Sex Jokes — most commented jokes

What is the difference between a paycheque and a penis?
→ You don't have to beg your wife to blow your paycheque!

A huge muscular man walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender hands him the beer and says, "You know, I'm not gay but I want to compliment you on your physique, it really is phenomenal! I have a question though, why is your head so small?"

The big guy nods slowly. He's obviously fielded this question many times.

"One day," he begins, "I was hunting when I got lost in the woods. I heard someone crying for help and finally realized that it was coming from a frog sitting next to a stream."

So I picked up the frog and it said, "Kiss me. Kiss me and I will turn into a genie and grant you 3 wishes."

So I looked around to make sure I was alone and gave the frog a kiss. POOF! The frog turned into a beautiful, voluptuous, naked woman.

She said, "You now have 3 wishes."

I looked down at my scrawny 115 pound body and said, "I want a body like Arnold Schwarzenneger."

She nodded, whispered a spell, and POOF! there I was, so huge that I ripped out of my clothes and was standing there naked!

She then asked, "What will be your second wish?"

I looked hungrily at her beautiful body and replied, "I want to make sensuous love with you here by this stream." She nodded, laid down, and beckoned to me. We then made love for hours!

Later, as we lay there next to each other, sweating from our glorious lovemaking, she whispered into my ear, "You know, you do have one more wish. What will it be?"

I looked at her and replied, "How about a little head?"

1. Which sexual position produces the ugliest children? Ask your mother.
2. How do you embarrass an archeologist? Give him a tampon and ask him which period it came from.
3. What's the difference between a bitch and a whore? A whore sleeps with everybody at the party, and a bitch sleeps with everybody at the party except you.
4. What's the difference between love, true love, and showing off? Spitting, swallowing, and gargling.
5. What's the difference between a Catholic wife and a Jewish wife? A Catholic wife has real orgasms and fake jewelry.
6. What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying? The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.
7. What is the biggest problem for an atheist? No one to talk to during orgasm.
8. What do you call an Amish guy with his hand up a horse's ass? A mechanic.
9. Who is the most popular guy at the nudist colony? The guy who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen donuts.
10. Who is the most popular girl at the nudist colony? She is the one who can eat the last donut.
11. Jewish dilemma: Free PORK.
12. The three words most hated by men during sex: "Are you in?"
13. The three words women hate to hear when having sex: "Honey, I'm home!"
14. Why do men take showers instead of baths? Pissing in the bath is disgusting.
15. Do you know why they call it the Wonder Bra? When you take it off, you wonder where her tits went.

What do you call a cupboard full of lesbians?
→ A licker cabinet.

What do you call an Eskimo lesbian?
→ A Klondyke.

What do you call 100 lesbians with guns?
→ Militia Etheridge.

Why can't lesbians diet and wear make-up at the same time?
→ Because they can't eat Jenny Craig with Mary Kay on their face.

Why do lesbians like to be reincarnated as whales?
→ So they can have 10 foot tongues and breathe out of the tops of their heads.

What do you call 2 lesbians in a canoe?
→ Fur Traders.

What is a lesbian dinosaur called?
→ A Lickalotapuss.

What do you call a lesbian with long fingers?
→ Well Hung.

What do two lesbians do when they are having their periods?
→ Fingerpaint.

What do lesbians call an open can of tuna?
→ POTPOURRI.

What did the lesbian vampire say to her partner?
→ See you next month.

Did you hear that Ellen Degeneres drowned?
→ She was found face down in Ricki Lake.

How can you tell a tough lesbian bar?
→ Even the pool table doesn't have balls.

Do you know what drag is?
→ It's when a man wears everything a lesbian won't.

What do you call lesbian twins?
→ Lick-a-likes.

How can you tell if a lesbian is butch?
→ She kick-starts her vibrator and rolls her own tampons.

What's the definition of confusion?
→ Twenty blind lesbians in a fish market.

What's the difference between a ritz cracker and a lesbian?
→ One's a snack cracker, the other a crack snacker!

Which sexual position produces the ugliest children?
→ Ask your mother.

How do you embarrass an archeologist?
→ Give him a used tampon and ask him which period it came from.

What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend?
→ Wiped his ass.

What's the difference between oral sex & anal sex?
→ Oral sex makes your day, anal sex makes your hole weak.

What's the difference between a bitch and a whore?
→ A whore sleeps with everybody at the party, and a bitch sleeps with everybody at the party except you.

