Most commented jokes

A kilted Scotsman was walking down a country path after finishing off a considerable amount of whiskey at a local pub. As he staggered down the road, he felt quite sleepy and decided to take a nap, with his back against a tree.

As he slept, two young lasses walked down the road and heard the Scotsman snoring loudly. They saw him, and one said:

- I've always wondered what a Scotsman wears under his kilt.

She boldly walked over to the sleeping man, raised his kilt, and saw what nature had provided him at his birth.

Her friend said:

- Well, he has solved a great mystery for us, now! He must be rewarded!

So, she took a blue ribbon from her hair, and gently tied it around what nature had provided the Scotsman, and the two walked away.

Some time later, the Scotsman was awakened by the call of nature, and walked around to the other side of the tree to relieve himself. He raised his kilt...and saw where the blue ribbon was tied.

After several moments of bewilderment, the Scotsman said...

- I don't know where y'been lad...but it's nice ta'know y'won first prize!

There were three men. Joe, Rich, and Scott. They were all camping in the woods, and they knew they had to stop for the night. Joe suggested they stop where they were right there, a nice clear, wooded area. Rich agreed, but Scott disagreed, because there was nothing interesting around, only trees. They kept hiking for a little longer, and came across a small clear area, right next to the highway. Both Joe and Rich wanted to stay there because there was no stumps, or moss around, and the sounds of the cars could help to put them asleep. Scott said no, because he found a small ant farm 500 meters away, and was scared the ants might come, and get them. SO they kept hiking, and finally, they came to the end of the woods, and stepped onto the highway. Scott was mystified, and wanted to sleep right smack dab in the middle of the highway. It was interesting, and he wanted to look at all the different liscence plates, as they drove by. Joe and Rich were so upset, because, obviously, that was the LAST place that they wanted to sleep in! But, they were too tired to argue, so they set up their tent in the middle of the highway and went to sleep. They slept soundly through the night, but were awaked a couple of times by the sound of cars beeping, and crashing. The next morning, they awoke early, and noticed a huge pileup of cars right off the highway, in the spot they had earlier chosen. Feeling proud, Scott said: "See, guys? Imagine what would of happened if we slept there last night!"

There was this guy who was sick so he went to the doctor. The doc ran some tests and sent him home with some medicine. The next day the doctor called and the wife answered.

- I'm going to have to run a few more tests - the doctor said:

- I'm going to need a semen, urine and a fecal sample.

After she hung up the husband asked:

- What did the doctor say?

- Oh the doctor is going to need a pair of your underwear.

Why isn't gambling allowed in Africa?
→ Because of all the cheetahs.

What's the difference between an English Sheepherder and Mick Jagger?
→ Mick Jagger sings:

- Hey, Hey, you, you, get off of my cloud.

An English sheepherder says:

- Hey, Hey MacCloud! Get off of my ewe!

A new neighbor arrives. The kids meet.

The local kid:

- My mom was born in California! Where was your mom born?

The other kid answers:

- Alaska

The first one replies:

- Gee, then don't worry about it... I'll ask'er myself!

Once, there were three guys stranded on an island, and the mainland was 100 miles away.

The first guy swam 25 miles, and drowned.

The second guy swam 50 miles, and drowned.

The third guy swam 99 miles, and said:

- I'm tired. I think I'll swim back.

The Queen of England was visiting one of Canada's top hospitals, and during her tour of the floors she passed a room where a male patient was masturbating.

- Oh my God, - said the Queen, - that's disgraceful, what is the meaning of this?

The Doctor leading the tour explains:

- I am sorry your highness, this man has a very serious condition where the testicles rapidly fill with semen. If he doesn't do that 5 times a day, they'll explode, and he would die instantly.

- Oh, I am sorry, - said the Queen.

On the next floor they passed a room where a young nurse was giving a patient oral sex.

- Oh my God, - said the Queen, - what's happening in there?

The Doctor replied:

- Same problem, better health plan.

A herd of buffalo can move only as fast as the slowest buffalo, and when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular culling of the weakest members.

In much the same way the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, we all know, kills brain cells, but naturally it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first.

In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine.

That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers.

President Yeltsin, President Clinton and Bill Gates are invited to have dinner with God. During dinner He tells them:

- I needed three important people to send my message out to all the people: Tomorrow I will destroy the Earth.

Yeltsin immediately calls together his cabinet and announces:

- I have two really bad news items. God really exists, and tomorrow he will destroy the earth.

Clinton calls an emergency meeting of congress and announces:

- I have good news and bad news. The good news is God really does exist; the bad news is tomorrow he's destroying the Earth.

Gates goes back to Microsoft and tells his employees:

- I have two pieces of great news. First, I am one of the three most important people on earth, and second, I think I've got the Y2K problem fixed.