Most commented jokes

Why is Christmas just like a day at the office?
→ You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.

How are a Christmas tree and a priest alike?
→ They both have ornamental balls.

Two nuns riding down a cobbled road on bicycles. First one says to the other:

- I've never come this way before.

Other nun says:

- Neither have I. It's probably the cobbles.

The general was confined to the military hospital for treatment of a minor malady.

For almost a week he made a complete nuisance of himself, irritating both staff and the other patients, demanding attention and expecting his every order to be followed immediately. He was in a six-man ward rather than a private room, his meals were too cold or not served to suit his taste, the light needed to be adjusted to his demands, the nighttime activities interfered with his rest... and on, and on.

One afternoon an orderly entered the room:

- Time to take your temperature, General.

After growling at the orderly, the general opened his mouth to accept the thermometer.

- Sorry, General, but for this test we need your temperature from the other end.

A whole new barrage of verbal abuse followed, but the orderly was insistent that a rectal temperature was what the test called for.

The general at last rolled over, bared his rear, and allowed the orderly to proceed. The orderly then told the general:

- Stay exactly like that and don't move. I'll be back in five minutes to check up on you - and withdrew.

An hour later, the head nurse entered the room, saw the general with his bare rear in the air and gasped:

- What's going on here?

- Haven't you ever seen someone having their temperature taken? - the general barked.

- Yes I have, General, but with a daffodil?

There was a mamma mole, a papa mole, and a baby mole. They lived in a hole outside of a farm house out in the country.

The papa mole reached his head out of the hole and said:

- Mmmmm, I smell sausage.

The mama mole reached her head outside of the hole and said:

- Mmmmmm, I smell pancakes.

The baby mole tried to reach his head outside the hole but couldn't because of the two bigger moles.

The baby mole said:

- The only thing I can smell is molasses!

1. Women love to shop. It is the one area of the world where they feel like they're actually in control.
2. Women especially love a bargain. The question of "need" is irrelevant, so don't bother pointing it out. Anything on sale is fair game.
3. Women never have anything to wear. Don't question the racks of clothes in the closet; you "just don't understand".
4. Women need to cry. And they won't do it alone unless they know you can hear them.
5. Women will always ask questions that have no right answer, in an effort to trap you into feeling guilty.
6. Women love to talk. Silence intimidates them and they feel a need to fill it, even if they have nothing to say.
7. Women need to feel like there are people worse off than they are. That's why soap operas and Oprah Winfrey-type shows are so successful.
8. Women hate bugs. Even the strong-willed ones need a man around when there's a spider or a wasp involved.
9. Women can't keep secrets. They eat away at them from the inside. And they don't view it as being untrustworthy, providing they only tell two or three people.
10. Women always go to public restrooms in groups. It gives them a chance to gossip.
11. Women can't refuse to answer a ringing phone, no matter what she's doing. It might be the lottery calling.
12. Women never understand why men love toys. Men understand that they wouldn't need toys if women had an "on/off" switch.
13. Women think all beer is the same.
14. Women keep three different shampoos and two different conditioners in the shower.
15. After a woman showers, the bathroom will smell like a tropical rain forest.
16. Women don't understand the appeal of sports. Men seek entertainment that allows them to escape reality. Women seek entertainment that reminds them of how horrible things could be.
17. If a man goes on a seven-day trip, he'll pack five days worth of clothes and will wear some things twice; if a woman goes on a seven-day trip she'll pack 21 outfits because she doesn't know what she'll feel like wearing each day.
18. Women brush their hair before bed.
19. Women are paid less than men, except for Modeling.
20. Women are never wrong. Apologizing is the mans responsibility, "It's there in the bible". hmmm who was it that gave Adam the apple?
21. Women do not know anything about cars. "Oil-stick, oil doesn't stick?"
22. Women have better rest rooms. They get the nice chairs and red carpet.
23. The average number of items in a typical woman's bathroom is 437. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.
24. Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.
25. Women love to talk on the phone. A woman can visit her girlfriend for two weeks, and upon returning home, she will call the same friend and they will talk for three hours.
26. A woman will dress up to go shopping, to water the plants, to empty the garbage, to answer the phone, to read a book, or to get the mail.
27. Women will drive miles out of their way to avoid the possibility of getting lost using a shortcut.
28. Women do NOT want an honest answer to the question, 'How do I look?'
29. PMS stands for: Permissible Man-Slaughter. (Or at least men think it means that. PMS also stands for Punish My Spouse.)
30. The first naked man that woman see is "Ken".
31. Women will make three right-hand turns to avoid making one left-hand turn.
32. "Oh, nothing," has an entirely different meaning in woman-language than it does in man-language.
33. Lewis Carroll's Caterpillar had nothing on women.
34. Women cannot use a map without turning the map to correspond to the direction that they are heading.

40a All women are overweight by definition, don't argue with them about it.
40b All women are overweight by definition, don't agree with them about it.

41. If it is not Valentines day, and you see a man in a flower shop, you can probably start up a conversation by asking:

- What did you do?

42. Women want equal rights, but you rarely hear them clamoring to be let into the draft to cover the responsibilities that go with those rights.
43. Only women understand the reason for "guest towels" and the "good china".
44. Women can get out of speeding tickets by pouting. This will get men arrested.
45. Women don't really care about a sense of humor in a guy despite claims to the contrary. You don't see women trampling over Tom Cruise to get to Gilbert Gottfried do you?

An American, a Jew and a Canadian were in a terrible car accident. They were all brought to the same emergency room, but all three of them died before they arrived. Just as they were about to put the toe tag on the American, he stirred and opened his eyes. Astonished, the doctors and nurses present asked him what happened.

- Well - said the American:

- I remember the crash, and then there was a beautiful light, and then the Canadian and the Jew and I were standing at the gates of heaven. St. Peter approached us and said that we were all too young to die, and that for a donation of $50, we could return to the earth. So of course I pulled out my wallet and gave him the $50, and the next thing I knew I was back here.

- That's amazing! - said one of the doctors:

- But what happened to the other two?

- Last I saw them - replied the American:

- the Jew was haggling over the price and the Canadian was waiting for the government to pay for his!

An Irishman walks out of a pub, stumbling back and forth with a key in his hand.

A cop on the beat sees him and approaches:

- Can I help you lad?

- Yesh, Shombody shtole me car! - the Irishman replies.

The cop asks:

- Well now, where was your car last time you saw it?

- It was at the end of this key.

About this time the cop looks down to see that the Irishman's member is being exhibited for all to see. He then asks:

- Are you aware that you are exposing yourself?

The Irishman looks down woefully and moans:

- OOH GOD... they got me girl too!

A zebra dies goes to heaven. When checking in, he tells St. Peter:

- Say, I have always wanted to know if I am white with black stripes or black with white stripes.

St. Peter:

- I can't answer that question...but see God walking around over there? Ask him. - Zebra to God:

- God, am I white with black stripes or black with white stripes?

God looks at the zebra sagely and states:

- You are what you are.

Frustrated, the zebra returns to St. Peter.

- What did He say - asks S.P.

- Oh - replies the zebra:

- He just said, 'You are what you are,' and I still don't know whether I'm black with white stripes or white with black stripes.

- Oh, that's easy - says S.P.:

- You are white with black stripes.

- How do you know? - asks the zebra:

- Well - says S.P.:

- if you were black with white stripes he would have said 'you is what you is.'

Deep in the woods sat a bear and a squirrel at the communal latrine.

- Hmmm - says the bear to the squirrel:

- Do you find that shit tends to stick to your fur?

- Yes it does - replies the squirrel.

- Great! - says the bear, and wipes his ass with the squirrel.