Situations — most commented jokes

A chauffeur worked for a woman who took her cat with her on rides. During one trip, the driver droped her at a mall before he gasing up. The cat remained in the car, laying down on the top of the limousine's back seat.

The service station's attendant often glanced at unusual passenger. Finally, he asked: "Sir, is that cat someone important?"

There was a young Scottish boy called Angus who decided to try life in Australia. He found an apartment in a small block and settled in. After a week or two, his mother called from Aberdeen to see how her son was doing in his new life. 'I'm fine,' Angus said. 'But there are some really strange people living in these apartments. One woman cried all day long, another lies on her floor moaning, and there is a guy next door to me who bangs his head on the wall all the time.' 'Well, ma laddie,' says his mother, 'I suggest you don't associate with people like that.' 'Oh,' says Angus, 'I don't, Mam, I don't. No, I just stay inside my apartment all day and night, playing my bagpipes.'

There was once a Scotsman and an Englishman who lived next door to each other. The Scotsman owned a hen and each morning would look in his garden and pick up one of his hen's eggs for breakfast.

One day he looked outside and saw that the hen had laid an egg in the Englishman's garden. He was about to go next door when he saw the Englishman pick up the egg. The Scotsman ran up to the Englishman and told him that the egg belonged to him because he owned the hen. The Englishman disagreed because the egg was laid on his property.

They argued for a while until finally the Scotsman said, "In my family we normally solve disputes by the following actions: I punch you in the nose and note how long it takes you to recover, then you punch me in the nose and note how long it takes for me to recover, whomever recovers quicker wins the egg."

The Englishman agreed to this and so the Scotsman held the heaviest object he could find, took a few steps back, then ran toward the Englishman and punched him as hard as he could in the nose. The Englishman fell to the ground and was howling in agony and holding his nose for thirty minutes.

Eventually the Englishman stood up and said, "Now it's my turn to punch you."

The Scotsman said, "Keep the lousy egg."

You know your from Manitoba, Canada, when....

• You only know three spices - salt, pepper and ketchup.
• You design your Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit.
• The mosquitoes have landing lights.
• You have more miles on your snowblower than your car.
• You have 10 favourite recipes for moose meat.
• Canadian Tire on any Saturday is busier than the toy stores at Christmas.
• You live in a house that has no front step, yet the door is one meter above the ground.
• You've taken your kids trick-or-treating in a blizzard.
• Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled in with snow.
• You owe more money on your snowmobile than your car.
• The local paper covers national and international headlines on 1/4 page, but requires 6 pages for sports.
• At least twice a year, the kitchen doubles as a meat processing plant.
• The most effective mosquito repellent is a shotgun.
• Your snowblower gets stuck on the roof.
• You think the start of moose season is a national holiday.
• You head south to go to your cottage.
• You frequently clean grease off your barbeque so the bears won't prowl on your deck.
• You know which leaves make good toilet paper.
• The major parish fund-raiser isn't bingo - it's sausage making.
• You find -40C a little chilly.
• The trunk of your car doubles as a deep freezer.
• You attend a formal event in your best clothes, your finest jewelry and your Sorels.
• You can play road hockey on skates.
• You know 4 seasons - Winter, Still Winter, almost Winter and Construction.
• The municipality buys a Zamboni before a bus.
• You actually get these jokes and forward them to all your Northern friends.

An Arab diplomat visiting the U.S. for the first time was being wined and dined by the State Department. The Grand Emir was unused to the salt in American foods (french fries, cheeses, salami, anchovies etc.) and was constantly sending his manservant Abdul to fetch him a glass of water. Time and again, Abdul would scamper off and return with a glass of water, but then came the time when he returned empty-handed.

"Abdul, you son of an ugly camel, where is my water?" demanded the Grand Emir.

"A thousand pardons, O Illustrious One," stammered the wretched Abdul, "white man sit on well."

• Only in America...can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance...
• Only in America...are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink...
• Only in America...do people order double cheese burgers, a large fry, and a diet coke...
• Only in America...do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters...
• Only in America...do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and leave useless things and junk in boxes in the garage...
• Only in America...do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place...
• Only in America...do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight...
• Only in America...do we use the word "politics" to describe the process so well: "Poli" in latin meaning "many" and "tics" meaning "blood-sucking creatures"...

Facts about Americans. Did you know that . . .

• Only 30% of us can flare our nostrils.
• 21% of us don't make our bed daily. 5% of us never do.

• Men do 29% of laundry each week.
• Only 7% of women trust their husbands to do it correctly.
• 40% of women have hurled footwear at a man.
• 67.5% of men were tightie whities (briefs).
• 3 out of 4 of us store our dollar bills in rigid order with singles leading up to higher denominations.
• 13% of us admit to occassionally doing our offspring's homework.
• 91% of us lie regularly.
• 27% admit to cheating on a test or quiz.
• 29% admit they've intentionally stolen something from a store.
• 50% admit they regularly sneak food into movie theaters to avoid the high prices of snack foods.
• 90% believe in divine retribution.
• 10% believe in the 10 Commandments.
• 82% believe in an afterlife.
• 45% believe in ghosts.
• 13% (mostly men) have spent a night in jail.
• 58.4% have called into work sick when we weren't.
• 10% of us switch tags in the store to pay less for an item.

• Over 50% believe in spanking - but only a child over 2 years old.
• 35% give to charity at least once a month.

How far would you go for $10 million?

• 25% would abandon their friends, family, and church.
• 7% would murder.
• 69% eat the cake before the frosting.

• When nobody else is around, 47% drink straight from the carton.
• 85% of us will eat Spam this year.
• 70% of us drink orange juice daily.

