Random joke from this category
A drill sergeant had just chewed out one of his cadets, and as he was walking away, he turned to the cadet and said, "I guess when I die you'll come and dance on my grave." The cadet replied, "Not me, Sarge...no sir!
I promised myself that when I got out of the Army I'd never stand in another line!"
A guy goes in to apply at the U.S. Postal Service for a job.
During the interview, the interviewer asks the guy if he is a veteran. The guy says "Yes, I fought over in Vietnam." Then the interviewer asks if the guy has any disabilities.
The guy responds, "Well, I stepped on a land mine over there and blew my testicles off." "Great!," responds the interviewer... we give disabled Vet preference. "You can start tomorrow morning at 10 a.m."
"But doesn't everyone normally start at 8 a.m.?", asks the guy.
"Yes, but you don't have to come in until 10...
All we do is just stand around and scratch our balls for the first two hours anyway!"
Two Marines boarded a quick shuttle flight out of Dallas, headed for Houston.
One sat in the window seat, the other sat in the middle seat.
Just before take-off, an Army soldier got on and took the aisle seat next to the two Marines.
The Soldier kicked off his shoes, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Marine in the window seat said, "I think I'll get up and get a coke."
"No problem," said the Soldier, "I'll get it for you."
While he was gone, the Marine picked up the Soldier's shoe and spit in it. When the Soldier returned with the coke, the Marine in the middle seat said, "That looks good, I think I'll have one too."
Again, the Soldier obligingly went to fetch it and while he was gone, the Marine picked up the soldier's other shoe and spit in it. The Soldier returned and they all sat back and enjoyed the rest of the short flight to Houston.
As the plane was landing, the Soldier slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened.
"How long must this go on?" the Soldier asked.
"This fighting between our services? This hatred? This animosity? This spitting in shoes and peeing in cokes?"
An Australian Combat Field Engineer Sergeant and a U.S Marine were on exchange duty and were sharing the latrines.
The Aussie Sergeant finished first and walked out without washing his hands. The U.S Marine watched in disgust, finished his squirt, washed his hands and walked up to the Aussie Sergeant and said. "In the U.S Marine Corps we were taught to wash our hands after a leak". The rather large Aussie Sergeant replied, "In the Australian Army mate, we were taught not to piss on our hands ...!"
Two good ol' boys, Bubba and Junior get promoted from Privates to Sergeants.
Not long after, they're out for a walk and Bubba says, "Hey, Junior - there's the NCO Club. Let's you and me stop in and have us a drank."
"But we's privates," protests Junior.
"NO, we's sergeants now," says Bubba, pulling him inside.
"Now, Junior, I'm gonna sit down and have me a drank."
"But, we's privates," says Junior.
"You blind, boy!" says Bubba, pointing at his stripes. "We's Sergeants now!"
So they order their drinks and pretty soon a hooker comes up to Bubba.
"You're cute," she says, "and I'd like to take you someplace and make you feel good -- but I've got a bad case of gonorrhea."
Bubba pulls his friend to the side and whispers, "Junior, go look in the dictionary and see what that gonorrhea means. If it's good, give me the okay sign."
Junior goes to look it up, comes back, and gives Bubba the big okay sign.
Three weeks later Bubba is laid up in the infirmary with a terrible case of gonorrhea.
"Junior," he says, "What you give me the okay for?!"
"Well Bubba, in the dictionary, it says gonorrhea only affects the privates."
Then he pointed to his stripes and says, "But we's Sergeants now!"
All the good knights were leaving for the Crusades.
One knight told his best friend - "My bride is without doubt one of the most beautiful women in the world. It would be a terrible waste if no man could have her. Therefore, as my best and most trusted friend, I am leaving you the key to her chastity belt to use should I not return from the Crusade."
The company of knights were only a mile or so out of town when they noticed a cloud of dust approaching.
Thinking it might be an important message from the town the column halted.
A horseman approached. It was the knight's best friend.
He yells - "Hey, you gave me the wrong key!!"
Q&A's about Salami Bin Coward & the Talibuttheads:
Why does Salami Bin Coward carry a Turd in his pocket?
→ It's his photo ID.
What do Salami Bin Coward and Hiroshima have in common?
→ Nothing - "yet".
How do you play Talibutthead bingo?
→ B-52... F-16... B-1...
What is the Talibuttheads national bird?
→ Duck.
How is Salami Bin Coward like Fred Flintstone?
→ Both may look out their windows and see Rubble.
What does Salami Bin Coward and General Custer have in common?
→ They both want to know where those Tomahawks are coming from!
What's the difference between the Talibuttheads and a bucket of crap?
→ The bucket.
What's the five day forecast for Afghanistan?
→ Two days.
Why don't Salami Bin Coward's people eat turd sandwiches?
→ They hate bread.
Why don't the Talibuttheads have drivers ed and sex ed classes on the same day?
→ The camels can't handle it.
Sung to the tune of "Day-O" (The Banana Boat Song)
Day-O...oh Day-O,
Air force come and they flatten your home
Run Mr Taliban, we know where you're hiding,
Air force come and they flatten your home
Hey USA, USA, USA...
Air force come and they flatten you home
60ft, 70ft, 80ft craters,
Air force come and they flatten your home
Old Uncle Sam's pissed, he ain't no quitter,
Air force come and they flatten your home
When we finish you all be crying,
Air force come and they flatten your home,
Pilot is brother of New York fireman
Air force come and they flatten your home
Twas the night before Payback...
'Twas the night before Payback and all through the land,
The Taliban are running like rabbits in Afghanistan.
Osama's been praying, he's down on his knees,
He's hoping that Allah will hear all his pleas.
He thought if he killed us that we'd fall and shatter,
But all that he's done is just make us madder.
We haven't yet forgotten our Marines in Beirut,
And we'll kick your ass, with one heavy boot.
And yes we remember the USS Cole,
And the lives of our sailors that you bastards stole.
You think you can rule us and cause us to fear,
You'll soon get the answer if you live to hear.
And we ain't forgotten your buddy Saddam,
And he ain't forgotten the sound of our bombs.
You think that those mountains are somewhere to hide,
They'll go down in history as the place where you died.
Remember Khadhafi and his line of death?
He came very close, to his final breath.
So come out and prove it, that you are a man,
Cause our boys are coming and they have a plan.
They are our Fathers and they are our Sons,
And they sure do carry some mighty big Guns.
They would have stayed home, with Children and Wives,
Till you bastards came here and took all these Lives.
Osama I wrote this especially for you,
For air mail delivery by B-52.
You soon will be hearing a thud and a whistle,
Old Glory is coming, attached to a missile.
I won't be sorry to see your cowardly ass go,
It's Red, White, and Blue that's running this show!
An army Major visits the sick soldiers, goes up to one private and asks:
- What's your problem, Soldier?
- Chronic syphilis, Sir!
- What treatment are you getting?
- Five minutes with the wire brush each day, Sir!
- What's your ambition?
- To get back to the front lines, Sir!
- Good man!
He goes to the next bed.
- What's your problem, Soldier?
- Chronic piles, Sir!
- What treatment are you getting?
- Five minutes with the wire brush each day, Sir!
- What's your ambition?
- To get back to the front lines, Sir!
- Good man!
He goes to the next bed.
- What's your problem, Soldier?
- Chronic gum disease, Sir!
- What treatment are you getting?
- Five minutes with the wire brush each day, Sir!
- What's your ambition?
- To get to the front of the line and get the wire brush before the other two - Sir!
