Random joke from this category
Her teenage son was having trouble mastering the fine points of balancing his new checking account.
- The bank returned the check you wrote to the sporting goods store - she said.
- Oh good - he said:
- Now I can use it to buy some stereo equipment!
A man was taking his wife, who was pregnant with twins, to the hospital when his car went out of control and crashed.
Upon regaining consciousness, he saw his brother, a relentless world-class practical joker, sitting at his bed side.
He asked his brother how his wife was and his brother replied:
- Don't worry, everybody is fine and you have a son and a daughter.
But the hospital was in a real hurry to get the birth certificates filed and since both you and your wife were unconscious, I named them for you.
The husband was thinking to himself:
- Oh no, what has he done now? - and said with trepidation:
- Well what did you name them?
The brother replied:
- I named the little girl Denise.
The husband, relieved, said:
- That's a very pretty name!
What did you come up with for my son?
The brother replied:
- Denephew.
One day shortly after the birth of their new baby, the mother had to go out to do some errands. So the proud papa stayed home to watch his wonderful new son. Soon after the mother left, the baby started to cry.
The father did everything he could think of to do but the baby wouldn't stop crying. Finally, the dad got so worried he decided to take the infant to the doctor. After the doctor listened to the father all that he had done to get the baby to stop crying, the doctor began to examine the baby's ears, chest and then down to the diaper area. When he undid the diaper, he finds that the diaper is indeed full.
- Here's the problem - the Dr. says.
- He needs a change.
The father is very perplexed:
- But the diaper package says it is good for up to 10 lbs!
A father came home from a long business trip to find his son riding a very fancy new 10 speed bike. "Where did you get the money for the bike? It must have cost $300." "Easy, Dad," the boy replied. "I earned it hiking." "Come on," the father said. "Tell me the truth." "That is the truth," the boy replied. "Every night you were gone, Mr. Reynolds from the grocery store would come over to see Mom. He'd give me a $20 bill and tell me to take a hike!"
Once when Mary was young her school had a halloween party for themmary decided to go as a pirate after she had donned her costume shewent into the family room to show her family they were impressed.
Mom said you look terrific mary you have your sabre,and your parrot onyour shoulder,and look you even have a neat sack to carry your booty,butwhere are your buccaneers?
Says Mary, my buccaneers are under my buccanhat!
I don't think this whole White House scandal is good for parents. I caught my six year old son David in a lie, and he said we could discuss it tonight in a "National Town Meeting."
One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her small boy into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice:
- Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?
The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug.
- I can't dear - she said.
- I have to sleep in Daddy's room.
A long silence was broken at last by a shaken little voice saying:
- The big sissy.
PUPPY LOVE A man and his son were walking through a field, and saw two dogs mating. The little boy asked his Dad what was happening. The Father replied, "Well, son, they're making a puppy." The following evening, the little boy was thirsty, so he went from his bed to get a glass of water. Not being able to reach the glasses, he walked unannounced into his parents bedroom, who were making love in their usual missionary position. Confused, the boy asked what were they doing. The Dad responded very slowly and caringly to his impressionanle little boy, "Well, son, we are making you a little brother. "The little boy replied ,"Please turn Mom over, Dad, I'd rather have a puppy!"
Little Johnny A traveling salesman rings this doorbell. 10 year old little Johnny answers, holding a beer and smoking a fat cigar. The salesman says, "little boy is your mother home?" Little Johnny taps his ash on the carpet and says, "what do you think?"
The Hazards of Kicking the Cat There was a little boy with a bad attitude. He was at home one day doing his chores. He was feeding the chickens and he got mad and kicked one across the yard. He was feeding the hogs and got mad and kicked the hell out of one of them also. He was milking the cow and it kept hitting him in the face with its tail so he kicked it, too. His mom had been watching him and told him he couldn't have any chicken, beef, or pork for a month because he was a mean little bastard. She told him to wait 'til his dad got home. His dad came home and tripped over the pussy cat and he got mad and kicked that cat across the room. The little boy looked at his mom and said, "Are you going to tell him or am I?"
