Most commented jokes

One day a nun was fishing and caught a huge, strange looking fish.

A man was walking by and said:

- WOW!! What a nice Gauddam Fish!

The sister said:

- Sir, you shouldn't use God's name in vain.

The man said:

- But that's the SPECIES of the fish --- a Gauddam Fish.

The sister said:

- Oh, ok.

The Sister took the fish back home and said:

- Mother Superior, look at the Gauddam Fish I caught.

Shocked, the Mother Superior said:

- Sister, you know better than that.

The nun said:

- That's the species of it --- a Gauddam Fish.

So the Mother Superior said:

- Well, give me the Gauddam Fish and I'll clean it.

While she was cleaning the fish, Monsignor walked in and Mother Superior said:

- Monsignor, look at the Gauddam Fish that the sister caught.

Nearly fainting, Monsignor said:

- Mother Superior, you shouldn't talk like that!

Mother Superior said:

- But that's the species of it --- a Gauddam Fish.

Monsignor said:

- Well give me the Gauddam Fish and I'll cook it.

That evening at supper there was a new priest at the table, and he said:

- Wow, what a nice fish.

In reply, the sister said:

- Thank-you, I caught the Gauddam Fish.

And Mother Superior said:

- I cleaned the Gauddam Fish.

And Monsignor said:

- I cooked the Gauddam Fish.

The priest looked around in disbelief, quite shocked, and said...

- I LIKE THIS FUCKING PLACE ALREADY!

A lonely frog telephoned the Psychic Hotline and asked what his future holds.

His Personal Psychic Advisor tells him:

- You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you.

The frog is thrilled:

- This is great!

- Will I meet her at a party? - he croaks.

- No, - says the psychic - in biology class.

Harry is on his death bed, his wife Zelda is by his side:

- Zelda, you've always been by my side

- When I broke my leg at 25; you were by my side

- When I had my first heart attack at 45; you were by my side

- When I had my second heart attack at 65; you were by my side

- When I broke my hip at 75; you were by my side

- And now when I'm dying; you are at my side............

- Zelda, you're a fucking jinx!!

A golfer and his buddies where playing a big round of golf for $200. At the eighteenth green the golfer had a ten foot putt to win the round, and the $200.

As he was lining up his putt, a funeral procession started to pass by. The golfer set down his putter, took his hat off, placed it over his chest, and began to wait for the funeral procession to pass. After it passed, he picked up his putter and returned to lining up his putt.

One of his buddies said:

- That was the most touching thing I have ever seen. I can't believe you stopped playing, possibly loosing your concentration, to pay your respects.

- Well, we were married for 25 years!

I was walking across a bridge one day, and I saw a man standing on the edge, about to jump off. I immediately ran over and said:

- Stop! Don't do it!

- Why shouldn't I? - he said.

I said:

- Well, there's so much to live for!

- Like what?

- Well ... are you religious or atheist?

- Religious.

- Me too! Are you Christian or Jewish?

- Christian.

- Me too! Are you Catholic or Protestant?

- Protestant.

- Me too! Are you Episcopalian or Baptist?

- Baptist.

- Wow! Me too! Are you Baptist Church of God or Baptist Church of the Lord?

- Baptist Church of God.

- Me too! Are you Original Baptist Church of God, or are you Reformed Baptist Church of God?

- Reformed Baptist Church of God.

- Me too! Are you Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1879, or Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1915?

- Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1915!

To which I said:

- Die, heretic scum! - and pushed him off.

A man died and went to hell. Upon arrival he met with the CDIC (Chief Devil in Charge).

- Devil: We run things a bit differently nowadays, you get to pick your own personal hell.

- Man: That's not so bad, whatcha got?

- Devil: Well, I'm going to open a series of doors, look inside, assess the situation and then tell me if that's where you want to spend eternity.

- Man: OK.

The devil opens the first door and there's a room of people standing on their heads on a hardwood floor.

- Man: Ouch, that seems painful. It's not for me, what's next.

The devil opens the next door to reveal the same situation, only on concrete floors.

- Man: That looks worse, got anything left.

The devil opens the third door to reveal a room full of people standing knee deep in shit drinking coffee.

- Man: Well, the shit smells but I could stand the smell and drink coffee all day. I'll take this one.

- Devil: Are you sure this is the one you want?

- Man: Absolutely!

The devil then escorts him in the room shuts and locks the door. As soon as the door closes, a whistle blows and a loud speaker says:

- Alright, coffee break is over, back on your heads!

This rich guy from the north is driving his Lincoln Continental down to New Orleans. Along the way he picks up a redneck.

The redneck looks quizzically at the dash board and says:

- What are those thangs?

The driver says:

- Those are golf tees.

The redneck asks:

- What those are for?

The driver says:

- Those hold my balls when I drive.

The redneck says:

- Sheeit, these Lincolns sure come with everythang!

The following quotes were taken from actual medical records dictated by physicians. They appeared in a column written by Richard Lederer, Ph.D., for the Journal of Court Reporting.

- By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had stopped, and he was feeling better.

- Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.

- The patient states there is a burning pain in his penis which goes to his feet.

- On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it had completely disappeared.

- She has had no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.

- The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in 1983.

- I will be happy to go into her GI system; she seems ready and anxious.

- Patient was released to outpatient department without dressing. I have suggested that he loosen his pants before standing, and then, when he stands with the help of his wife, they should fall to the floor.

- The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.

- Discharge status: Alive but without permission. The patient will need disposition, and therefore we will get Dr. Blank to dispose of him.

- Healthy appearing decrepit 69 year-old male, mentally alert but forgetful.

- The patient refused an autopsy.

- The patient has no past history of suicides.

- The patient expired on the floor uneventfully.

- Patient has left his white blood cells at another hospital.

- Patient was becoming more demented with urinary frequency.

- The patient's past medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.

- She slipped on the ice and apparently her legs went in separate directions in early December.

- The patient experienced sudden onset of severe shortness of breath with a picture of acute pulmonary edema at home while having sex which gradually deteriorated in the emergency room.

- The patient left the hospital feeling much better except for her original complaints.

Why doesn't Santa have any children?
→ Because he only comes once a year, and when he does, it's down the chimney.

What do blacks and Christmas trees have in common?
→ They both have colored balls.