Military Jokes — most commented jokes

This is an actual radio conversation released by the Chief of NavalOperations, 10-10-95, MSG#H0000115020ecb52EMHS #1: "Please divert your course 15 degrees to the north to avoid a collision."#2: "Recommend that you change YOUR course 15 degrees to the south to avoid a collision."#1: "This is the captain of a U.S. navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course."#2: "No, I say again divert YOUR course."#1: "This is the aircraft carrier Enterprise, we are a large warship of the U.S. navy. Divert your course NOW!"#2: "This is a lighthouse. Your call?"

World War III. The US has succeeded in building a computer able to solve any strategic or tactical problem. Military leaders are assembled in front of the new machine and instructed to feed difficult tactical problem into it. They describe a hypothetical situation to the computer and then ask the pivotal question: attack or retreat?

The computer hums away for an hour and then comes up with the answer: YES.

The generals look at each other, somewhat stupefied.

Finally one of them submits a second request to the computer: YES WHAT?

Instantly the computer responded: YES SIR!

A man joins the crew of a ship. After a few days he gets restless and asks "What does one do about sex around here?"

The others direct him to a large gun barrel with a hole in it. At first he does not like the idea much but, when he tries it, he finds it surprisingly enjoyable. He has another go the next day, and again the day after.

Then he asks, "Can I do this every day?".

"Yes, every day, except Wednesdays".

"Why not on Wednesdays?"

"Wednesdays is YOUR turn inside the barrel!"

One day at the end of class little Johnny's teacher has the class go home and think of a story and then conclude the moral of that story. The following day the teacher asks for the first volunteer to tell their story, little Suzy raises her hand.

"My dad owns a farm and every Sunday we load the chicken eggs on the truck and drive into town to sell them at the market. Well, one Sunday we hit a big bump and all the eggs flew out of the basket and onto the road."

The teacher asks for the moral of the story. Suzy replies, "Don't keep all your eggs in one basket."

Next is little Lucy. "Well my dad owns a farm too and every weekend we take the chicken eggs and put them in the incubator. Last weekend only 8 of the 12 eggs hatched."

The teacher asks for the moral of the story. Lucy replies "Don't count your eggs before they're hatched."

Last is little Johnny. "My uncle Ted fought in the Vietnam war; his plane was shot down over enemy territory. He jumped out before it crashed with only a case of beer, a machine gun and a machete. On the way down he drank the case of beer. Unfortunately, he landed right in the middle of 100 Vietnamese soldiers. He shot 70 with his machine gun, but ran out of bullets, so he pulled out his machete and killed 20 more. The blade on his machete broke, so he killed the last ten with his bare hands."

Teacher looks in shock at Johnny and asks if there is possibly any moral to his story.

Johnny replies, "Don't fuck with uncle Ted when he's been drinking!"

The pentagon recently found it had too many generals and offered an early retirement bonus. They promised any general who retired right away, his full annual benefits PLUS $10,000 for every inch measured in a straight line along the retiring general's body between two points he chose.

The first general accepted. He asked the pension man to measure from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. 6 feet. He walked out with a check for $720,000.

The second general asked them to measure from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. 8 feet. He walked out with a check for $960,000.

Meantime, the first general had tipped off the third. When he was asked where to measure, he told the pension man, "from the tip of my penis to the tip of my testicles." The pension man said that would be fine but he'd better get the Medical Officer to do the measuring.

The Medical Officer attended and asked the general to drop 'em... he did... The Medical Officer placed the tape on the tip of the general's penis and began to work back.

"My God!", he said, "where are your testicles?"

The general replied, "back in Vietnam!"

Three paratroopers, a Jew, an American, and a Pollack are to throw a hand gernade from the plane, then jump.

The Jew goes first - "This is for my country" and he throws the gernade out and jumps. He lands and sees a little boy crying and asks "what's the matter"? The boys says "my dog just blew up!"

The American tosses the gernade, jumps and when he lands he sees a little girl crying. She tells him, "my cat just blew up!"

The Pollack tosses, jumps and lands. He sees this Redneck laughing his head off. "What so funny, asks the Pollock?"

