Random joke from this category
Speaking of divorce (I was), this woman petitions the court for a divorce on the grounds that her husband "beats her." The Judge, wanting every detail asked how often it was he beat the woman.
"Every damn time your Honor," she sighed, "Every damn time!"
I have this friend who has a real dilemma. His wife won't give him a divorce until she figures out a way of doing it without making him a happy man.
The divorce court was attentive as the wealthy Yuppette complained to the Judge that her husband had left her bed and board.
When she had finished, the husband's lawyer rose to his feet and coolly replied, "Your Honor, I have a slight correction in the typing of the charging documents. My client claims that he left her bed 'bored'."
A doctor had the reputation of helping couples increase the joy in their sex life, but always promised not to take a case if he felt he could not help them. The Browns came to see the doctor. He gave them thorough physical exams, psychological exams, and various tests, then concluded, "Yes, I am happy to say that I believe I can help you. On your way home from my office stop at the grocery store and buy some grapes and some doughnuts."
"Go home, take off your clothes, and you, sir, roll the grapes across the floor until you make a bulls eye in your wife's 'love canal'. Then, on hands and knees you must crawl to her like a leopard and retrieve the grape using only your tongue."
"Then next, ma'am, you must take the doughnuts and from across the room, toss them at your husband until you make a ringer around his 'love pole'. Then, like a lioness, you must crawl to him and consume the doughnut."
The couple went home and their sex life became more and more wonderful. They told their friends, Mr. & Mrs. Green that they should see the good doctor. The doctor greeted the Greens and said he would not take the case unless he felt that he could help them. He conducted the physical exams and the same battery of tests.
Then he told the Greens the bad news. "I cannot help you, so I will not take your money. I believe your sex life is as good as it will ever be. I cannot help."
The Greens pleaded with him, and said, "You helped our friends the Browns, now please, please help us."
"Well, all right", the doctor said. "On your way home from the office, stop at the grocery store and buy some apples and a box of Cheerios..."
While making love to his wife, Carl discovered he couldn't enjoy it. Though they had been married only a few years, he reflected unhappily, their love-making had become infrequent and bland. Then quite suddenly, alarmed, he said: "What happened, did I hurt you ?"
"Why no, not at all," said his surprised wife. "Whatever made you ask that ?"
"Well, no reason actually," the bored husband replied with a sigh, "It's just that for a moment there, I thought you actually moved."
A lady with a large flowery hat was stopped at the church door by the usher. "Are you a friend of the bride ?" he asked.
"Certainly not," she snapped, "I'm the groom's mother."
A student engineer in the office got engaged some time ago. At her wedding, I was reminding her of the first day she wore her ring. None of the other women in the office even noticed.
Finally, in sheer and total exasperation, she said "Boy !!! It's so warm in here today, I think I'll take off my ring."
Some time after their bitter divorce, a man happened to pull up alongside his ex-wife at a traffic signal. He shouted over, "So... out looking for a little, huh ?"
She smiled sweetly and said, "No, I had 6 years of that with you. I'm out looking for a lot !!!"
Following a bitter divorce a husband saw his wife at a party and sneered, "You know, I was a fool when I married you."
The wife simply sighed and replied, "Yes, dear, I know, but I was in love and didn't really notice."
Two men are talking. The first sez, "I got married because I was tired of eating out, cleaning the house, doing the laundry and wearing shabby clothes."
"Amazing," said the second, "I just got divorced for the very same reasons."
