Random joke from this category
A couple came upon a wishing well. The husband leaned over, made a wish and threw in a penny.
The wife decided to make a wish, too. But she leaned over too much, fell into the well, and drowned. The husband was stunned for a while but then smiled and said:
- Cool!... It really works!
Mr. Johnson, a businessman from Wisconsin, went on a business trip to Louisiana. He immediately sent an e-mail back home to his wife, Jennifer (JenJohnson@AOL.com).
Unfortunately, he forgot his wife's exact email address and the e-mail ended up going to a Mrs. Joan Johnson (JJohnson@AOL.com) of New Jersey, the wife of a preacher who had just passed away.
The preacher's wife took one look at the e-mail and promptly fainted.
When she was finally revived by her daughter, she nervously pointed to the message, which read:
- Arrived safely, but it sure is hot down here.
The young newly married Catholic couple were regular attendants at Mass. As like all newly married couples, they were in a constant state of arousal. Well they didn't want to do anything wrong so they approached their Parish Priest for advice.
- Father, - the young couple asked ... is it ok to have sex before Mass?
The not so young Priest responded after a few moments of reflection ...:
- yes my children it's ok to have sex before Mass .. but please don't block the aisles...
A preacher was giving a sermon to a full church when all of a sudden the devil appeared. He was menacing and threatening and the entire congregation started to flee the church except for one old man.
When the church was empty the devil went up to the man and asked:
- aren't you afraid of me, I'm evil incarnate, the most horrific being in the universe and will most likely torture you!
The man replied:
- You don't scare me, I've been married to your sister for 35 years.
Otis, Henry, and Tom were sitting in a bar discussing their wives. Henry started by saying:
- I think my wife is fooling around on me. I went home the other day and found a hammer and a saw under our bed. I think she is cheatin' on me with a carpenter!
Tom answered:
- Ya, I think my wife is not faithful either. The other day I went home and found a pipe wrench and some pipes under my bed. I think she is cheatin' on me with a plumber!
Otis then joins in and says:
- Well, if you think that's bad, I've got one for ya. I went home yesterday and found a cowboy under my bed. I think my Lina is cheatin' on me with a horse!
A woman goes into her lawyers office requesting a divorce. He is taking all of her background information and asks her:
- Do you have grounds for a divorce?
To which she replies:
- Well, we have three acres.
- No, ma'am. What I mean is, does he beat you up? - asks the attorney.
- No, I get up around 6:30 and he sleeps until 7:00 - she responds.
Feeling a little frustrated the attorney asks:
- Lady, tell me, do you have a grudge?
Looking very confident she states:
- No, we have a carport.
At this point the lawyer has lost his patience and asks:
- Look, Lady. Why the heck do you want a divorce?
- Because he can't hold an intelligent conversation!
A knockout young lady decided she wanted to get rich quick. So, she proceeded to find herself a rich 73 year old man, planning to screw him to death on their wedding night.
The courtship and wedding went off without any problem, in spite of the half-century age difference. On the first night of her honeymoon, she got undressed, and waited for him to come out of the bathroom to come to bed. When he emerged, however, he had nothing on except a rubber to cover a twelve-inch erection, and was carrying a pair of earplugs and a pair of noseplugs.
Fearing her plan had gone desperately amiss, she asked:
- What are those for?
The elderly gentleman replied:
- There are just two things I can't stand... the sound of a woman screaming, and the smell of burning rubber!
A married woman is having an affair. Whenever her lover comes over, she puts her nine-year-old son in the closet. One day, the woman hears a car in the driveway and puts her lover in the closet as well.
Inside the closet, the little boy says:
- It's dark in here, isn't it?
- Yes it is - the man replies.
- You wanna buy a baseball? - the little boy asks.
- No thanks - the man replies.
- I think you do want to buy a baseball - the little extortionist continues.
- Okay. How much? - the man replies, after considering the position he is in.
- Twenty-five dollars - the little boy replies.
- Twenty-five dollars! - the man repeats incredulously, but complies to protect his hidden position.
The following week, the lover is visiting the woman again, when she hears a car in the driveway and again places her lover in the closet with her little boy.
- It's dark in here, isn't it? - the boy starts off.
- Yes it is - replies the man.
- Wanna buy a baseball glove? - the little boy asks.
- Okay. How much this time! - the hiding lover responds, acknowledging his disadvantage.
- Fifty dollars - the boy replies and the transaction is completed.
The next weekend, the little boy's father says:
- Hey, son. Go get your ball and glove and we'll play some catch.
- I can't. I sold them - replies the little boy.
- How much did you get for them? - asks the father, expecting to hear the profit in terms of lizards and candy.
- Seventy-five dollars - the little boy says.
- Seventy-five dollars! That's thievery! I'm taking you to the church right now. You must confess your sin and ask for forgiveness. - the father explains, as he hauls the child away.
At the church, the little boy goes into the confessional, draws the curtain, sits down, and says:
- It's dark in here, isn't it?
The priest says:
- Don't you start that crap in here now!
A husband is at home watching a football game when his wife interrupts:
- Honey, could you fix the light in the hallway? It's been flickering for weeks now.
He looks at her and says angrily:
- Fix the light? Now? Does it look like I have a G.E. logo printed on my forehead? I don't think so.
- Well then, could you fix the fridge door? It won't close right.
To which he replied:
- Fix the fridge door? Does it look like I have Westinghouse written on my forehead? I don't think so.
- Fine - she says:
- Then could you at least fix the steps to the front door? They're about to break.
- I'm not a damn carpenter and I don't want to fix the steps - he says.
- Does it look like I have Ace Hardware written on my forehead? I don't think so. I've had enough of you. I'm going to the bar!!!
So he goes to the bar and drinks for a couple hours.
He starts to feel guilty about how he treated his wife, and decides to go home and help out. As he walks into the house, he notices the steps are already fixed. As he enters the house, he sees the hall light is working. As he goes to get a beer, he notices the fridge door is fixed.
- Honey, how'd this all get fixed?
She said:
- Well, when you left, I sat outside and cried. Just then a nice young man asked me what was wrong, and I told him. He offered to do all the repairs, and all I had to do was either screw him or bake him a cake.
He said:
- So, what kind of cake did you bake him?
She replied:
- Hellooooo... Do you see Betty Crocker written on my forehead?
Have you heard about the latest sensation? It's called "Rodeo Sex"?
Thats when you mount your wife doggy style and in the middle of the sex act you bend over and whisper in her ear:
- Your sister has a tighter pussy than you
and try to hold on for 8 seconds!
