Women Jokes — most commented jokes

Why can't girls play hockey?
→ Because they have to change their pads every period!

Women's Lifestyles Through the Ages

DRINK

• 17... Wine coolers
• 25... White wine
• 35... Red wine
• 48... Dom Perignon
• 66... Shot of Jack with an Ensure chaser

EXCUSES FOR REFUSING DATES

• 17... Need to wash my hair
• 25... Need to wash and condition my hair
• 35... Need to color my hair
• 48... Need to have Francois color my hair
• 66... Need to have Francois color my wig

FAVORITE SPORT

• 17... shopping
• 25... shopping
• 35... shopping
• 48... shopping
• 66... shopping

FAVORITE DRUG

• 17... shopping
• 25... shopping
• 35... shopping
• 48... shopping
• 66... shopping

DEFINITION OF A SUCCESSFUL DATE

• 17... "Burger King"
• 25... "Free meal"
• 35... "A diamond"
• 48... "A bigger diamond"
• 66... "Home Alone"

FAVORITE FANTASY

• 17... tall, dark and handsome
• 25... tall, dark and handsome with money
• 35... tall, dark and handsome with money and a brain
• 48... a man with hair
• 66... a man

HOUSE PET

• 17... Muffy the cat
• 25... Unemployed boyfriend and Muffy the Cat
• 35... Irish setter and Muffy the Cat
• 48... Children from his first marriage and Muffy the Cat
• 66... Retired husband who dabbles in taxidermy and stuffs Muffy the Cat

WHAT'S THE IDEAL AGE TO GET MARRIED?

• 17... 17
• 25... 25
• 35... 35
• 48... 48
• 66... 66

IDEAL DATE

• 17... He offers to pay
• 25... He pays
• 35... He cooks breakfast the next morning
• 48... He cooks breakfast the next morning for the kids
• 66... He can chew breakfast

Men's Lifestyles Through the Ages

DRINK

• 17... Beer
• 25... Beer
• 35... Scotch
• 48... Double scotch
• 66... Maalox

SEDUCTION LINE

• 17... My parents are away for the weekend.
• 25... My girlfriend is away for the weekend.
• 35... My fiancee is away for the weekend.
• 48... My wife is away for the weekend.
• 66... My second wife is dead.

FAVORITE SPORT

• 17... Sex
• 25... Sex
• 35... Sex
• 48... Sex
• 66... Napping

FAVORITE DRUG

• 17... Pot
• 25... Cocaine
• 35... Really good cocaine
• 48... Power
• 66... Advil

DEFINITION OF A SUCCESSFUL DATE

• 17... Cop a feel
• 25... Breakfast
• 35... She didn't set back my therapy
• 48... I didn't bump into her kids.
• 66... An actual erection

FAVORITE FANTASY

• 17... Third base
• 25... Airplane sex
• 35... Menage a trois
• 48... Taking her company public
• 66... Swiss maid and/or Nazi love slave

HOUSE PET

• 17... Roaches (to be burned later)
• 25... Old college roommate
• 35... Irish setter
• 48... Children from her first marriage
• 66... Barbi

THE IDEAL AGE TO GET MARRIED

• 17... 25
• 25... 35
• 35... 48
• 48... 66
• 66... 17

IDEAL DATE

• 17... Triple Stephen King feature at a drive-in
• 25... Split the check before we go back to my place
• 35... Just come over
• 48... Just come over and cook
• 66... Sex in the company jet on the way to Vegas to see Frank

It seems God noticed Adam was despondent. So the Lord God said, "Adam, come over here and sit down!". And Adam did so.

"Adam," spoke the Creator, "I see your countenance is fallen and you seem to feel rotten and lonely." Adam said nothing in response. "So," continued the Lord, "I am going to create an alternate person who will be with you!" Adam just looked puzzled but interested. "This person," said the Lord, "will take all the raw and tasteless food that you are currently ruining and will prepare wonderful, spicy, and tasty dishes." Adam looked grateful. "This person," said the Lord, "will be beautiful to behold and graceful and interesting to watch as she walks." Adam looked thoughtful. "This person," emphasized the Lord, "will be able to satisfy all those dreams that you currently are having!" Adam really looked relieved. "And, lastly," said the Lord, "She will obey your every whim and desire and order with cheerfulness." Adam was really impressed and finally spoke.

"O.K., Lord, but what is this going to cost me?" "An arm and a leg," said the Almighty.

"Well," Adam then said, "What can I get for a rib?"

What do a tampon and an Old Southern Debutant have in common?
→ They're both stuck up cunts!!

Once upon a time, a beautiful, independent, self assured princess happened upon a frog in a pond. The frog said to the princess, "I was once a handsome prince until an evil witch put a spell on me.

One kiss from you and I will turn back into a prince and then we can marry, move into the castle with my mom and you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children and forever feel happy doing so."

That night, while the princess dined on frog legs, she kept laughing and saying, "I don't think so."

Adam was wandering around the Garden of Eden feeling very lonely, when he heard a loud voice ask him, "What is wrong with you?" Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to, and he was feeling very lonely.

Then the loud voice said he was going to give him a companion and it would be a woman. The voice continued, saying; "this person will cook for you and wash your clothes, she will always agree with every decision you make. She will bear your children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them. She will not nag you, and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement. She will never have a headache, and will freely give you love and compassion whenever needed."

Adam thought that sounded great, so he asked "What would a woman like this cost me??"

The voice answered, "an arm and a leg."

Adam thought about that for a moment. He thought that would be a pretty high price to pay, so he then asked, "What can I get for just a rib???"

The rest is history . . .

Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring and good-looking?
→ Because all those men already have boyfriends.

What do you call a woman outside the kitchen?
→ A fugitive

TOP 10 REJECTION LINES GIVEN BY WOMEN (and what they actually mean)

10. I think of you as a brother.. (You remind me of that inbred banjo-playing geek in "Deliverance.")
11. There's a slight difference in our ages.. (I don't want to do my dad)
12. I'm not attracted to you in 'that' way.. (You are the ugliest dork I've ever laid eyes on.)
13. My life is too complicated right now.. I don't want you spending the whole night or else you may hear phone calls from all the other guys I'm seeing.)
14. I've got a boyfriend .. (I prefer my male cat and a half gallon of Ben and Jerry's)..
15. I don't date men where I work.. (I wouldn't date you if you were in the same 'solar system', much less the same building.)
16. It's not you, it's me.. (It's you.)
17. I'm concentrating on my career.. (Even something as boring and unfulfilling as my job is better than dating you.)
18. I'm celibate.. (I've sworn off only the men like you.)

and the number 1 rejection line given by women (and what it really means)

1. Let's be friends.. (I want you to stay around so I can tell you in excruciating detail about all the other men I meet and have sex with. It's that male perspective thing.)

What's worse than a male chauvinist pig?
→ A woman that won't do what she's told.