Situations — most commented jokes

When I die I want to go peacefully -- like my grandfather did -- In his sleep.

Not screaming like the passengers in his car.

ACTUAL PRODUCT INSTRUCTIONS:

• ON A HAIRDRYER: Do not use while sleeping.
• ON A BAG OF FRITOS: You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.
• ON A BAR OF DIAL SOAP: Directions: Use like regular soap.
• FROZEN DINNER SERVING SUGGESTION: Defrost.
• ON A HOTEL-PROVIDED SHOWER CAP IN A BOX: Fits one head.
• ON TESCO'S TIRIMISU DESERT: Do not turn upside down. (Printed on the bottom of the box.)
• ON MARKS & SPENCER BREAD PUDDING: Product will be hot after heating.
• ON PACKAGING FOR A ROWENTA IRON: Do not Iron clothes on body.
• ON BOOTS CHILDRENS COUGH MEDICINE: Do not drive car or operate machinery.
• ON NYTOL (A SLEEP AID): Warning: May cause drowsiness.
• ON A KOREAN KITCHEN KNIFE: Warning: Keep out of children.
• ON A STRING OF CHINESE MADE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS: For indoor or outdoor use only.
• ON A JAPANESE FOOD PROCESSOR: Not to be used for the other use.
• ON SAINSBURY'S PEANUTS: Warning: contains nuts
• ON AN AMERICAN AIRLINES PACKET OF NUTS: Instructions: open packet, eat nuts.
• ON A SWEDISH CHAINSAW: Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands.

The strong young man at the construction site was bragging that he could outdo anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case of making fun of one of the older workmen. After several minutes, the older worker had had enough.

"Why don't you put your money where your mouth is," he said.

"I will bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that outbuilding that you won't be able to wheel back."

"You're on, old man," the braggart replied. "Let's see what you got."

The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles.

Then, nodding to the young man, he said...

"All right. Get in."

I wish there was a knob on the TV to turn up the intelligence. There's a knob called 'brightness', but it doesn't work.

- Can you see farther during the day or at night?

- During the day of course.

- Wrong! During the day you can only see the sun but at night you can see the stars.

It seems a farm boy accidentally overturned his wagon-load of corn. The farmer who lived nearby heard the noise.

"Hey Willis!!" the farmer yelled. "Forget your troubles. Come in with us. Then I'll help you get the wagon up."

"That's mighty nice of you," Willis answered, "but I don't think Pa would like me to."

"Aw, come on," the farmer insisted.

"Well okay," the boy finally agreed, and added, "but Pa won't like it."

After a hearty dinner, Willis thanked his host. "I feel a lot better now, but I know Pa is going to be real upset."

"Don't be foolish!" the neighbor said with a smile. "By the way, where is he?"

"Under the wagon!"

What do you call four bullfighters in quicksand?
→ Quattro sinko.

There were three men sitting on a bench. Man1 asked the other two: "What do you want your family and friends to say at your funeral?". Man2 says, "I guess I'd want them to say I was a nice guy and I took care of my family".

Man3 says, "I'd want them to say things like that too".

Man1 said "Really? I'd want them to say... LOOK! HE'S MOVING!".

"Only in America"...

• can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance
• are there handicapped parking places in front of a skating rink
• do people order double cheese burgers, a large fry, and a diet coke
• do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters
• do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and leave useless things and junk in boxes in the garage
• do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place
• do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight
• do we use the word "politics" to describe the process so well: "poli" in latin meaning "many" and "tics" meaning "blood-sucking creatures".

There are four guys in the park who get arrested for blowing bubbles. In the court room one guy comes in, the judge says, "who are you and what are you charged with"??

"I'm duck and i got charged for blowing bubbles in the park".

2nd one comes in, "who are you and what are you charged with"?

"I'm duck duck and i was charged for blowing bubbles in the park".

3rd one comes in. "Who are you and what were you charged with"?

"I'm duck duck duck and i was charged for blowing bubbles in the park".

4th one comes in judge says "let me guess, your duck duck duck duck, and charged for blowing bubbles in the park?"

"NO, he says...

I'm bubbles!!".