Random joke from this category
The proud owner of an impressive new clock was showing it off to a friend. 'This clock,' he said, 'will go for 14 days without winding.'
'Really?' replied his friend, 'And how long will it go if you do wind it?'
Why are there so many Johnson in the phone book?
→ They all have phones.
- Caller: Operator! Operator! I don't know what's wrong with my phone, but I can't make long distance calls any longer!
- Operator: Don't worry. Your long distance calls are long enough already!
- Party Host: Hello?
- Phone Caller: I'm trying to reach a Ms. Nidiot. Her first name is Ima. Could you please ask if anybody at your party knows her?
- Party Host: I'd be glad to. Please hold on. (shouts) Excuse me, but does anybody know Ima Nidiot?
What did the man say when he got a big phone bill?
→ "Who said talk is cheap?"
- Mother: Why was the phone busy all night?
- Babysitter: The fire department put me on hold.
- Who was that on the phone, Fred?
- Fred: No one important. Just some man who said it was long distance from Australia, so I told him I knew that already and put the phone down!
A dinner speaker was in such a hurry to get to his engagement that when he arrived and sat down at the head table, he suddenly realized that he had forgotten his false teeth. Turning to the man next to him he said, "I forgot my teeth." The man said, "No problem." He reached into his pocket and pulled out a pair of false teeth.
"Try these," he said. The speaker tried them. "Too loose," he said.
The man then said, "I have another pair - try these."
The speaker tried them and responded, "Too tight." The man was not taken back at all. He then said, "I have one more pair. Try them."
The speaker said, "They fit perfectly."
With that he ate his meal and gave his speech.
After the dinner meeting was over, the speaker went over to thank the man who had helped him. "I want to thank you for coming to my aid. Where is your office? I've been looking for a good dentist." The man replied, "I'm not a dentist. I'm an undertaker."
Two men were walking home after a Halloween party and decided to take a shortcut through the cemetery just for laughs. Right in the middle of the cemetery they were startled by a tap-tap-tapping noise coming from the misty shadows. Trembling with fear, they found an old man with a hammer and chisel, chipping away at one of the headstones.
"Holy cow, Mister," one of them said after catching his breath, "You scared us half to death -- we thought you were a ghost! What are you doing working here so late at night?"
"Those fools!" the old man grumbled. "They misspelled my name!"
The seven dwarves are down in the mines when there is a cave-in. Snow White runs to the entrance and yells down to them. In the distance a voice shouts out "Charlton are good enough to win the European Cup." Snow White says "Well at least Dopey's alive!"