• Snickers is the most popular candy.
• 22% of us skip lunch daily.
• 9% of us skip breakfast daily.
• 66% of us eat cereal regularly.
• 22% of all restaurant meals include french fries.
• 14% of us eat the watermelon seeds.

• Only 13% brush our teeth from side to side.
• 45% use mouthwash every day.
• 22% leave the glob of toothpaste in the sink.

• The typical shower is 101 degrees F.
• Nearly 1/3 of U.S. women color their hair.
• 9% of women and 8% of men have had cosmetic surgery.
• 53% of women will not leave the house without makeup on.
• 58% of women paint their nails regularly.
• 33% of women lie about their weight.
• 10% of us claim to have seen a ghost.
• 57% have had deja vu.
• 49% believe in ESP.
• 44% have broken a bone.

• Only 30% of us know our cholesterol level.
• 14% have attended a self-help meeting.
• 15% regularly go to a shrink.
• 78% would rather die quickly than live in a retirement home.
• 30% of us refuse to sit on a public toilet seat.
• 54.2% of us always wash our hands after using the toilet.
• 39% of us peek in our host's bathroom cabinet.
• 17% have been caught by the host.
• 29% of us ignore RSVP.
• 71.6% of us eavesdrop.
• 22% are functionally illiterate.

• Less than 10% are trilingual.
• 37% claim to know how to use all the features on their VCR.
• 53% prefer ATM machines over tellers.
• 56% of women do the bills in a marriage.
• 2 out of 3 of us wouldn't give up their spouse even for a night for a million U.S. dollars.
• 20% of us have played in a band at one time in our life.
• 40% of us have had music lessons.
• 44% reuse tinfoil.
• 57% save pretty gift paper to reuse.
• 66% of women and 59% of men have used a mix to cook and taken credit for doing it from scratch.
• 53% read their horoscopes regularly.
• 16% of us have forgotten our own wedding anniversary (mostly men).
• 59% of us say we're average-looking.

• Blacks are more than twice as likely to call themselves beautiful.
• 90% of us depend on alarm clocks to wake us.
• 53% of us would take advice from Anne Landers.
• 51% of adults dress up for a Halloween festivity.

• On average, we send 38 Christmas cards every year.
• 20% of women consider their parents to be their best friends.
• 2 out of 5 have married their first love.

• The biggest cause of matrimonial fighting is money.

• Only 4% asked the parents' approval for their bride's hand.
• 1 in 5 men proposed on his knees.
• 6% propose over the phone.
• 71% can drive a stick-shift car.
• 45% of us consistantly follow the speed limit.
• 2/3 of us speed up at a yellow light.
• 1/3 of us don't wear seat belts.
• 12% of men never use their car blinkers.
• 44% of men tailgate to speed up the person in front of them.
• 25% of us drive after we've been drinking.
• 4 out of 5 sing in the car.

A Texan, while visiting Toronto, found himself in the back seat of a taxi cab on the way to his hotel. Passing by the Royal York the Texan asked the cab driver "What's that building there?"

"That's the Royal York Hotel" replied the cabbie.

"The Royal York? How long did it take to build that?" asked the Texan.

"About 12 years" replied the cabbie.

"12 years? We build 'em twice as high, twice as wide and four times as long down in Texas, and we do that in six months."

A while later the cab driver makes his was past the Metro-Toronto Convention Centre. "What's that building over there?" asked the Texan.

"That's the Metro-Toronto Convention Centre" replied the cabbie.

"Convention Centre? How long'd it take to build that?" asked the Texan.

"About three years" replied the cabbie.

"Three years? We build 'em twice as high, three times as long and four times as wide as that down in Texas, and it only takes us about two weeks."

Shortly thereafter the cabbie drives past the CN Tower. "What's that building there?" asks the Texan, pointing at the tower.

"Danged if I know" replied the cabbie, "It wasn't here when I drove by yesterday."

My computer broke down.
It crashed and burned!
And for my AOL,
I really yearned!

I tried to stay busy...
And keep it off my mind.
It was worse than cigarettes,
at least butts I can find!!

So I went to Wal-Mart,
and got on their pc.
The cashier in electronics
was staring at me.

But I didn't care.
I had to get on line!
Check my mail,
and see what buddies I can find.

I drew a crowd
as I began to cry.
I couldn't find the password
no matter how hard I tried!

I need my AOL!!
I got to have my fix!!
Go to my favorite places,
check out some cool pics.

The cashier called Security!
I heard her whisper low,
"We have ourselves a Psycho here
and she has got to go!"

Security rushed over.
Not long did he stall.
Obviously he has never suffered
from AOL withdrawal.

He slapped cuffs on my wrists
and threw me out the door!
Then he looked at me and said,
"Don't come round here no more!"

I feel so embarrassed!!
I have sunk so low!
To be kicked out of Wal-Mart....
How low can I go?

So I'll try really hard now
to rid myself of this affliction.
Get rid of these bad habits
and my AOL addiction!

The Information Highway Blues

My baby's got my 486.
My cellular phone's on the blink.
My fax's gone off to fax heaven,
And Pay For View stinks.
I got the blues,
I got the Information Highway bluuuuues.
I got the bluuuuues,
I got the Information Highway blues.

I lost my account on the Internet.
My email's been revoked.
My modem's stuck at 300 baud,
And my terminal just blinks.
I got the blues,
I got the Information Highway bluuuuues.
I got the bluuuuues,
I got the Information Highway blues.

My head spins from Virtual Reality.
I don't have Video on demand.
I can't read my Personal Newspaper,
And Shop At Home has kinks.
I missed the on-ramp, to the Information Highway bluuuues.
I missed the onnnn-ramp, to the Information Highway blues.

Jack "Blues" Jung, Toronto, September 1994.