What's the difference between love, true love, and showing off?
→ Spitting, swallowing and gargling

What's so good about an Ethiopian blow job?
→ You know she'll swallow.

What's the difference between a Catholic wife and a Jewish wife?
→ A Catholic wife has real orgasms and fake jewelry.

How many mice does it take to screw in a light bulb?
→ Two. The hard part is getting them in the light bulb.

When is a pixie not a pixie?
→ When he's got his head up a fairy's skirt, then he's a goblin.

What's the definition of a Yankee?
→ Same thing as a "quickie," only you do it yourself.

What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
→ The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

What is the biggest problem for an atheist?
→ No one to talk to during orgasm.

What do you call a smart blonde?
→ A golden retriever.

What do you call an Amish guy with his hand up a horse's ass?
→ A mechanic!

Who is the most popular guy at the nudist colony?
→ The guy who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen donuts.

Who is the most popular girl at the nudist colony?
→ She is the one who can eat the last donut!

How can you tell which is the head nurse?
→ The one with the dirty knees.

What is the difference between a battery and a woman?
→ A battery has a positive side.

A brunette, a blonde, and a redhead are all in third grade: Who has the biggest tits?
→ The blonde, because she's 18.

Why do men snore when they lay on their backs?
→ Because their balls fall over their asshole and they vapor lock.

The three words most hated by men during sex?
→ "Are you In?" or "Is It In?"

Three words women hate to hear when having sex
→ "Honey, I'm home!"

Why do men take showers instead of baths?
→ Pissing in the bath is disgusting.

Did you hear about the new paint called "Blonde" paint?
→ It's not very bright, but it spreads easy.

Do you know why they call it the Wonder Bra?
→ When you take it off you wonder where her tits went..

When I die, I want to die like my grandfather who died peacefully in his sleep.
→ Not screaming like all the passengers in his car.

How can you tell a macho women?
→ She rolls her own tampons.

What's the leading cause of death among lesbians?
→ Hair balls.

What's good on a pizza, but bad on a pussy?
→ Crust.

Why does Miss Piggy douche with honey?
→ Because Kermit loves sweet and sour pork.

what did the hurricane say to the coconut tree?
→ Hold on to your nuts, this ain't no ordinary blow-job...

Did you hear about the queer burglar?
→ He couldn't blow the safe do he went down on the elevator...

Why is it so groovy to be a test tube baby?
→ Because you get a womb with a view...

Why are eggs so frusterated?
→ Because they only get laid once, they only get eaten once, and you've gotta boil them to get them hard...

Where do you get virgin wool?
→ From ugly sheep...

What did Adam say to Eve?
→ Stand back, I don't know how big this thing gets...

Did you hear about the deaf gynecoligist?
→ He had to learn how to read ilps...

Why are chickens so ugly?
→ You'd be ugly too if you had a pecker hanging out your forehead...

Why do hummingbirds hum?
→ Cause they dont know the words...

Where are an elephant's sex organs?
→ In his feet- if he steps on you you're fucked...

How do you tell if a woman is wearing pantyhose?
→ If she farts, her ankles will swell...

What's the ulitmate rejection?
→ When you're masturbating and your hand falls asleep...

How do you know when an elephant's been fucking in your garage?
→ Your Hefty bags are missing...

A young wife, her boorish husband and a good-looking sailor were ship-wrecked on an island and had already been there for awhile.

One morning the sailor climbed a tall coconut tree and yelled - "Stop fucking her down there!"

"What's the matter with you?" asked the husband after the sailor came back down. "We weren't doing anything."

"Sorry," said the sailor. "from up there it looked like you were."

Every morning after that, the sailor scaled the small tree and yelled the same thing. Finally, the husband decided to climb the tree and see for himself. With great difficulty, he made his way to the top.

"By golly, he's right," said the husband. "It DOES look like they're fucking down there!"

