the eggs flew out of the basket and onto the road.

The teacher asks for the moral of the story. Suzy replies:

- Don't keep all your eggs in one basket.

Next is little Lucy:

- Well my dad owns a farm too and every weekend we take the chicken eggs and put them in the incubator. Last weekend only 8 of the 12 eggs hatched.

The teacher asks for the moral of the story. Lucy replies:

- Don't count your eggs before they're hatched.

Last is little Johnny:

- My uncle Ted fought in the Vietnam war; his plane was shot down over enemy territory. He jumped out before it crashed with only a case of beer, a machine gun and a machete. On the way down he drank the case of beer. Unfortunately, he landed right in the middle of 100 Vietnamese soldiers. He shot 70 with his machine gun, but ran out of bullets, so he pulled out his machete and killed 20 more. The blade on his machete broke, so he killed the last ten with his bare hands.

Teacher looks in shock at Johnny and asks if there is possibly any moral to his story.

Johnny replies:

- Don't fuck with uncle Ted when he's been drinking!

Write down on a peice of paper:
M R ducks
M R not
O S A R
C M wangs
L I B
M R ducks

Now have somebody say it, saying the capitals as letters, it comes out as:
'em are ducks
'em are not
oh 'es 'ey are
see 'em wangs
'ell ill be
'em are ducks

There was a reporter from the city stuck in a small mountainous town in W.Va. He decided to use the time by getting a good story to submit to his boss. He saw an old man sitting outside a local store and went over to begin the interview:

- Sir, I am writing a story about people in this area and would like to include an interesting story from you. Is there any particular story that you would like to share?

The old hillbilly smiled to himself as he thought back on a time:

- Well, thar was the time I lost my sheep. We gathered up a bunch of the boys, got some moonshine in us and went off after it. When we found the sheep, we all took turns screwing it....my, that was fun!

The reporter couldn't write a story about that so he asked for another:

- Well, when my neighbor's wife got lost, we all gathered up and got drunk and went out to look for her. We had a good time taking turns with her when we found her, too. Damn that was a lot of fun!

The reporter was frustrated:

- Sir, I can't submit a story like that. Maybe you oughta tell me about a not so fun time you had.

- Well - the hillbilly said as he fidgited in his chair, he looked up at the reporter with a pained expression, thar was that time "I" got lost...

The pentagon recently found it had too many generals and offered an early retirement bonus. They promised any general who retired right away, his full annual benefits PLUS $10,000 for every inch measured in a straight line along the retiring general's body between two points he chose.

The first general accepted. He asked the pension man to measure from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. 6 feet. He walked out with a check for $720,000.

The second general asked them to measure from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. 8 feet. He walked out with a check for $960,000.

Meantime, the first general had tipped off the third. When he was asked where to measure, he told the pension man:

- from the tip of my penis to the tip of my testicles.

The pension man said that would be fine but he'd better get the Medical Officer to do the measuring.

The Medical Officer attended and asked the general to drop 'em... he did... The Medical Officer placed the tape on the tip of the general's penis and began to work back.

- My God! - he said, where are your testicles?

- back in Vietnam! - the general replied.

One day at school, the teacher sees cuts and bruises all over little johnny's body. Worried, she asks him what happened.

He replies:

- Well, my parents are doing renovations in my room and I sleep with them. Last night, I woke and heard my father asking OK? and mom said OK so I asked OK what? So they got real angry and beat me up.

The next day, the teacher sees new cuts and bruises on little johnny's body so she asks him what happened and tells her the same thing. So she tells him not to say anything should the same thing occur tonight.

Next day at school, little johnny comes to class with a head band on his head and crutches with his face all blue and swollen.

When the teacher asks what happened, he says:

- Like you said, last night, when my dad asked OK? and mom said OK, I didn't say anything. After a while, they started moaning and groaning but still, I didn't say a thing until dad asked: did you come? and mom answered Yeah, I came and I said where were you?