Travel Jokes — most commented jokes

• Soak your gloves and store them in the freezer after every use.
• Fasten a small, wide rubber band around the top half of your head before you go to bed each night.
• If you wear glasses, begin wearing them with glue smeared on the lenses.
• Throw away a hundred dollar bill - now.
• Find the nearest ice rink and walk across the ice 20 times in your ski boots carrying two pairs of skis, accessory bag and poles. Pretend you are looking for your car. Sporadically drop things.
• Place a small but angular pebble in your shoes, line them with crushed ice, and then tighten a C-clamp around your toes.
• Buy a new pair of gloves and immediately throw one away.
• Secure one of your ankles to a bed post and ask a friend to run into you at high speed.
• Go to McDonald's and insist on paying $8.50 for a hamburger. Be sure you are in the longest line.
• Clip a lift ticket to the zipper of your jacket and ride a motorcycle fast enough to make the ticket lacerate your face.
• Drive slowly for five hours - anywhere - as long as it's in a snowstorm and you're following an 18 wheeler.
• Fill a blender with ice, hit the pulse button and let the spray blast your face. Leave the ice on your face until it melts. Let it drip into your clothes.
• Dress up in as many clothes as you can and then proceed to take them off because you have to go to the bathroom.
• Slam your thumb in a car door. Don't go see a doctor.

Repeat all of the above every Saturday and Sunday until it's time for the real thing.

One day I go to Toronto and stay in a bigga hotel.

I go down to eat soma breakfast. I tella the waitress I wanna two pissa toast. She bring me only one piss.

I tella her I wanna two piss; she say, go to toilet - I say, you no understand, I wanna two piss on my plate. She say you betta no piss on plate, you sonna ma b*tch! I don't even know lady, she calla me somma ma b*tch.

Then I go to pharmacia with a cough. The man he give me candy ana tell me fa cough! - I don't even know man ana he tella me FA COUGH!

Later I got to eat soma lunch at Ricky's Place, the waitress she bring me spoon, a knife but no fock. I tella her I wanna fock - She tell me everybody wanna fock. I tella her, you no understand, I wanna fock on table. She say you betta not fock on table you sonna ma b*tch - I not even know lady ana she call me sonna ma b*tch.

So, I go back to my hotel room, an there's no sheet on my bed. I calla the manager and tella him I wanna sheet, he tell me go to toilet. So, I say, you no understand, I wanna sheet on bed. He say you betta not sheet on bed you sonna ma b*tch. I don't even know man ana he call me sonna ma b*tch!

I go to check out of hotel and man at desk say peace to you. I say peace on you too!, you sonna ma b*tch! - I GO BACK TO ITALY!!!

Three lawyers and three engineers were traveling by train to the same meeting. At the station, the lawyers each buy a ticket but the engineers buy just one. When asked why, the engineers coyly said "You'll see."

They all board the train, the lawyers taking seats, but the three engineers all crowding into the bathroom. After the train has left, the conductor comes around and takes the lawyers tickets and knocks on the bathroom door and says, "Ticket Please." An arm stretches out from the bathroom and the conductor takes the proffered ticket. The lawyers were very impressed.

On the return trip, the lawyers proposed to emulate the gearheads and bought only one ticket. To their amazement, the engineers bought no ticket at all. When asked, the engineers said, "You'll see."

All board the train and the lawyers and engineers cram into separate bathrooms to await the conductor. After a few minutes, one of the gearheads emerges from the bathroom, goes over to the lawyers' bathroom, knocks on the door and says: "Ticket please."

A swedish man was bored. He was bored with his work, bored with his life in general. He felt as there was nothing waiting for him in this life... ...until one day, in the breakfast table, he was reading the morning paper, when he saw an article, which would change his life. It said: "...

Scientist's had found out, that somewhere in Africa, one could still find tribes of genuine cavemen, untouched by civilization. Only thing needed was to find the correct cave and shout "Wohoo!!" and the tribe would answer to this call."

"This is it!" the swede thought. "This is what I've been waiting for! I'll sell everything I own, go to Africa, find these cavemen, and become rich and famous!"

And so he did. He sells everything, moves to Africa and starts looking for the tribe. But cave after cave after cave, no answer. No cavemen. Until one day, yet another cave, and another yell: "Juhuuu!!" And then he heard it! " WWOOOOUU WOOOOOO !!!! " "Härregud!" The Swede thought, "A whole tribe!" And just as he was starting to run to the cave, he thought: "Now wait a minute. These are cavemen. They don't wear any clothes, and I might scare then off." So he stripped his clothes off quickly, and started to run into the cave.

And the following day, he was in the headlines all over the world: "Naked Swede ran over by a train in Africa"

What's the difference between a Train and Teacher?
→ A train says, "Chew, Chew!" and a Teacher says, "Spit the gum out!"

- What makes Britain so strong?

- It's the two-party system. One big party on every friday and another big party on every saturday

Why do they always lock the bathroom doors at gas stations?
→ Are they afraid someone might clean them!?

Some years ago, on Times Square in NYC, I observed a native American, in full Indian regalia, feather head dress, buckskin clothes, etc.

As a pretty woman would walk by, he would raise his right hand, in an Indian greeting, and say "Wanna".

I watched this ritual for about 20 minutes, and I became more curious as he kept making these greetings. Finally, I couldn't resist any longer. I went up to the native American, and said, "I have been watching you, and I am confused. I thought that Indians say "How." He turned to me, obviously quite annoyed, and said...

"ME KNOW HOW...

ME TRYING TO FIND WOMAN WHO WANNA!!"

There were three priests in a railroad station, all wanting to go home to Pittsburg. Behind the ticket counter was a very, very shapely lass.

Well endowed, gorgeous, amazing. The priests were all in embarrassing new territory, so they drew straws to determine who would get the tickets.

The first priest approached the window. "Young lady," he began, "I would like three pickets to titsburg..." Whereupon he completely lost his composure and fled.

The second priest approached. "Young lady, I would like three tickets to Pittsburg," he began, "and I would like the change in nipples and dimes." So of course he also fled.

Then came the third. "Young lady, I would like three tickets to Pittsburg, and I would like the change in nickels and dimes. And I must say," he continued, "if you insist on dressing like that, when you get to the pearly gates, St. Finger's going to shake his peter at you!"

Why is Chicago called the Windy City?
→ Because the Bears blow!