Women Jokes — most commented jokes

Chase is very pleased to announce that we are installing new Drive-thru ATMs where customers will be able withdraw cash without leaving their vehicle. (Other accounts can also utilise this facility) Male and Female procedures have been tailored to best reflect the behaviors of those particular groupings.

PROCEDURE FOR MALE CUSTOMERS:

1. Drive up to the ATM
2. Open the car window
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN
4. Enter amount of cash required and press "enter"
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt
6. Close window
7. Drive away

PROCEDURE FOR FEMALE CUSTOMERS:

1. Drive up to the ATM
2. Reverse back the required distance to align car with ATM
3. Re-start stalled engine
4. Open the car window
5. Find handbag, empty all contents onto the passenger seat and locate card
6. Turn radio down
7. Attempt to insert card into ATM
8. Open car door to allow easier access to ATM due to excessive distance between car and ATM
9. Insert card
10. Re-insert card the right way up
11. Ignore the sound of car horn from vehicle behind
12. Search contents of handbag (on passenger seat) to locate diary with PIN written on the inside back page under "Date of Birth"
13. Enter PIN
14. Press "cancel" and re-enter PIN
15. Enter amount of cash required and check make-up in rearview mirror
16. Drum fingertips on steering wheel for one minute, then look at ATM and press "enter"
17. Retrieve cash and receipt
18. Search contents of handbag (on passenger seat) to locate purse and place cash inside
19. Place receipt in back of cheque book
20. Re-check make-up
21. Drive forward two metres
22. Reverse back to ATM ignoring the sound of car horn from vehicle behind
23. Retrieve card
24. Search contents of handbag (on passenger seat) to locate card holder and place card in an empty slot
25. Drive two or three kilometres
26. Release hand brake

What's the one thing worse than a male chauvinist pig?
→ A woman who won't do what she's told.

There's a Space Shuttle mission to the moon with 2 monkeys and a woman on board.

The headquarters in the US calls: "Monkey #1, Monkey #1 report to coms for instructions."

He sits down and he is told to release the pressure in compartment 1, increase the temperature in engine 4 and to release oxygen to the reactors. So the monkey does the pressure, temperature, and releases the oxygen.

A few moments later headquarters calls again: "Monkey #2, Monkey #2 report to coms for instructions." He sits down and he is told to add Carbon Dioxide to room 4, to stop the fuel injection to engine 3, to add nitrogen to the fuel compartment and to analyse the solar radiation. So the monkey does the carbon dioxide, the fuel injection, the nitrogen and the analysis of solar radiation.

A little later on, headquarters calls again: "Woman, woman please report to coms for instructions." She sits down and just as she is about to be told what to do she says..... "I know, I know!! Feed the monkeys, and don't touch a damn thing."

A young woman on a rough Atlantic crossing was in her cabin undressing then suddenly she was overcome by sea sickness. In a panic she rushed into the corridor and headed for the bathroom. It was not until she collided with an elderly gentleman that she realized she didn't have a stitch of clothing on.

Horrified, she let out a shriek.

Her fellow sufferer looked at her sadly. "Don't let it bother you, miss," he moaned. "I'll never live to tell anyone."

The Seven Most Important Men in a Woman's Life

• The Doctor - who tells her to "take off all her clothes."
• The Dentist - who tells her to "open wide."
• The Milkman - who asks her "do you want it in the front or the back?"
• The Hairdresser - who asks her "do you want it teased or blown?"
• The Interior Designer - who tells her "once it's inside, you'll LOVE it!"
• The Banker - who insists to her "if you take it out too soon, you'll lose interest!"
• The Primal Hunter - who always goes deep into the bush, always shoots twice, always eats what he shoots, but keeps telling her "Keep quiet and lie still!"

What are the three fastest means of communication?
→ Internet Telephone Telawoman!

At a dinner party, several of the guests were arguing whether men or women were more trustworthy. "No woman," said one man, scornfully, "can keep a secret." "I don't know about that," huffily answered a woman guest. "I have kept my age a secret since I was twenty-one." "You'll let it out some day," the man insisted. "I hardly think so!" responded the lady. "When a woman has kept a secret for twenty-seven years, she can keep it forever."

One of the life's mysteries is how a two-pound box of candy can make a woman gain five pounds.

At a dinner party, several of the guests were arguing whether men or women were more trustworthy. "No woman," said one man, scornfully, "can keep a secret." "I don't know about that," huffily answered a woman guest. "I have kept my age a secret since I was twenty-one." "You'll let it out some day," the man insisted. "I hardly think so!" responded the lady. "When a woman has kept a secret for twenty-seven years, she can keep it forever."

What's long and hard and excites a girl when she's finally lucky enough to get on it?
→ The road to success!