Sex Jokes — most commented jokes

Why do men masturbate?
→ Because they want to have sex with someone they love.

A Sailor is sitting at a bar one night and is chatting it up with a beautiful blonde. After some drinks she starts to cry and tell him the sad story that she is Polish and misses home terribly but can't afford to buy a ticket to go home.

The sailor tells her his profession and makes a deal with her:

- I'll hide you away on my ship on one condition. You have to have sex with me when I ask.

She hugs him, crys and agrees. So late that night they sneak on to his ship and he hides her in a big life boat with a canvas cover. He tells her he'll bring her food and water and she'll just have to stay hidden because she'll be in big trouble if she's caught.

So for the next three weeks he brings her rations every day and sleeps with her every night.

Finally one day the captain is strolling on deck, sees something suspicious and lifts the cover discovering the girl. He yells:

- STOWAWAY!

Scared she explains:

- Dont be mad at me sir. One of your sailors stowed me away to take me home to Poland, and is having sex with me for payment!

- No kidding? Lady... this is the Staten Island Ferry!

At 85 years of age, a somewhat senile Morris marries Luanne, a lovely 25-year-old.

Because her new husband is so old, Luanne decides that on their wedding night, she and Morris should have separate bedrooms. The newlywed is concerned that her new husband may over exert himself if they spend the entire night together.

After the wedding festivities, Luanne prepares herself for bed, and for the expected "knock" on the door.

Sure enough, the knock comes, the door opens, and there is her 85-year-old groom, ready for action. They unite as one. All goes well, whereupon Morris takes leave of Luanne, and she prepares to go to sleep.

After a few minutes, Luanne hears another knock on her bedroom door. It's Morris! And he's again ready for more action. Somewhat surprised, Luanne consents to further coupling. When the newlyweds are done, Morris kisses Luanne, bids her a fond good night, and leaves. Luanne is set to go to sleep again.

However, after a few short minutes, there is another knock at her door, and there he is again... Morris, as fresh as a 25-year-old and ready for a bit more action. And again they enjoy one another.

As Morris is once again set to leave, the young bride says to him:

- I am thoroughly impressed that at your age, honey, you have enough juice to go at it three times. I've been with guys less than a third your age who were only good once. You're a great lover, Morris!

Morris, looking somewhat befuddled, turns to Luanne and says:

- WHAT?... You mean I was here already?!

A man goes to the doctor after feeling ill.

The doctor says:

- You know, you should have come to see me sooner. Unfortunately you have waited too long and you are going to die this evening.

The man is distraught and wonders how he is going to tell his wife. Well, he tells her and she takes it pretty well:

- Honey, this is going to be a night that you will always remember - she says

- I am going to treat you like a king!

She prepares a scrumptious gourmet dinner with wine, candles-the works. After dinner she slips away and returns in the most incredible negligee the man has ever seen.

She leads him into their bedroom. They make the most passionate love they have ever made. The man is beside himself. Once done, the wife rolls over to go to sleep knowing she kept her promise.

Well, the husband is wide-awake watching the clock. He knows that he is doomed. He taps her:

- Honey? - he whispers.

She rolls over and again proceeds to make love. Again when they were done she rolls over and he taps her. She is getting cranky, but under the circumstances she grants her husband's dying wishes. Finally the wife rolls over and begins to snore.

Well, the man decides to tap her again:

- Honey? - he whispers.

She rolls over and yells:

- Oh sure!... You're not the one that has to get up in the morning!!!

I wish you were a door so I could bang you all day long.

(Lick finger and wipe on shirt) Let's get you out of these wet clothes.

Nice legs....what time do they open?

Do you work for UPS? I thought I saw you checking out my package.

You've got 206 bones in your body, want 1 more?

I'm a bird watcher and I'm looking for a BIG BREASTED BED THRASHER, have you seen one?

I'm fighting the urge to make you the happiest women on earth tonight.

Oh, I'm sorry, I thought that was a Braille name tag.

I'd really like to see how you look when I'm naked.

Is that a ladder in you stockings or the stairway to heaven?

You must be the limp doctor because I've got a stiffy.

I'd walk a million miles for one of your smiles, and even farther for that thing you do with your tongue.

You know, if I were you, I'd have sex with me.

You. Me. Whipped cream. Handcuffs. Any questions?

Do you believe in love at first sight or should I walk by again?

Hi, I'm Mr. Right. Someone said you were looking for me.

My friend wants to know if YOU think I'm cute?

A married man decided to work late to be with his sexy secretary, so he called his wife to make up an excuse.

After work he invited his secretary to dinner. It soon became obvious that he was going to get lucky, so the two went back to her apartment and had great sex for two hours.

Afterward the fellow went to the bathroom to straighten up for the trip home and noticed a huge hickey on his neck.

He panicked, wondering what he was going to tell his wife.

After the man unlocked his front door, his dog came bounding to greet him. Aha, the man thought, and promptly fell to the carpet, pretending to fight off the affectionate animal.

Holding his neck with one hand, he said:

- Honey, look what the dog did to my neck!

- Hell, that's nothing - she answered, ripping open her blouse.

- Look what he did to my tits!

An old man of ninety was sitting on a park bench crying. A policeman noticed this and asked him why he was crying.

- Well - says the old fellow - I just got married to a twenty-five year old woman. Every morning she makes me a wonderful breakfast, and we have then have fun together laughing and relaxing. In the afternoon she makes me a wonderful lunch and then we make fun together laughing and relaxing again. At dinner time she makes me a wonderful supper and then we relax more and enjoy ourselves.

The policeman looks at the old man and says:

- You shouldn't be crying! You should be the happiest man in the world!

So the old man says:

- I know! I'm crying because I don't remember where I live!

Sheri, the pert and pretty nurse took her troubles to a resident psychiatrist in the hospital where she worked:

- Doctor, you must help me - she pleaded.

- It's gotten so that every time I date one of the young doctors here, I end up dating him. And then afterward, I feel guilty and depressed for a week.

- I see - nodded the psychiatrist.

- And you, no doubt, want me to strengthen your will power and resolve in this matter.

- NO!!! - exclaimed the nurse.

- I want you to fix it so I won't feel guilty and depressed afterward!

The woman seated herself in the psychiatrists office.

- What seems to be the problem? - the doctor asked.

- Well, I, uh, - she stammered.

- I think I, uh, might be a nymphomaniac.

- I see - he said.

- I can help you, but I must advise you that my fee is $80 an hour.

- That's not bad - she replied.

- How much for all night?

The woman seated herself in the psychiatrists office.

- What seems to be the problem? - the doctor asked.

- Well, I, uh - she stammered.

- I think I, uh, might be a nymphomaniac.

- I see - he said.

- I can help you, but I must advise you that my fee is $80 an hour.

- That's not bad - she replied.

- How much for all night?