Science — most commented jokes

There was a group of scientists and they were all sitting around discussing which one of them was going to go to God and tell Him that they didn't need him anymore.

One of the scientists volunteered and went to go tell God he was no longer needed.

The scientist says to God - "God, you know, a bunch of us have been thinking and I've come to tell you that we really don't need you anymore. I mean, we've been coming up with great theories and ideas, we've cloned sheep, and we're on the verge of cloning humans. So as you can see, we really don't need you."

God nods understandingly and says. "I see. Well, no hard feelings. But before you go let's have a contest. What do you think?"

The scientist says, "Sure. What kind of contest?"

God: "A man-making contest."

The scientist: "Sure! No problem".

The scientist bends down and picks up a handful of dirt and says, "Okay, I'm ready!"

God replies, "No, no, no... You go get your own dirt."

Questions that have Confused humankind!!

• Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?"
• Who was the first person to say "See that chicken there.... I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta it's butt."
• Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?
• Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
• If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?
• Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?
• If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?
• Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?
• Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway?
• Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!
• What do you call male ballerinas?
• Can blind people see their dreams? Do they dream??
• If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that Acme crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?
• If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
• If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?
• If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
• Isn't Disney World just a people trap operated by a mouse?
• Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?
• Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?
• Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your ass?
• Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he can't wait to stick his head out the window into the wind?
• Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?

A short history of medicine:

I have an earache.
2000 B.C. - Here, eat this root.
1000 A.D. - That root is heathen, say this prayer.
1850 A.D. - That prayer is superstition, drink this potion.
1940 A.D. - That potion is snake oil, swallow this pill.
1985 A.D. - That pill is ineffective, take this antibiotic.
2000 A.D. - That antibiotic is artificial. Here, eat this root.

Yesterday, scientists for Health Canada suggested that men should take a look at their beer consumption, considering the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer. The theory is that drinking beer makes men turn into women. To test the finding, 100 men were fed 6 pints of beer each. It was then observed that 100% of the men gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became overly emotional, couldn't drive, failed to think rationally, argued over nothing, and refused to apologize when wrong. No further testing is planned.

"Salary Theorem" states that "Engineers and Scientists can never earn as much as Business Executives and Sales People." This theorem can now be supported by a mathematical equation based on the following two postulates:

1. Knowledge is Power.
2. Time is Money.

As every engineer knows:
Power = Work / Time

Since:
Knowledge = Power
Time = Money

It follows that:
Knowledge = Work/Money.

Solving for Money, we get:
Money = Work / Knowledge.

Thus, as Knowledge approaches zero, Money approaches infinity, regardless of the amount of work done.

Conclusion: The less you know, the more you make.

NEW INVENTIONS BY BLONDES:

• The water-proof towel
• Glow in the dark sunglasses
• Solar powered flashlight
• Submarine screen door
• A book on how to read
• Inflatable dart board
• A dictionary index
• Powdered water
• Pedal powered wheel chair
• Water proof tea bags
• Zero proof alcohol
• Reusable ice cubes
• Skinless bananas
• Do it yourself roadmap

There was a blonde, a red head, and a brunette and they were all up in space. Each girl tried thinking up ways to be better then the other two... The red head said, "I am going to be the first woman to land on mars." The brunette said, "I can beat that, I'll be the first woman to land on saturn." The blonde said, "I'll beat both of you, I'll be the first woman to land on the sun."

"How are you going to do that", the other two asked.

"Simple", said the blonde. "I'll go at night!"

One day, a blonde was left alone in a lab with a beetle. She examined it and decided to do an experiment. She pulled off one of its legs, then asked it to run. The beetle obeyed her command. Then, she pulled off a second leg and asked it to run. It did, but with a lot of difficulty. Finally, she pulled the remaining legs off and asked it to run. It couldn't.

"I have made a new discovery!" the blonde cried. "When you pull all of a beetle's legs off, it becomes deaf!!"

A professor invented a lie detecting chair. Whenever anybody sitting in it told a lie, the chair would open up and dump the liar on the floor. During an experiment, a brunette sat in the chair and the professor asked her to tell about herself. She began, "I think you are the best teacher I've ever had." The chair immediately dumped her on the floor.

