Random joke from this category
Morris complained to his friend Irving, that love making with his wife was becoming routine and boring.
"Get creative Morris. Break up the monotony.
Why don't you try 'playing doctor' for an hour? That's what I do," said Irving.
"Sounds great," Morris replied, "but how do you make it last for an hour?"
"That's easy...just keep her in the waiting room for 59 minutes!"
A man walks into a bar and sits next to a beautiful lady.
"May I buy you a drink?" the man asks the lady.
"Sure, but one thing I have to confess before you get intimate is that I was once a man," she responds.
"Whoa! I would have never known if you hadn't told me," the man says shocked, "Well what was the worst part of the operation? Was it when they sewed on those gahoonas?"
"No," she says calmly.
"What about when they cut off your.."
"No," she says hesitantly.
"Well what was the worst part of the operation?", the man asks.
"Well, the worst part has to be when they removed half of my brain!"
After three years of marriage, Kim was still questioning her husband about his lurid past.
"C'mon, tell me," she asked for the thousandth time, "how many women have you slept with?"
"Baby," he protested, "if I told you, you'd throw a fit."
Kim promised she wouldn't get angry, and convinced her hubby to tell her.
"Okay," he said, then started to count on his fingers "One, two, three, four, five, six, seven - then there's you - nine, ten, eleven, twelve, thirteen.....
The following information was gained through much arduous research involving men and women from all backgrounds and walks of life. It consists of the most frequently asked questions of women (i.e. relationships, sex and life in general). All women who read this are encouraged to use the wisdom contained therein to change their behavior in accordance with the truths established below.
How do I know if I'm ready for sex?
→ Ask your boyfriend. He'll know when the time is right. When it comes to love and sex, men are much more responsible, since they're not as emotionally confused as women. It's a proven fact.
Should I have sex on the first date?
→ YES. Before if possible.
What exactly happens during the act of sex?
→ Again, this is entirely up to the man. The important thing to remember is that you must do whatever he tells you without question. Sometimes, however, he may ask you to do certain things that may at first seem strange to you. Do them anyway.
How long should the sex act last?
→ This is a natural & normal part of nature, so don't feel ashamed or embarrassed. After you've finished making love, he'll have a natural desire to leave you suddenly, & go out with his friends to play golf. Or perhaps another activity, such as going out with his friends to the bar for the purpose of consuming large amounts of alcohol & sharing a few personal thoughts with his buddies. Don't feel left out - while he's gone you can busy yourself by doing laundry, cleaning the apartment, or perhaps even going out to buy him an expensive gift. He'll come back when he's ready.
What is "after play"?
→ After a man has finished making love, he needs to replenish his manly energy. "After play" is simply a list of important activities for you to do after lovemaking. This includes lighting his cigarette, making him a sandwich or pizza, bringing him a few beers, or leaving him alone to sleep while you go out and buy him an expensive gift.
Does the size of the penis matter?
→ Yes. Although many women believe that quality, not quantity, is important, studies show this is simply not true. The average erect male penis measures about three inches. Anything longer than that is extremely rare and if by some chance your lover's sexual organ is 4 inches or over, you should go down on your knees and thank your lucky stars and do everything possible to please him, such as doing his laundry, cleaning his apartment and/or buying him an expensive gift.
What about the female orgasm?
→ What about it? There's no such thing. It's a myth!
A Chicken and an Egg were lying in bed one night. The chicken smoking a cigarette with a smug grin on its face, the egg looking thoroughly ticked off.
The egg looks at the chicken and says, "Well, I guess we finally answered THAT question!"
One day Fred decided he wanted to take up deer hunting. So Fred went to the local sporting goods stored and asked the shopkepper. "I need a really nice gun to hunt deer with"
The shopkeeper gave him a gun and said, "This gun is perfect for any deer"
Taking the gun, and jumping into his Jeep the new hunter went into the woods to search for deer. While looking around for his new sport, he saw nothing. Then, when he was just about ready to give up he saw a Bear in the distance. Not wanting to waste this journey he took aim and, BOOM!! When the smoke cleared to his surprise, no bear.
