Political Jokes — most commented jokes

1. I be God. Don' be dissin me. 2. Don' be makin hood ornaments outa me or nothin in my crib. 3. Don' be callin me for no reason - homey don' play dat.4. Y'all betta be in church on Sundee. 5. Don' dis ya mama...an if ya know who ya daddy is, don dis him neither. 6. Don' ice ya bros. 7. Stick to ya own woman. 8. Don' be liftin no goods. 9. Don' be frontin like you all that an no snitchin on ya homies. 10. Don' be eyein' ya homie's crib, ride, or nothin.

Back when Bill Clinton and Hillary got married Bill told her, "There's one thing I want you to know. There's a box under my bed, and I don't want you to look in it until I die." Hillary agreed to this but, over the years, the curiosity got the better of her, and she finally looked in it. She found three beer cans and 1.5 million dollars in cash. When she asked Bill what the beer cans were for, he replied, "Well, those are for all the times I've cheated on you." Hillary said, "Well, that's not bad after all these years, and you being a politician, and traveling and all." She was about to leave, but then she said, "Hey, Bill, what about the 1.5 million dollars?" Bill replied, "That's for all the times the box got full and I had to cash the cans in."

Q. What did George W Bush get on his S.A.T.'s? A. Drool.

Three guys, a Canadian, Osama bin Laden, and George W. Bush are out walking together one day. They came across a lantern and a genie pops out of it. "I will give each of you one wish. That's three wishes total," saidthe genie. The Canadian said, "I'm a farmer, my dad was a farmer, and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Canada." With a blink of the genie's eye, POOF the land in Canada was forever made fertile for farming. Bin Laden was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around Afghanistan, so that no infidels, Jews, or Americans can come into our precious state." Again, with a blink of the genie's eye, POOF there was a huge wall around Afghanistan. George W. Bush, said, "I'm very curious, please tell me more about this wall." The Genie explains, "Well, it's about 15,000 feet high, 500 feet thick, and completely surrounds the country; nothing can get in or out - it's virtually impenetrable." George W. Bush says, "Fill it with water."

1. Only in America...... can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.2. Only in America...... are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.3. Only in America...... do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.4. Only in America...... do people order double cheese burgers, large fries, and a diet Coke.5. Only in America...... do banks leave both doors to the vault open and then chain the pens to the counters.6. Only in America...... do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.7. Only in America...... do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.8. Only in America...... do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.9. Only in America...... do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.10. Only in America...... do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.

One day, President Bush visited an elementary school. All the kids were so excited to get to meet the President. He began to talk to them and asked them to define the word "tragedy." "Well," one girl replied, "If my mommy ran over my dog, Rover, that would be a tragedy!" The President smiled at the little girl and said, "No, sweetie. That would be an accident! Can anyone give it a try?" A little boy sitting across the room raised his hand and said, "I know! I know! If our bus driver ran off of a cliff and killed everyone!" The President shook his head and said, "No son. That would be a great loss! Doesn't anyone know of a good example of a tragedy?" A small girl raised her hand and said, "Well, Mr. President, if you and Laura were in Air Force One and it was hit by a missile and blown to smithereens, most people would think that that was a tragedy!" "Very good," he said. "And what was your reason for that answer?" "Well," she said, "It would not be an accident and it sure would not be a great loss!"

