Random joke from this category
Any argument that a man and woman are involved in, the woman gets the last word. Anything a man says afterwards is the beginning of a new argument.
A man marries a woman, expecting she will never change, and she does. A woman marries a man expecting he WILL change, and he doesn't.
This married couple was on holiday in Pakistan. They were touring around the marketplace looking at the goods and such, when they passed this small sandal shop. From inside they heard a gentleman with a Pakistani accent say:
- You, foreigners! Come in. Come into my humble shop.
So the married couple walked in.
The Pakistani man said to them:
- I have some special sandals I think you'd be interested in. They make you wild at sex like a great desert camel.
Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the man had claimed, but her husband felt he really didn't need them, being the sex god he was. The husband asked the man:
- How could sandals make you into a sex freak?
The Pakistani man replied:
- Just try them on.
Well, the husband, after much badgering from his wife, finally conceded to try them on. As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes; something his wife hadn't seen in many years--- raw sexual power. In a blink of an eye, the husband rushed the Pakistani man, threw him on a table and started tearing at the guy's pants. All the time the Pakistani man was screaming:
- YOU HAVE THEM ON THE WRONG FEET!
There was an elderly couple that was on their way for a 2 week vacation on a carribean cruise. The wife, unfortunately, forgot her hearing aides at home...
Upon arriving to the cabin that was to be theirs during the trip, they noticed that it had 2 bunk beds. So, as they were retiring for the first nite, the husband says to his wife:
- Up, or down?
The wife inexplicably removes all her clothing and makes love to her husband all nite long.
The next nite, the husband wonders if he'll get lucky again... So, he says to his wife:
- Up, or down?
She again removes all her clothing and makes love to him all nite long.
This continues for 2 glorious weeks.
When they arrive home from their trip, the wife retrieves her hearing aides. As they retire for the first nite home, the husband decides to try the magic words again...:
- Up, or down?
His wife says:
- What?
To which he replies:
- During the whole trip, my dear, I said those words every nite and you took off all your clothes and made love to me all nite long.
The wife says:
- Ooooh, I thought you said 'Fuck, or drown!'
TO MY DEAR WIFE,
During the past year I have tried to make love to you 365 times. I have succeeded 36 days. The following is a list of why I did not succeed more often:
Of the 36 times I did succeed, the activity was not satisfactory because:
TO MY DEAR HUSBAND:
I think you have things a little confused. Here are the reasons you didn't get more than you did:
Of the times we did get together the reason I laid still was because you missed and were screwing the sheets. I wasn't talking about the crack in the ceiling, what I said was:
- would you prefer me on my back or kneeling?
The time you felt me move was because you farted and I was trying to breathe.
Two friends in a Bar:
- JACK: Joe, at what moment does your wife shout loudest during sex?
- JOE: Er..., when I clean myself off with the curtains.
There was this guy who was sick so he went to the doctor. The doc ran some tests and sent him home with some medicine. The next day the doctor called and the wife answered.
- I'm going to have to run a few more tests - the doctor said:
- I'm going to need a semen, urine and a fecal sample.
After she hung up the husband asked:
- What did the doctor say?
- Oh the doctor is going to need a pair of your underwear.
A wife asks her husband:
- Honey, if I died, would you remarry?
- After a considerable period of grieving, I guess I would. We all need companionship.
- If I died and you remarried - the wife asks - would she live in this house?
- We spent a lot of money getting this house just the way we want it. I'm not going to get rid of my house. I guess she would live in this house.
- If I died and you remarried, and she lived in this house - the wife asks - would she sleep in our bed?
- Well, the bed is brand new, and it cost us $2,000. It's going to last a long time, so I guess she would.
- If I died and you remarried, and she lived in this house and slept in our bed, would she use my golf clubs?
- Oh, no - the husband replies - She's left-handed.
Dave works hard at the plant and spends most evenings bowling or playing basketball at the gym. His wife thinks he is pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club.
The doorman at the club greets them and says:
- Hey, Dave, how ya doin?
His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.
- Oh no, - says Dave.
- He's on my bowling team.
When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he'd like his usual Budweiser. His wife is becoming uncomfortable and says:
- You must come here a lot for that woman to know you drink Budweiser.
- No, honey, she's in the Ladies Bowling League. We share lanes with them.
A stripper comes over to their table and throws her arms around Dave.
- Hi Davey, - she says.
- Want your usual table dance?
Dave's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club. Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her and she starts screaming at him.
The cabby turns his head and says:
- Looks like you picked up a real bitch tonight, Dave.!
What did Bill Gates' wife say to him on his wedding night?
→ "Now I know why you called your company Microsoft"
A man driving on the highway is pulled up by a police officer on a bike.
The officer says:
- Pull over,
and the driver pulls over to the side of the road.
He says:
- I'm sorry, officer, was I speeding?
The police officer says:
- No, mate, but your wife fell out of the car a mile back.
The man replies:
- Oh, that explains it. I thought I was going deaf!