The Redneck replies - "I just farted and my house blew up!"

Note: This is an extract of a National Public Radio (NPR) interview between a female broadcaster, and US Army General Reinwald who was about to sponsor a Boy Scout Troop visiting his military installation.

- INTERVIEWER: So, General Reinwald, what things are you going to teach these young boys when they visit your base?

- GENERAL REINWALD: We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery, and shooting.

- INTERVIEWER: Shooting! that's a bit irresponsible, isn't it?

- GENERAL REINWALD: I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the rifle range.

- INTERVIEWER: Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?

- GENERAL REINWALD: I don't see how, ....we will be teaching them proper rifle discipline before they even touch a firearm.

- INTERVIEWER: But you're equipping them to become violent killers.

- GENERAL REINWALD: Well, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but you're not one, are you?

The radio went silent and the interview ended.

1. If the enemy is in range, so are you.
2. Incoming fire has the right of way.
3. Don't look conspicuous: it draws fire.
4. The easy way is always mined.
5. Try to look unimportant, they may be low on ammo.
6. Professionals are predictable, it's the amateurs that are dangerous.
7. The enemy invariably attacks on one of two occasions: When you're ready for them. When you're not ready for them.
8. Teamwork is essential; it gives the enemy someone else to shoot at.
9. If you can't remember, the claymore is pointed at you.
10. If your attack is going well, you have walked into an ambush.
11. Don't draw fire, it irritates the people around you.
12. The only thing more accurate than incoming enemy fire is incoming friendly fire.
13. When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend.
14. If it's stupid but works, it isn't stupid.
15. When in doubt empty the magazine.
16. Never share a fox hole with anyone braver than you.
17. Anything you do can get you shot. Including doing nothing.
18. Make it too tough for the enemy to get in and you can't get out.
19. Mines are equal opportunity weapons.
20. A Purple Heart just proves that were you smart enough to think of a plan, stupid enough to try it, and lucky enough to survive.
21. Don't ever be the first, don't ever be the last and don't ever volunteer to do anything.
22. The quartermaster has only two sizes: too large and too small.
23. Five second fuses only last three seconds.
24. It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed.

A lieutenant was brilliant in military matters, but lacked a few social graces. One day he called a soldier in to the office and said "Kramer, your grandmother died."

The soldier fell apart. After he left, the colonel told the lieutenant, "You could have been a little more tactful. I have some books at home that could help you."

The lieutenant read the half-dozen books lent him by the colonel and was ready for the next crisis. Private Taylor's grandfather had passsed away.

The next morning, at reveille, the lieutenant said, "Men, how many of you have a grandfather still living? Not so fast, Private Taylor!"

A guy who was in the Air Force had just spent a year tour unaccompanied to Alaska.

The first night he got home, he exclaimed to his wife, "Honey, I want you to know that I haven't wasted all this time alone. Instead, I've mastered the art of mind over matter. Just watch this!"

And with that he dropped his trousers and shorts and stood before her in his altogether.

"Now watch," he said. Next he said, "Dick, ten-HUT!" And with that, his dick sprang to full erection. Then he said, "Dick, at EASE!" And his dick deflated again.

"Wow, that was amazing," said his wife. "Do you mind if I bring our next-door neighbor over to see this? It's really something else!"

The guy responded that he didn't mind at all, since he was proud of what he had accomplished.

So the wife goes next door and comes back with a delicious looking woman who got this guy's full attention! After a brief pause to take her in, he said, "Now watch this." Then he said "Dick, ten-HUT!" and the dick sprang to life.

Then it was "Dick, at EASE!" But nothing happened. So the guy again said, "Dick, at EASE!" But still nothing happened.

So the guy now says, "For the last time, you son-of-a-bitch, I said AT EASE!!" Still nothing.

Well, the guy was embarassed and ran off to the bathroom. His wife made excuses for him and then joined her husband in the bathroom, where she found him masturbating.

"What in the world are you doing!?" she asked.

The guy says... "I'm givin' this son-of-a-bitch a dishonorable discharge!"