After the brunette left in a snit, a blonde sat in the chair. The professor asked her to tell something of her life. She began, "I think -" The next thing she knew, she was sitting in the floor.

The diet literature explains calories burned while jogging, playing tennis or golfing, but similar information concerning sexual activity has, until now, been unavailable. Yet, a survey of 206,000,000 people indicated that 96% devote more time and effort to sex than jogging, tennis, or golf, and we felt that the time was right for a new type of sex manual.

Examples

1 hr. intensive foreplay Burns Off: 1 slice (large) chocolate cake.
25 min. nonstop lovemaking Burns Off: 2 slices of pizza with cheese and mushrooms.
53 min. of kissing partner Burns Off: 1 cheeseburger with 14 french fries.
53 minutes kissing yourself Burns Off: Christmas turkey with all the trimmings.

Preparing the Bedroom

Includes setting the snooze alarm and dimming the lights: 42 (calories burned)

Additional Last Minute Preparations

Hiding the sex manual: 3
Decanting the wine: 4
Without a corkscrew: 268

Making the First Move

If you are shy: 15
If you are anxious: 43
If you beg: 100

Seducing the Partner

If you are rich (cash): 5
If you are rich (credit card): 15
If you are poor: 200

Initial Body Contact

Fumbling: 4
Casually rummaging around: 7
Seriously rummaging around: 42

Removing Clothes

With partner's consent: 12
Without partner's consent: 187
Removing socks by violently shaking feet: 418

Arousal and Stimulation

Blowing in partner's ear: 15
Blowing in your own ear: 2,512

Disappointment

(after seeing partner undressed)
Partner looks better with clothes on: 10
Partner wears corrective underwear: 15
Partner turns out to be of wrong sex: 100
You don't mind: 0.25
Partner wearing elevated socks: 50

Doing It for the First Time

Fumbling around: 4
Desperately trying to put something somewhere: 18
Completely missing: 126

Positions

Italian (man on top woman on bottom): 26
German (facing each other, but in different beds): 48
English (woman on top man hiding): 15
American (both on top): 1,243

Afflictions

Leg cramp: 36
Making believe you don't have a leg cramp: 612
Sneezing (during intercourse): 7
Sneezing (during orgasm): 588

Assorted Accidents

Toupee slips off (if your partner knew you wore one): 5
Toupee slips off (if partner didn't know): 72
Extinguishing cigarette (in ashtray): 1
Extinguishing cigarette (in mattress): 17
Extinguishing cigarette (in partner's leg): 133
Calling your partner the wrong name: 50

Orgasmic Intensity Scale

Shoes flew off: 15
Expression didn't change: 0.5
Room turned purple: 4
Face turned purple: 78
Earth moved: 30
If Earth actually moved: 1,234,588
Moaning in Turkish: 506

Things Often Said After Sex

"I am so grateful": 15
"It must have been something we ate": 15
"Was it good for you?": 15
"Are you finished?": 15

Trying Again

If woman is ready: 5
If man is not: 563

Rolling Over and Going to Sleep

After sex: 18
During sex: 546
While parking car: 212

Sleep

Real: 5
Faked (a good way to avoid sex-craved partner): 74

Taking a Bath Together

In a bath: 5
In a sink: 150
In a jacuzzi: 15,269

Making the Bed

With partner still in it: 44 (indicates either a neatness obsession, a severe optic disorder, or a partner who is very tired).
With you still in it: 97 (suggests extreme withdrawal and profound dissatisfaction)

Keeping a Journal

Maintaining your own record of sexual activity will be helpful for keeping track of weight loss. You needn't go into detail, just list the activity and the number of calories burned. A typical entry in a woman's journal (for example) for a pleasant low-key sexual experience might read as follows:

December 1st: Sex with Harold
Explaining how: 12
Suggesting something different: 3
Calming terrified Harold: 40
Encouraging him to at least take off his socks: 8
Foreplay (a little of this a little of that): 56
Intercourse (standing position): 22
Intercourse (holding Harold up): 10
Intercourse (urging him on): 5
Orgasm: not sure
Thanking Harold: 3
Waving bye-bye: 1
Total time: six minutes (taxi waiting)
Total calories burned: 160