Situations — most commented jokes

• 100 facecloths
• 25 darning needles
• any kind of keychain with something way too big to fit in pocket or purse
• bag of potting mix
• box of legal size hanging file folders
• bucket of sand
• cat door
• cellophane tape and staples
• dairy for 1991
• exquisitely wrapped house-brick
• framed photo of Richard Nixon (signed "all the best for 73 - Rich")
• globe
• hat rack
• his and hers dishwashing liquid.
• map of West Brazil
• mixer (for the non-cooking couple)
• mobile
• modern art sculpture (plastic one that resembled pile of poop)
• nicely wrapped ream of photocopy paper
• one shoe
• receipt book
• salad shooter (this one is a classic :-)
• silver plated yo-yo (my sister got one of these)
• spice rack
• step ladder
• towel/bathrobe with someone else's name on it.
• towrope
• triangular prism paperweight (we got one of these)

True Story about my 14 month old grandson, Alex:

We took him to the local mall shopping one day, and used a 'kiddy harness' to keep track of him, since he's an active little dickens and loves to walk and explore.

As we stood watching the marvel of the escalator, a teenager headed up the stairs and said, quite loudly, "Look at that kid, he looks like a little dog on a leash."

Alex promptly looked at him and said, "Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark!"

A young couple were on their honeymoon. The husband was sitting in the bathroom on the edge of the bathtub saying to himself, "Now how can I tell my wife that I've got really smelly feet and that my socks absolutely stink? I've managed to keep it from her while we were dating, but she's bound to find out sooner or later that my feet stink. Now how do I tell her?"

Meanwhile, the wife was sitting in the bed saying to herself, "Now how do I tell my husband that I've got really bad breath? I've been very lucky to keep it from him while we were courting, but as soon as he's lived with me for a week, he's bound to find out. Now how do I tell him gently?"

The husband finally plucks up enough courage to tell his wife and so he walks into the bedroom. He walks over to the bed, climbs over to his wife, puts his arm around her neck, moves his face very close to hers and says, "Darling, I've a confession to make." And she says, "So have I, love." To which he replies, "Don't tell me, you've eaten my socks!"

Once there was a millionaire who collected live alligators. He kept them in the pool in back of his mansion. The millionaire also had a beautiful daughter that was single.

One day he decides to throw a huge party, during the party he announces: "My dear guests, I have a proposition to every man here. I will give 1 million dollars or my daughter to the man that can swim across this pool full of alligators and emerge unharmed!"

As soon as he finished his last word there was the sound of a large splash! There was one guy in the pool swimming with all his might, the crowd cheered him on as he kept stroking. Finally, he made it to the other side unharmed.

The millionaire was impressed, he said, "My boy that was incredible! Fantastic! I didn't think it could be done! Well, I must keep my end of the bargain, which do you want my daughter or the 1 million dollars?"

The guy says, "Listen, I don't want your money! And I don't want your daughter! I want the person who pushed me in that water!"

As a couple sat in the living room, watching TV, the phone rang.

The husband picked it up, listened for a moment and then screamed, "Damn it! How should I know? Call the weather bureau!" and hung up.

"What was that all about?" wife asked.

"Awww, some idiot wanted to know whether the coast was clear!"

A husband and his wife advertised for a live-in maid to cook and do the housework. A likely-looking girl came in from the country, and they hired her. She worked out fine, was a good cook, was polite, and kept the house neat.

One day, after about six months, she came in and said she would have to quit. "But why?" asked the disappointed wife.

She hemmed and hawed and said she didn't want to say, but the wife was persistent, so finally she said, "Well, on my day off a couple of months ago I met this good-looking fellow from over in the next county, and well, I'm pregnant."

The wife said, "Look, we don't want to lose you. My husband and I don't have any children, and we'll adopt your baby if you will stay."

She talked to her husband; he agreed, and the maid said she would stay. The baby came, they adopted it, and all went well.

After several months though, the maid came in again and said that she would have to quit. The wife questioned her, found out that she was pregnant again, talked to her husband, and offered to adopt the baby if she would stay. She agreed, had the baby, they adopted it, and life went on as usual.

In a few months, however, she again said she would have to leave. Same thing. She was pregnant. They made the same offer, she agreed, and they adopted the third baby. She worked for a week or two, but then said, "I am definitely leaving this time."

"Don't tell me you're pregnant again?" asked the lady of the house. "No," she said, "there are just too many kids here to pick up after!"

"You know," a guy told his buddies, "I'm a lucky man.

I never realized how much my wife loved me until the other day when I had to stay home sick from work."

"What did she do?" someone asked.

"She was so happy to have me home," he said, "that every time someone came to the door, like the mailman or milkman, she'd shout, 'My husbands home! My husband's home!'"

A woman goes into a sporting goods store to buy a shotgun. "It's for my husband," she tells the clerk.

"Did he tell you what gauge to get?" asked the clerk.

"Are you kidding?" she says. "He doesn't even know that I'm going to shoot him!"

When the husband came home from his job, he found his wife crying. "Your mother insulted me, very much." she sobbed. "My mother? How could she do that when she's on a vacation on the other side of the world?"

"I know. But this morning, a letter addressed to you arrived. I opened it, because I was curious." "And?" "At the end of the letter, it was written: P.S. Dear Catherine, when you've read this letter, don't forget to give it to my son."

"I'd like to buy some gloves for my wife," the young man said, eyeing the attractive salesgirl, "but I don't know her size."

"Will this help?" she asked sweetly, placing her hand in his.

"Oh, yes," he answered. "Her hands are just slightly smaller that yours."

"Will there be anything else?" the salesgirl queried as she wrapped the gloves.

"Now that you mention it," he replied, "she also needs a bra and panties."