Marriage Jokes — most commented jokes

After 40 years of marriage, Jimmy decides to leave Katherine.

She starts crying and then asks:

- How can you do this, Jimmy? How can you just walk out? The first year we were together, you caught pneumonia and almost died! Who sat by your bed and nursed you back to health? Me!

- And when you lost half your family in the terrible car crash, who kept you going and kept your spirits up? Me!

- And when our kids grew up and ran away from home, who sat with you and comforted you? Me!

- And when you lost everything last year in the fire at the store, who stayed at your side the whole time? Me!

- How could you leave me, Jimmy? You've been through everything with me.

Jimmy replies:

- That's just the problem, Katherine! You're just fucking bad luck!

One of the reasons that fifty percent of marriages end in divorce is that those men who promised that they'd die for their woman just don't come through.

How are a husband and a cat similar when it comes to housework?
→ They're both afraid of the vacuum cleaner.

What's the easiest way for a wife to cause hearing loss in her husband?
→ Say she wants to talk to him.

James and Beverly Jenkins had been married for twelve years when they mutually agreed to end it and get divorced. After the divorce was granted, that same day, as they stood facing each other for what could be the last time, James asked Beverly if she would mind him asking one last question.

- Not at all, go right ahead - she replied.

- Well, their is one thing that has always bother me. We have five kids with brown hair but youngest one, little Jimmy, has blonde hair. So, please tell me, whose kid is Jimmy?

- I just can't tell you, James. The answer would hurt you too much.

- I'll be fine. Now that we're divorced, finding out whoever Jimmy came from can't hurt me too much.

- Well, if it's that important to you...

- Jimmy is your child.

A wife was having coffee with a girlfriend of hers when she confided to her:

- Our marriage has never been that great, but this year has been the absolute worst between my husband and I. Harry often yells at me, criticizes me, puts me down, plus he never helps out with anything around the house, and I keep getting the feeling that he's screwing his secretary. I can't eat, I can't sleep...in fact, I've already lost eight pounds this month alone!

- Well, why don't you dump the bastard?!? - her friend said.

To which the wife replied:

- Oh, I plan to do that, but first I want to get my weight down to 115 pounds.

My ex-husband (or ex-wife) was very responsible. If anything went wrong, he was usually responsible for it.

- Mrs. Riley, you say you divorced your husband 6 years ago, but you have a newborn infant and children 1, 2, 3, and 4 years old. How come?

- Well, every year, he comes back to apologize.

A man and woman were lying in bed on night and the woman said to the man:

- I sure wish I had bigger tits.

The man responded by saying she should rub toilet paper all over them.

The woman looked at him and asked:

- Toilet paper, what will that do?

The man said:

- I don't know, but look what it's done for your ass!

Bill Clinton and Hillary were travelling in a car.

They stopped at a filling station. They saw Hillary's young lover there. Bill said to Hillary if you were still with him, you were the wife of a filling station owner.

Hillary said:

- NO! Then he would be the president of United States