Random joke from this category
OK, let's consider the physical evidence.
The moon is moving away at a tiny, although measurable distance from the Earth every year.
Do the math and you will clearly see that 85 million years ago it was orbiting the earth at a distance of about 35 feet from the earth's surface. This would explain the death of the dinosaurs; the tallest ones, anyway.
What is chemistry's greatest achievement?
→ Artificial blondes!
THESE ARE ACTUAL EXCERPTS FROM STUDENT SCIENCE EXAM PAPERS:
Charles Darwin was a naturalist who wrote the organ of the species.
Benjamin Franklin produced electricity by rubbing cats backwards.
The theory of evolution was greatly objected to because it made man think.
Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes and caterpillars.
The dodo is a bird that is almost decent by now.
To remove air from a flask, fill it with water, tip the water out, and put the cork in quick before the air can get back in.
The process of turning steam back into water again is called conversation.
A magnet is something you find crawling all over a dead cat.
The Earth makes one resolution every 24 hours.
The cuckoo bird does not lay his own eggs.
To prevent conception when having intercourse, the male wears a condominium.
To collect fumes of sulfur, hold a deacon over a flame in a test tube.
Parallel lines never meet, unless you bend one or both of them.
Algebraical symbols are used when you do not know what you are talking about.
Geometry teaches us to bisex angles.
A circle is a line which meets its other end without ending.
The pistol of a flower is its only protection against insects.
The moon is a planet just like the Earth, only it is even deader.
Artificial insemination is when the farmer does it to the cow instead of the bull.
An example of animal breeding is the farmer who mated a bull that gave a great deal of milk with a bull with good meat.
We believe that the reptiles came from the amphibians by spontaneous generation and study of rocks.
English sparrows and starlings eat the farmers grain and soil his corpse.
By self-pollination, the farmer may get a flock of long haired sheep.
If conditions are not favorable, bacteria go into a period of adolescence.
Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them perspire.
Vegetative propagation is the process by which one individual Manufactures another individual by accident.
A super-saturated solution is one that holds more than it can hold.
A triangle which has an angle of 135 degrees is called an obscene triangle.
Blood flows down one leg and up the other.
A person should take a bath once in the summer, and not quite so often in the winter.
The hookworm larvae enters the human body through the soul.
When you haven't got enough iodine in your blood you get a glacier.
It is a well-known fact that a deceased body harms the mind.
Humans are more intelligent than beasts because the human branes have more convulsions.
For fainting: rub the person's chest, or if a lady, rub her arm above the hand instead.
For fractures: to see if the limb is broken, wiggle it gently back and forth.
For dog bite: put the dog away for several days. If he has not recovered, then kill it.
For nosebleed: put the nose much lower than the body.
For drowning: climb on top of the person and move up and down to make artificial perspiration.
To remove dust from the eye, pull the eye down over the nose.
For head colds: use an agonizer to spray the nose until it drops in your throat.
For snakebites: bleed the wound and rape the victim in a blanket for shock.
For asphyxiation: apply artificial respiration until the patient is dead.
Before giving a blood transfusion, find out if the blood is affirmative or negative.
Bar magnets have north and south poles, horseshoe magnets have east and west poles.
When water freezes you can walk on it. That is what Christ did long ago in wintertime.
When you smell an odorless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide.
What is one horsepower?
→ One horsepower is the amount of energy it takes to drag a horse 500 feet in one second.
You can listen to thunder after lightning and tell how close you came to getting hit. If you don't hear it you got hit, so never mind.
Talc is found in rocks and on babies.
The law of gravity says no fair jumping up without coming back down.
When passing through Missouri, a typhoon is really not a hurricane but a tornado.
Scientists have found that when a toadstool is not a mushroom it is poison.
When they broke open molecules they found they were only stuffed with atoms.
But when they broke open atoms, they found them stuffed with explosions.
Clouds are high flying fogs.
When people run around and around in circles we say they are crazy.
When planets do it we say they are orbiting.
Rainbows are just to look at, not to really understand.
While the Earth seems to be knowingly keep its distance from the sun, it is really only centrificating.
Some day we may discover how to make magnets that can point in any direction.
South America has cold summers and hot winters, but somehow they still manage.
Most books now say our sun is a star. But it still knows how to change back into a sun in the daytime.
One hundred humidities equal 1 rain.
In a free fall, how long would it take to reach the ground from a height of 1,000 feet?
→ I have never performed this experiment.
Water freezes at 32 degrees and boils at 212 degrees. There are 180 degrees between freezing and boiling because there are 180 degrees between north and south.
A vibration is a motion that cannot make up its mind which way it wants to go.
Hard mud is called shale. Soft mud is called gooey.