1. I wish you were a door so I could slam you all day.
2. Nice legs...what time do they open?
3. Do you work for UPS? I thought I saw you checking out my package.
4. You've got 206 bones in your body, want one more?
5. Can I buy you a drink or do you just want the money?
6. I may not be the best looking guy in here, but I'm the only one talking to you.
7. I'm a bird watcher and I'm looking for a Big Breasted Bed Thrasher: have you seen one?
8. I'm fighting the urge to make you the happiest woman on earth tonight.
9. Want to play army? I'll lay down and you can blow the hell outta me.
10. I wish you were a Pony Carousel outside Superdrug, so I could ride you all day long for a quarter.
11. Oh, I'm sorry, I thought that was a Braille name tag.
12. I'd really like to see how you look when I'm naked.
13. Is that a ladder in your stockings or the stairway to heaven?
14. You might not be the best looking girl here, but beauty is only a light switch away.
15. Are those real?
16. You must be the limp doctor because I've got a stiffy.
17. I'd walk a million miles for one of your smiles, and even farther for that thing you do with your tongue.
18. If it's true that we are what we eat, then I could be you by morning.
19. (Look down at your crotch) Well It's not just going to suck itself.
20. You know, if I were you, I'd have sex with me.
21. You. Me. Whipped cream. Handcuffs. Any questions?
22. F@# me if I'm wrong, but is your name Sherry Titsbottom?
23. Those clothes would look great in a crumpled heap on my bedroom floor.
24. My name is (name)...remember that, you'll be screaming it later.
25. Do you believe in love at first sight or should I walk by again?
26. Hi, I'm Mr. Right. Someone said you were looking for me.
27. My friend wants to know if YOU think I'M cute.
28. Hi. The voices in my head told me to come over and talk to you.
29. My name isn't Elmo, but you can tickle me anytime you want to.
30. I know milk does a body good, but DAMN, how much have you been drinking?
31. If you were the last woman and I was the last man on earth, I bet we could do it in public.
32. Wanna come over for some pizza and sex? No? Why? Don't you like pizza?
33. Baby, I'm an American Express lover...you shouldn't go home without me.
34. Do you sleep on your stomach? Can I???
35. Do you wash your pants in Windex? Because I can see myself in them.
36. I lost my puppy. Can you help me find him? I think he went into this cheap motel room.
37. (Lick finger and wipe on her shirt) Let's get you out of these wet clothes.

A Priest, a Nun, and a Camel are crossing the desert.

The camel falls dead.

"Before I die," the father says, "I would like to see a woman naked." So the nun takes off all her clothes.

She then says, "Before I die I would like to see a man naked." So the father takes off his clothes. She looks at his penis and says, "My God!! What is that for?"

He says "You stick it in a hole and it brings forth life."

The nun replies, "Then how about you stick it up that camels ass and let's get the hell out of here!"

Which condom would you use....

• Nike Condoms: Just do it.
• Toyota Condoms: Oh what a feeling.
• Diet Pepsi Condoms: You got the right one, baby.
• Pringles Condoms: Once you pop, you can't stop.
• Mentos Condoms: The freshmaker.
• Flintstones Vitamins Condom Pack: Ten million strong and growing.
• Secret Condoms: Strong enough for a man, but made for a woman.
• Macintosh Condoms: It does more, it costs less, its that simple.
• Ford Condoms: The best never rest.
• Chevy Condoms: Like a rock.
• Dial Condoms: Aren't you glad you use it? Don't you wish everybody did?
• New York Lotto Condoms: Cause hey-- you never know.
• California Lotto Condoms: Who's next?
• Avis Condoms: Trying harder than ever.
• KFC Condoms: Finger-Licking Good.
• Coca Cola Condoms: Always a Real Thing.
• Lays Condoms: Betcha can't have just one.
• Cambells Soup Condoms: Mm, mm good.
• The Carl's Jr. Condom: If it doesn't get all over the place, it doesn't belong in your face...
• General Electric: We bring good things to life!
• AT&T condom: 'Reach out and touch someone.'
• Bounty: The quicker picker upper.
• Microsoft: where do you want to go today ?
• Energizer: It keeps going and going and going....
• M&M condom: 'It melts in your mouth, not in your hands!'
• Chevron: use them? people do.
• Taco Bell: get some; make a run for the border
• MCI: for friends and family
• Double Mint: Double your pleasure, double your fun!
• The Sears latex condom: One coat is good for the entire winter
• Delta Airlines travel pack: Delta's ready when you are
• United Airlines travel pack: Fly United
• The Star Trek Condom: To Boldly Go Where No Man Has Gone Before
• Wendy Condoms: Where's the beef?
• Denny's Condoms: $1.99 Grand Slam
• Mazda Condom: It Just Feels Right!
• Maxwell House: Good to the last drop!
• McDonalds condom: Over 99 billion served
• Hewlett Packard condoms: Expanding Possibilities
• Burger King: Have it your way
• Dairy Queen: We treat you right
• AOL: So easy to use, no wonder it's #1