50 Ways To Annoy Osama bin Laden... Fifty Ways To Annoy Osama bin Laden If You're Invited To A Dinner Party At His Secret Afghan Lair, by Alan MeissPoint out the lice in his beard to make him feel self-conscious. Pause for a moment, listen carefully, and say, "Doesn't that sound a lot like a B-52?" Ask him if he's looking forward to replacing Hitler as Satan's favorite chew toy in the lowest inferno of Hell. Tell him all about your great vacation to Saudi Arabia, where you went absolutely everywhere and did everything, just stomped all over the place. Use his satellite phone to call the time and weather line in Buenos Aires and leave it off the hook. Tell him how much less you paid for your Kalashnikov rifle. Now that you know the address of his secret cave hideout, fill out magazine subscription cards for him for the Wine Spectator and Penthouse. But do not, under any circumstances, send him Popular Mechanics. Order him ten Domino's pizzas with extra ham topping. Correct him when he ends a sentence with a preposition. Ask whether the Taliban gets cable, because you haven't seen "Sex and the City" for weeks. Yank the end of his turban really hard to make him spin around like a top. Switch all the CD's in the jewel boxes in his CD collection, so that when he reaches for Michael Bolton, he'll actually get the Oak Ridge Boys. Mine his bathroom. Use your dinner fork for your salad, and, if questioned by your host, mutter something about "spots". Leave business cards for the Israeli Mossad in his Rolodex. Take pictures of all his wives and post them on www.amihotornot.com. Ask him if he wears boxers or briefs. Check. Take pictures. Again, post these on www.amihotornot.com. Give him a Hot Chicks of Palestine calendar. Ask him if Paradise is different for each person, and whether in your own paradise you'll get to, "kick his ass every day for eternity." Reset his VCR and leave it blinking 12:00. Refer to him as "Osama-osama-fee-fi-fo-fama bin Laden." Ask whether suicide bombers have to pay union dues. Tell him it's lovely what he's done with his cave, but that it'd look much nicer covered with huge, smoking craters. At dinner, imply that the Northern Alliance has much prettier place settings. Claim you once saw him at a Hooter's in Muncie wearing a yarmulke. Ask him if he wouldn't mind if you opened the door and shined your laser pointer on his forehead for a few minutes. Tell him that this is the worst pajama party you've ever attended. Ask for some pork rinds and a good brew to wash them down. Mix up his Rubik's Cube. Ask him if he provides his employees with a 401K plan. Compliment him on all his poppies outside, but mention that a few day lilies would be a nice accent. Run your finger along his credenza, and say, "tsk, tsk" if there's dust. Ask whether the Taliban is hoping to be bombed ahead into the Stone Age, or perhaps the Iron Age if enough shell casings survive. Explain that America is a land of freedom and opportunity, filled with people of every race, religion, and background, including millions of women strong enough to knock the crap out of him. Claim that they serve much better falafel at the public executions in Sudan. Ask him if he's pursuing the Lesser Jihad, the Greater Jihad, or the "Completely Whacked Out of his Freaking Gourd" Jihad. Swirl your drink thoughtfully and mention, "Just think, in a few weeks you might fit in this glass!" Check to see if Saddam is on his speed-dial list. They have to wait a few years to see current television shows in Afghanistan, so give away the secret of who's having a baby on "Friends." Warn him that you're "in a New York state of mind." Mention that his wives look quite fetching in their burkas, and ask whether they've ever thought of modeling. Ask him, "Say, where do you keep all those Stinger missiles?" just in case he'll be caught off guard and answer correctly. Give him a "noogie" or a "wedgie." If there's actually still a flush toilet left in Afghanistan, give him a "swirlie".* Ask to borrow his hedge trimmer and never give it back. Play a game of Monopoly with him. Make him play the thimble. See if he charges interest. Claim that his properties are your "holy lands" and blow up his hotels. Fish out the secret toy surprises in all his cereal boxes. Offer to take him "clubbing" in Tel Aviv with your friends Saul and Ivan. Ask him which Ninja Turtle is his favorite. Give him your cell phone as a gift and ask him to leave it on for a few days so your friends can call and say hi. When you leave, wave and say, "Shalom!"copyright 2001 by Alan Meiss

Erik Williams, 21, of the 3600 block of South Michigan Avenue, was arrested in Chicago on May 18 and charged with sexually assaulting (forced fellatio) a 42-year-old woman. The victim arrived at a police station in the early morning hours clutching, in her hand, testicles that she had just bitten off. At about the same time, Williams showed up at Michael Reese Hospital missing his testicles. Doctors confirmed that the testicles were Williams' but were unable to reattach them.

Bill and Hillary are at the first baseball game of the year, and everyone is yelling and screaming. One of the President's cabinet advisors whispers advice into his ear, at which point Bill stands up and throws Hillary out onto the field. The crowd goes deathly silent and the advisor says, "No, sir, what I said was, they want you to throw out the first pitch."

Did ya hear what President Clinton had to say about the Abortion Bill? Ah thought ah paid it!