Relationships — most commented jokes

Once heard from a girl who just broke up with someone: My old boyfriend and I weren't compatible. I'm a virgo and he's an asshole!

A man was complaining to a friend: "I had it all; money, a beautiful house, a big car, the love of a beautiful woman; then, Pow! it was all gone!"

"What happened?" asked the friend.

"My wife found out..."

A man finds a lamp and decides to rub the dust off. Then, you guessed it, a Genie appears. The Genie tells the man he will grant him three wishes, but everything the man gets, his mother-in-law gets twice.

The man's first wish is for 10 million dollars. The Genie reminds the man that his mother-in-law will get 20 million dollars.

The man says, "that's ok."

The man's next wish is for a house by the sea.

Once again, the Genie reminds the man that his mother-in-law will get two houses by the sea; once again, the man says, "that's okay."

The man's last wish is to be beaten half to death!

A survey has found that about 90% of all Hallmark greeting cards are purchased by women. In order to attract more males to buy and exchange greeting cards, the following are some greeting card suggestions created to attract more male buyers:

Cover picture: Dim, misty, moody picture of a vase of roses.
Cover caption: Condolances
Inside caption: ...on the loss of your remote control.

Cover picture: Nostalgic picture of a young couple strolling through a field holding hands.
Cover caption: Darling, as we go into our 10th year together...
Inside caption: I swear I'll leave my wife soon!

Cover picture: Gold-leafed picture of a vase of red roses.
Cover caption: Get well soon, darling!
Inside caption: This house doesn't clean itself!

Cover picture: Two men standing on lush golf course, one of them ready to putt.
Cover caption: To my golf partner...
Inside caption: Just to let you know, I'm sleeping with my secretary.

Cover picture: Dark moody picture of a vase of roses.
Cover caption: In sympathy, I'm sorry to hear the news...
Inside caption: That you've been beaten senseless again in another bar fight.

Cover picture: Norman Rockwell-ish painting of a young girl picking daisies.
Cover caption: To the daughter that I love...
Inside caption: No daughter of mine is leaving this house dressed like a slut!

Cover picture: Misty photo of a couple embracing and kissing.
Cover caption: To my wonderful wife... I know we've had a little disagreement
Inside caption: But please don't cut off my sex organ as I sleep tonight!

Cover picture: Photo of two men shaking hands.
Cover caption: Congratulations and the best of luck!
Inside caption: To the installation of your new hair plugs!

- He: Since I first laid eyes on you, I've wanted to make love to you in the worst way.

- She: Well, you succeeded!

A man leaned toward an attractive woman at a bar and told her, "Haven't I seen you somewhere before?"

"Yes," she replied in a loud voice, "I'm the receptionist at the V.D. clinic."

Single women claim that all the good men are married, while all married women complain about their lousy husbands.

This confirms that there is no such thing as a good man.

A single man in his 40's often has a problem finding women at his level of maturity. That's why he dates someone half his age.

When He Says - He Really Means

• Do you have the time? - to go to bed
• Hello - Let's cut the talk and go have sex.
• How are you? - in bed, I mean.
• I'd like a discreet relationship. - I want sex, but I'm married.
• I'll be out of town for a few days. - I'll be spending time with with the wife.
• I'm a novelist. - I have 10 unpublished books.
• I'm coming off a long relationship. - My wife is divorcing me.
• I'm consulting. - I'm looking for a job.
• I'm divorced. - I just slipped off my wedding ring.
• I'm in television. - I fix them.
• I'm involved in banking. - I'm a bank guard.
• I'm self-employed. - I just got fired.
• I'm sorry I flirted with your sister. - I'm sorry I got caught.
• I'm thinking of relocating. - I can't find a job locally in this town.
• I can't leave my wife just yet..soon. - Be patient forever.
• I enjoy reading. - Playboy and Penthouse.
• I have the Midas touch. - I install mufflers.
• I like a woman who is intelligent. - As long as she acts like I'm smarter.
• I love opera. - I want sex, but I've seen an opera once.
• I play the market. - Safeway
• I work high up in an executive office. - I'm a window washer.
• I work with computers. - I'm a cashier at a gas station.
• Looking for a satisfying relationship. - I want sex.
• My business is really hot right now! - I hand out towels in a steam room.
• My job keeps me running. - I'm a messenger.
• My wife and I are separated. - She's at home and I'm here at the bar.

How does a real man know whenever his girlfriend is having an orgasm?
→ A real man doesn't care.