Suddenly, Fred felt a tap on his shoulder. Turning, he saw the bear.
"What the hell do you think you are doing?" asked the bear.
"I'm sorry, I did mean to, I'll never do it again!" whined Fred.
"Pull down your pants, just so you understand how serious I am" explains the Bear.
Reluctantly, Fred does this and WHAM, the bear screws him up the ass.
All pissed off Fred drives away muttering, "I'm going to get that fuckin' bear, no fuckin bear is going to that to me".
Fred goes goes bak to the sporting goods store and buys a larger gun, and goes back to the park.
Looking around he finally sees the bear. Picking up his new larger gun, points, and BOOM!
When the smoke clears, no bear. Fred feels a tap on his shoulder, turns around and there's the bear.
"I'm sorry, I'll never do it agian, I promise", screams Fred.
"I thought I told you not to come back here again", exclaims the bear, "now pull down your pants.
Fred does so and the bear fucks him up the ass again.
Fred gets in his jeep and drives away muttering, "That's it, I'm going to blow that fuckin bears head clean off"
When he gets back to thte sporting goods store he explains to the shopkeeper, "I want the largest gun you have, the most powerful."
The shopkeepers hands him a gun and says, "This one is great for hunting elephants, no creature on this planet will live after a shot from this"
Fred gets back in his jeep and drives back to the woods. Loooking around he spots the bear again. He aims, pulls the trigger, and BBBOOOOOMMMMMM!!!!!!!
When the smoke clears, no bear. Fred scared now, feels a tap on his shoulder, turning around he sees the bear.
"You're not in this for the sport anymore, are you?"
A Missionary went to what he thought was an totally uninhabited island. He discovered that there were indeed people there, but the inhabitants of the island knew nothing of civilized culture.
The missionary decided that it would be in the natives best interest if he could teach them about civilization. He created small schools in huts and taught the natives how to read and write and do mathmetics.
He would take the natives one by one around the island, and teach them the correct words for objects that they would see. One day, the Missionary is walking around the island with one of the natives.
They walk past a tree. The Missionary points and says to the native, "Tree".
The native repeats, "Tree".
They continue further and come to a bush. The Missionary points to it and says, "Bush".
The native repeats the word, "Bush".
They walk around the bush - and lying on the ground behind it, is a native couple whoopi. The Missionary hopes that the native won't ask about it, but he does.
The native asks - "What is that? What are they doing?"
And the Missionary, looking for a quick answer replies, "Riding a bicycle. Those two people are riding a bicycle!" Instantly, the native pulls out his poison dart gun and kills the couple in the midst of their sexual act.
The Missionary is incredulous. Angered, he asks, "Here I am trying to teach you to be civilized and you kill two people! WHY did you kill those two people?! I told you that they were riding a bicycle!"
The native answers, "Him riding MY bicycle!"
The Rules Of Bedroom Golf!
A father and his son go into the grocery store when they happen upon the condom aisle. The son asks his father why there are so many different boxes of condoms.
The father replies, "Well, you see that 3 pack? That's for when you're in high school. You have 2 for Friday night and 1 for Saturday night."
The son then asks his father, "Well what's the 6 pack for?" The father replies, "Well, that's for when you're in college. You have 2 for Friday night, 2 for Saturday night, and 2 for Sunday morning."
Then the son asks his father what the 12 pack is for. The father replies, "Well, that's for when you're married... You have one for January, one for February, one for March..."
A husband and wife are getting ready to go to bed.
The husband says, "I thought we'd have sex tonight."
The wife replies, "No, I'm too tired tonight."
The husband says, "Is that your final answer?"
The wife says, "Yes, it is, thank you."
The husband says, "OK, then, I'd like to phone a friend."
