Situations — most commented jokes

Many folks have written with perfectly plausible explanations about why merchants take my phone number on a credit card charge. What these fail to address, however, is that if I'm perpetrating a fraud in the use of this credit card, I'm not about to give out a correct phone number. They make no effort to validate the phone number before I leave, so what they're doing is collecting the phone numbers of a bunch of honest people.

Now then... Why are they collecting the phone numbers of a bunch of honest people?

I once asked why you are asked for your phone number when using your charge cards. The clerk explained that theives have been caught because they stupidly put down THEIR home phone number, not the phone number of the person who "owned" the card.

The following appeared on the back page of one of Australia's more outrageous computer publications, "Computing Australia", 21st Sept 1987:

... Blame it on the computer.

An unfriendly computer has been held responsible for a "potentially lethal error" involving a Mafia loan collector.

A New York paper inadvertently put the `heavy' in the running for a pair of custom-fitted concrete shoes when it identified him as a "ruthless informer".

According to a published retraction (and apology!), a writer on the paper had actually typed "ruthless enforcer" - but the computer system's spelling checker liked it the other way.

And I thought the worst you could expect from a "computer error" was a bill for a million dollars!

LOS ANGELES TIMES, September 14:
According to a database maintained by Academic Guidance Services, there are 3,000 scholarships earmarked for golf caddies, newspaper carriers, glee clubbers, and band members.

Juanita College in Pennsylvania gives grants to needy left-handers.

Parents whose children were born on June 12, 1979 can plan ahead to apply for a scholarship to the Rochester Institute of Technology in honor of the school's 150th anniversary.

Bucknell University gives grants to students who do not use alcohol, tobacco, or narcotics and don't engage in strenuous activities.

A judge in Seattle uses the fines he collects from prostitutes to finance scholarships for their reformed sisters who want to return to school.

On Saturday last, I had dinner at a local Chinese restaurant. My fortune read:
"You will gain admiration from your pears."

Comice? Bartlett? Canned? I don't grow or eat them, anyway.

The "Environmental Engineering News" published some rather sobering information about punishment for drunk driving convictions in other countries.

• In Australia, the names of drunk drivers are printed in newspapers under the caption, "He's drunk and in jail."
• In Malaysia the driver is jailed and, if married, the spouse is jailed.
• In the United Kingdom, Finland and Sweden there's an automatic jail term of one year.
• In Turkey, drunk drivers are driven twenty miles out of town and forced to walk back ten miles.
• In Bulgaria, a second drunk-driving conviction results in capital punishment.
• In El Salvador, your first offense is your last -- execution by firing squad.

From the August Road & Track.

According to "The Australian," an airliner recently encountered severe vibration in flight.

The captain decided to make an emergency landing, and switched on the seat belt sign.

The vibration stopped immediately.

A passenger emerged from a lavatory and explained that he had been jogging in place inside.

This last weekend I was reminded at the pace we are converting to metric. I was on I-75 in Ohio when I saw a sign that said:

All signs metric
Next 20 miles

Phone Company Gives Something for Nothing

Dear Ann,
I think I can top the person who wrote complaining about the idiocy of the phone company. Talk about garbage in, garbage out!

When AT&T split with Bell, we had three phones in our house. The equipment belonged to Ma Bell and the service belonged to AT&T. After we returned all the phone equipment to Ma Bell, we received a bill for $0.00. A few weeks later, we received a check for $5 and a note thanking us. Several months later, we received another computerized bill for $0.00. We called again, got nowhere, so we sent another check for $0.00. A few weeks later we received another $5 refund with the same thank you.

This went on every three months for two years. Now we are down to once a year and have given up trying to straighten this out. We just cash the $5 and forget about it.

Linda K. R. in California

A normally sweet Great Dane Psil has one quirk: she hates United Parcel Service drivers.

While walk Psil one day, around the corner of a house came a UPS man.

Struggling to keep hold of Psil, the owner tried to ease the situation said, "As you can see, he just loves UPS men."

"Don't you feed her anything else?" he responded.

Working at a theater box-office ticket window poses many challenges in dealing with people.

When a disgruntled customer at a window exclaimed, "No Tickets? What do you mean NO TICKETS?"

The women waiting on him smiled sweeting. "I'm terribly sorry, sir," she replied. "Which word didn't you understand?"