There are 26 vitamins in all, but some of the letters are yet to be discovered. Find them all means living forever.
There is a termendious (no spelling mistake) weight pressing down on the center of the Earth because of so much population stomping around here these days.
Lime is a green tasting rock.
Many dead animals of the past changed to fossils while others preferred to be oil. A fossil is a dead bone.
Genetics explains why you look like your father and if you don't why you should.
When there is a fog, you might as well not mind looking at it.
When a wave rolls over itself it is called a breaker. Of just about anything I guess.
Humidity is the experience of looking for air and finding water. We keep track of humidity in the air so we won't drown when we breathe.
In making rain water, it takes everything from H to O. When rain water strikes forest fires, it beckstingwishes them. Luckily it effects we of the humans unlike that.
Rain is often spoken of as soft water, oppositely known as hail.
Rain is saved up in cloud banks.
In some rocks you can find the fossil footprints of fishes.
EXAMPLES OF UNCLEAR WRITING, SENTENCES TAKEN FROM ACTUAL LETTERS RECEIVED BY A LOCAL WELFARE DEPARTMENT TO APPLICATIONS FOR SUPPORT
I am forwarding my marriage certificate and six children. I have seven, but one which was baptized on a half sheet of paper.
I am writing the Welfare Department to say that my baby was born two years old. When do I get my money?
Mrs. Jones has not had any clothes for a year and has been visited by the clergy regularly.
I cannot get sick pay. I have six children. Can you tell me why?
I am glad to report that my husband who was missing is dead.
This is my ninth child. What are you going to do about it?
Please find for certain if my husband is dead. The man I am now living with can't eat or do anything, until he knows for sure.
I am very annoyed to find you have branded my son illiterate. This is as dirty lie, as I was married a week before he was born.
In answer to your letter, I have given birth to a boy weighing ten pounds. I hope this is satisfactory.
I am forwarding my marriage certificate and three children, one of which is a mistake as you can see.
My husband got his project cut off two weeks ago and I haven't had any relief since. What are you going to do about it?
Unless I get my husband's money pretty soon I will be forced to lead an immortal life.
You have changed my little boy to a little girl. Will this make any difference.
I have no children yet as my husband is a truck driver and works day and night.
In accordance with your instructions, I have given birth to twins in the enclosed envelope.
I want my money as quick as I can get it. I've been in bed with the doctor for two weeks and he doesn't do me any good. If things do not improve, I will have to send for another doctor.
Scientists were preparing an experiment to ask the ultimate question.
They had worked for months gathering one each of every computer that was built. Finally the big day was at hand. All the computers were linked together. They asked the question, "IS THERE A GOD?"
Suddenly there was a loud crash, and in a brilliant explosion of silicon and plastic the computers fused into what appeared to the scientists to be one large computer in place of the many smaller ones. One of the scientists raced to the printer as it finally output its answer.
"There is now", read the printout.
After much discussion the scientific community decided to try to determine why the human penis was shaped the way it was.
MIT allocated a budget of $200,000 and after 2 years research decided the the head of the penis was bigger than the shaft so that during intercourse a better seal was maintained and thus preventing leakage and ensuring fertilization.
Johns Hopkins Medical Center allocated a budget of $500,000 and after 5 years research decided that the head was bigger than the shaft in order to provide more stimulation, ensure ejaculation and thus allow for impregnation.
The fellows over at the University of Hawaii spent $2.50, bought a copy of the latest Victoria's Secret catalog and reached the conclusion that the head is bigger to prevent your hand from slipping off!
The average person is about a quarter of an inch taller at night.
[Another quarter inch doesn't impress most women.]
A sneeze zooms out of your mouth at over 600 m. p. h.
[Along with everything else in your mouth at the time.]
The condom - made originally of linen - was invented in the early 1500s.
[That same year men began asking, "Put that on my WHAT?"]
The first known contraceptive was crocodile dung, used by Egyptians in 2000 B. C.
[Does this explain Crocodile Dung Dee?]
Watch out for flying hockey pucks - they travel at up to 100 mph.
[Stand clear or you'll get pucked.]
America's first nudist organization was founded in 1929, by 3 men.
[3 very lonely men.]
98% of American drivers think they drive better than anyone else.
[The other 2% are NY cab drivers who know better.]
When he's feeling amorous, the male sea otter grabs the female's nose with his teeth.
[When the female feel amorous, she grabs something else.]
In 1681, the last dodo bird died.
[He was 41 and his name was also Fred.]
A Saudi Arabian woman can get a divorce if her husband doesn't give her coffee.
[It's known as the Sanka clause.]
The Neanderthal's brain was bigger than yours is.
