Women Jokes — most commented jokes

Two old friends are having coffee when the first woman says, "I hear that you've been telling people that I'm ugly!"

"Oh NO! I've just been saying that your new hairdo makes you look less attractive."

"I also heard that you've been calling me fat?!?"

"Oh NO! I just said that the way you wear those stripes makes you look larger than you really are."

"I've also heard that you're saying that my husband has a wart on his dick!"

"Oh NO! I only said that it feels like he has a wart on his dick!"

"Would you sleep with me for ten thousand dollars?" asked John.

"Yes, I will." Paula replied.

"Would you do it for one thousand?" he asked.

"Well maybe, or maybe I'd do something else for you." she answered with a wink.

"How about a blowjob for $20?" responded John.

"Hey! What kind of women do you think I am?" Paula snapped, indignantly.

"That's already been established, Paula. Now we're just haggling over the price!"

What's the definition of a perfect woman?

a) Three feet tall with a round hole for a mouth and a flat head so that you can put a pint of beer on it.

b) The sports model has pullback ears and her teeth fold in.

c) The economy model fucks all night and at midnight turn into a roastbeef sandwich and a sixpack.

If you act immature enough and hang around long enough, an older woman will just mistake you for another one of her children and let you live at her house rent-free. Older women can afford to support you.

The modest young lass had just purchased some lingerie and asked if she might have the sentence, "If you can read this you're too damn close" embroidered on her panties and bra. "Yes Madame," said the clerk. "I'm quite certain that could be done. Would you prefer block or script letters?" "Braille," she replied.

One of the life's mysteries is how a two pound box of candy can make a woman gain five pounds.

What do cow pies and cowgirls have in common?
→ The older they get the easier they are to pick up.

These two women went out for a night on the town and got just totally sloshed. At the end of the evening they decided to take a short cut through a cow pasture after being unable to find a ride home. They became lost so split up to try and find the road home. One of the lushes doubled back only to stumble on the other flat on her back sucking on, and playing with a cow's udders. Her friend screamed "what are you doing"? the other lush says "shut up, with all these guys here someone'll drive us home".

Three Things Women Can Do That Men Can't:

1. Bleed for a week and not die.
2. Give milk without eating grass
3. Bury an eight inch bone faster than any dog!

Woman goes into a hardware store and asks the clerk for two AA batteries. The clerk gestures with his fingers and says, "Come this way," and heads towards the back of the store.

"If I could come that way," she tells the retreating clerk, "I wouldn't need the batteries."