Medicine — most commented jokes

- Ted: Last night my computer died.

- Ned: What did it die of?

- Ted: A terminal illness

Several nurses on break in the Boston General cafeteria were discussing boyfriends, past and present. Suddenly, a nurse from New York City said, "Well, I have discovered men are all alike!"

Whereupon, a pert little nurse from Dallas laughed and slapped the table. "Gal," she said, "men are all Ah like, too!"

A beautiful, voluptuous woman went to a gynecologist. The doctor took one look at this woman and all his professionalism went out the window. He immediately told her to undress.

After she had disrobed the doctor began to stroke her thigh.

He asked her, "Do you know what I'm doing?"

"Yes," she replied, "you're checking for any abrasions or dermatological abnormalities."

"That is right," said the doctor.

He then began to fondle her breasts.

"Do you know what I'm doing now?" he asked.

"Yes," the woman said, "you're checking for any lumps or breast cancer."

"Correct," replied the shady doctor.

Finally, he mounts his patient and started having sexual intercourse with her.

He asked, "Do you know what I'm doing now?"

"Yes," she said. "You're getting herpes; which is why I came here in the first place!"

How many psychiatrists does it take to change a lightbulb?
→ Just one ... but the lightbulb has to REALLY want to change!

All about smoking:

Remember, smoking doesn't kill people. People who are trying to quit smoking kill people.

One poll says 73% of Americans favor raising the cigarette tax. It's only fair. Since smokers aren't around as long as the rest of us, they should pay more while they're here.

I quit smoking once for six days. And then they untied me.

Trying to quit smoking can drive you nuts -- especially when you try to light your nicotine gum.

Marlboro has a line of outdoor gear for smokers. They recommend you buy it a size larger so paramedics don't have to cut it off of you.

The Marlboro clothing is very functional. The denim jacket has electric heart paddles sewn right into the lining, and there's a backpack that can hold a portable respirator.

I stopped smoking and extended my life expectancy. My wife is furious.

- Kids: Hello Miss Saunders, can Johnny come out to play?

- Mother: I am sorry kids but you know Johnny has leprosy,

- Kids: Well, then can we come in and watch him rot?

Some Warning Signs of Insanity

• You write to your mother in Germany every week, even though she sends you mail from Iowa asking why you never write.
• You're always having to apologize to your next door neighbor for setting fire to his lawn decorations.
• Nobody listens to you anymore, because they can't understand you through that scuba mask.
• You begin to stop and consider all of the blades of grass you've stepped on as a child, and worry that their ancestors are going to one day seek revenge.
• You have meaningful conversations with your toaster.
• You collect dead windowsill flies.
• Every time the phone rings, you shout, "Hey! An angel just got its wings!"
• You like cats. Especially with mayo.
• You cry at the end of every episode of Gilligan's Island, because they weren't rescued.
• You put tennis balls in the microwave to see if they'll hatch.
• Whenever you listen to the radio, the music sounds backwards.
• You have a predominant fear of fabric softener.
• You wake up each morning and find yourself sitting on your head in the middle of your front lawn.
• Your dentist asks you why each individual tooth has your name etched on it, and you tell him it's for security reasons.
• Melba toast sexually excites you.
• When the waiter asks for your order, you ask to go into another room to tell him, because "the napkins have ears."
• You tend to agree with everything your mother's dead uncle tells you.
• You call up random people and ask if you can borrow their dog, just for a few minutes.
• Your main goal in life is to become the president of Bulemia.
• Nearly everything you say involves the word, "P-toing!"
• You argue with yourself about which is better, to be eaten by a koala or to be loved by an infectious disease.
• You like to sit in cornfields for prolonged periods of time, and pretend that you're a stalk.
• You think that exploding wouldn't be so bad, once you got used to it.
• People offer you help, but you unfortunately interpret this as a violation of your rights as a boysenberry.

Did you hear about the constipated mathematician?
→ He worked it out with a pencil...

Researchers say they've discovered a tree extract that could help to prevent herpes...

Must be a rubber tree...

There once was an old man who was loved by everyone in the town where he lived. When he died, they buried him at a scenic location along a river.

A few days later there was a great rain storm and the river flood coffin was carried along the river in to the town. The casket flowed down the street past the supermarket and the school all the way into the pharmacy. It slid right in to the pharmacy and onto the counter. The lid popped open and the old man sat up and asked the pharmacist, "Do you have anything to stop this coffin?"