Marriage Jokes — most commented jokes

A woman called in a repairman to fix her television. Just as he finished, the woman heard her husband's key in the lock.

- Hurry, - she said to the repairman:

- you'll have to hide. My husband is insanely jealous.

There was no time to run out the back door, so the repairman hid inside the TV console. The husband came in and plopped down in his favorite chair to watch some football. Inside the TV, the repairman was all squished up and getting hotter and hotter. Finally, he couldn't stand it anymore. He climbed out, marched across the room and out the front door.

The husband looked at the TV set, looked at his wife, looked back at the set again and said:

- I didn't see the referee send that guy off the field, did you?

A man came home a day early from a business trip and discovered his wife in the midst of passionate lovemaking with a total stranger in their bedroom. He demandingly asked:

- What on earth are you doing?!?!!

The wife turned to the other man and replied:

- See, I told you he was as dumb as a post.

A woman was chatting with her next-door neighbor...

- I feel real good today. I started out this morning with an act of unselfish generosity. I gave a five dollar bill to a bum.

- You mean you gave a bum five dollars? That's a lot of money to give away like that. What did you husband say about it?

- Oh, he thought it was the thing to do. He said:

- Thanks.

- Jim: Joe, I hear you just got married again.

- Joe: Yes, for the fourth time.

- Jim: What happened to your first three wives?

- Joe: They all died, Jim.

- Jim: How did that happen?

- Joe: My first wife ate poison mushrooms.

- Jim: How terrible! And your second?

- Joe: She ate poison mushrooms.

- Jim: And your third ate poison mushrooms too?

- Joe: Oh, no. She died of a broken neck.

- Jim: I see, an accident.

- Joe: Not exactly. She wouldn't eat her mushrooms.

- Irritated Wife: What do you mean by coming home half drunk?

- Hubby: It's not my fault... I ran out of money!

A man was complaining to a friend:

- I had it all; money, a beautiful house, a big car, the love of a beautiful woman; then, Pow! it was all gone!

- What happened? - asked the friend.

- My wife found out...

A man finds a lamp and decides to rub the dust off. Then, you guessed it, a Genie appears. The Genie tells the man he will grant him three wishes, but everything the man gets, his mother-in-law gets twice.

The man's first wish is for 10 million dollars. The Genie reminds the man that his mother-in-law will get 20 million dollars.

The man says:

- that's ok.

The man's next wish is for a house by the sea.

Once again, the Genie reminds the man that his mother-in-law will get two houses by the sea; once again, the man says:

- that's okay.

The man's last wish is to be beaten half to death!

A survey has found that about 90% of all Hallmark greeting cards are purchased by women. In order to attract more males to buy and exchange greeting cards, the following are some greeting card suggestions created to attract more male buyers:

Cover picture: Dim, misty, moody picture of a vase of roses.
Cover caption: Condolances
Inside caption: ...on the loss of your remote control.

Cover picture: Nostalgic picture of a young couple strolling through a field holding hands.
Cover caption: Darling, as we go into our 10th year together...
Inside caption: I swear I'll leave my wife soon!

Cover picture: Gold-leafed picture of a vase of red roses.
Cover caption: Get well soon, darling!
Inside caption: This house doesn't clean itself!

Cover picture: Two men standing on lush golf course, one of them ready to putt.
Cover caption: To my golf partner...
Inside caption: Just to let you know, I'm sleeping with my secretary.

Cover picture: Dark moody picture of a vase of roses.
Cover caption: In sympathy, I'm sorry to hear the news...
Inside caption: That you've been beaten senseless again in another bar fight.

Cover picture: Norman Rockwell-ish painting of a young girl picking daisies.
Cover caption: To the daughter that I love...
Inside caption: No daughter of mine is leaving this house dressed like a slut!

Cover picture: Misty photo of a couple embracing and kissing.
Cover caption: To my wonderful wife... I know we've had a little disagreement
Inside caption: But please don't cut off my sex organ as I sleep tonight!

Cover picture: Photo of two men shaking hands.
Cover caption: Congratulations and the best of luck!
Inside caption: To the installation of your new hair plugs!

Single women claim that all the good men are married, while all married women complain about their lousy husbands.

This confirms that there is no such thing as a good man.

Seems my latest Freudian slip came just as my wife arrived back from a week-long business trip in Toronto.

As she grabbed her luggage and headed off, she asked:

- Did you miss me?

I replied quite innocently:

- It's been so hard without you.