[But he couldn't surf the Internet.]
Donald Duck comics were banned from Finland because he doesn't wear pants.
[All ducks in Finland wear pants.]
The average bank teller loses about $250 every year.
[Probably explains why banks have so many service charges.]
Howdy Doody had 48 freckles.
[And if you connect them, they spell 'Dummy'.]
What color was Christopher Columbus's hair? Blonde.
[He was lost and wouldn't ask for directions; yep, a blonde male.]
In 1980, there was only one country in the world with no telephones - Bhutan.
[Residents had to go to another country to make 900 calls.]
The most extras ever used in a movie was 300,000, for the film Gandhi, in 1981.
[Union regulations required each one be listed in the credits.]
Every person has a unique tongue print.
[But would you want someone to ink yours?]
Your right lung takes in more air than your left one does.
[Even if you don't inhale.]
Women's hearts beat faster than men's.
[Even after death.]
When Bugs Bunny first appeared in 1935, he was called Happy Rabbit.
[Sales of fresh carrots jumped 46%.]
Pollsters say that 40% of dog and cat owners carry pictures of the pets in their wallets.
[But very few dogs or cats carry photos of their owners.]
Aztec emperor Montezuma had a nephew, Cuitlahac, whose name meant "plenty of excrement."
[Coincidentally, this is also Rush Limbaugh's nickname.]
Thomas Edison was afraid of the dark.
[His parents never bought him a night light.]
Bubble gum contains rubber.
[But should not be used as a condom.]
You can only smell 1/20th as well as a dog.
[Dogs compensate by smelling really bad.]
In high school, Robin Williams was voted "Least Likely to Succeed."
[And most likely to grab himself.]
Only 55% of all Americans know that the sun is a star.
[74% think Madonna is.]
The sound of E. T. walking was made by someone squishing her hands in Jell-o.
[I may never eat Jell-o again!]
The sex organ on a male spider is located at the end of one of its legs.
[A female spider has a 1 in 8 chance of getting pregnant.]
Even if you cut off a cockroach's head, it can live for several weeks.
[But it will hold a grudge much longer.]
Chicken soup was considered an aphrodisiac in the Middle Ages.
[Remember, when you're sick, Mother knows best.]
Most American car horns honk in the key of F.
[And we all know what the F represents.]
The world population of chickens is about equal to the world population of people.
[Curb foul population, choke a chicken today.]
Every time Beethoven sat down to write music, he poured ice water over his head.
[Brain freeze promotes creativity.]
In 75% of American households, women manage the money and pay the bills.
[25% of all Americans are bachelors.]
A monkey was once tried and convicted for smoking a cigarette in South Bend, IN.
[Joe Camel has never been to South Bend.]
About 70% of Americans who go to college do it just to make more money.
[The rest of them are avoiding reality for four more years.]
In 1980, a Las Vegas hospital suspended workers for betting on when patients would die.
[The winner had access to life-support equipment.]
Someone paid $14,000 for the bra Marilyn Monroe wore in 'Some Like It Hot'.
[Madonna cone bras on sale in the lobby; $14.95.]
Some toothpastes contain antifreeze.
[Which explains why your teeth don't freeze in winter.]
Sigmund Freud had a morbid fear of ferns.
[It had something to do with his hating his mother.]
Millie the White House dog earned more than 4 times as much as President Bush in 1991.
[Obviously Millie did more than Bush.]
Bird droppings are the chief export of Nauru, an island nation in the Western Pacific.
[What is the advantage of a bird that's been dropped?]
There are more plastic flamingos in America than real ones.
[There are also more Elvis impersonators than real ones.]
Most lipstick contains fish scales.
[Even though most fish don't wear lipstick.]
Spotted skunks do handstands before they spray.
[Who volunteers to confirm this?]
Hypnotism is banned by public schools in San Diego.
[You are getting sleepy. . . you will dismiss class early. . .]
The three best-known western names in China: Jesus Christ, Richard Nixon, and Elvis Presley.
[Well, 2 out of 3 ain't bad.]
When snakes are born with two heads, they fight each other for food.
[The same is true for people.]
Why does NASA hire peroxide blondes?
→ They're doing research on black holes.
What did the blonde say to the physicist?
→ "Why, I just love nuclear fission! What do you use for bait?"
What does the Star Trek Enterprise and tiolet paper have in common?
→ They both circle around uranus searching for klingons!
This is not only philosophical but is obviously pure science.
A herd of buffalo can move only as fast as the slowest buffalo, and when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first.
This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular culling of the weakest members. In much the same way the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, we all know, kills brain cells, but naturally it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first.
In this way regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. So that's why you always feel smarter after a few beers.
